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Day 197 – Without Fear

December 14, 2012

Good Day…

I just deleted a whole rambling that I’ve been typing for the last hour… It was just for me to sort out my thoughts. They are still not sorted, but I think they are clear enough to write down now…

I’m feeling all these feelings today without cause, and I’ve been trying to find a cause but nothing quite fits. Superstitious people would say that someone’s putting a spell on me. Maybe so. It’s funny to think that someone could think that I’m so important that they would devote their time and energy into trying to make me do or not do a thing, or take a thing from me…

I don’t know where to start. I’m trying to write from an intentional place now, so it changes the free-flowing aspect of things. I’m still learning how to balance spontaneity with inspiration and focus, so please be patient with me. OK… I’d like to talk about the thing that is occurring within me right now. I know it has to do with power and choice and surrender, so let me just see if I can sort it out and make it make sense.

I woke up feeling inspired and good, like I sometimes do. My hands were tingling and I was smiling without effort. I’m not working today, and I had planned to spend the day applying for some jobs and writing, and so I came to my computer to do that, but I couldn’t focus. I tried to meditate, but I couldn’t focus on that either. My mind was cloudy. Then I wrote the blog entry that I just deleted, and I was thinking about this “end of the world” thing that they say might happen soon, and inevitably the question, “What would you do if it was your last day” came to mind. And I didn’t have a clear answer…

I feel like I’m supposed to want to be with family or friends or someone somewhere, or I’m supposed to feel sad or bad because I’m not with family or friends or someone somewhere, but I don’t want to be anywhere but here, and I don’t feel bad about it. I feel good about it, and that’s super different for me. If today was my last day, I would feel good about my life, and it’s weird because I feel like I’m supposed to feel bad about my life, but I don’t. I mean, I haven’t done everything that I thought I would do, but God, you are whispering that I have done everything that I was supposed to do… and as I am writing these words, my heart feels like it’s expanding. Literally. Like they say on “Survivor”, I think I’ve played a pretty good game, and I deserve to be around a little longer…

I am going to take a moment to close my eyes and step outside of myself. I’d like to defer to you, God, because there is something wonderful in me itching to come out today, but I don’t have the words… and you say it’s not in the words today. It’s in the action. Action is funny. We live in such a selfish culture. Most people don’t act on anything unless they think it’s gonna benefit themselves in some way. I grew up thinking benefitting yourself was an evil motive for action, and so I spent a lot of time doing things because I thought they would benefit others, because I wanted to be good, but that didn’t seem to fill me up, either. It left me feeling depleted. Maybe the secret is balance. Sometimes you do things just because you want to give and sometimes you do things just because you want to receive. That seems healthy to me.

Lord, I am trying to defer to you for this day, but You are telling me that I already know what to do and think and feel and see and be , but I am telling you that I don’t. But I don’t even believe myself. I do know exactly what is happening here. I am going to a different place this morning. The root of my power. My long time companion, fear, is no where to be found. You say You banished him for a time and this is what life feels like without him. There is a sense of freedom and aprreciation. There is a willingness to reach out and touch someone, literally, and simply look deep into another’s eyes and share such a good laugh. Without fear, there is an urgent compulsion to get things done today. A sense of gratitude washes over you. A sense of humility. And it is ok to walk outside. You are not afraid of the people you will meet, with all their myriad agendas. You are not afraid to give what you are inspired to give, because You know that your gifts will come to you from those inspired to give to you. Reciprocity doesn’t always mean that the one you gave to will be the one to give back to you…

Just walk as you are lead, You say. Delight in the Grace of not being burdened with expectations. The hands that would pull you to be this way or the other no longer have a hold on you, and in the moment you are free to create life from a place of pure intention. Without fear. Be confident in your relationship with Me. I have given you a respite from fear, and you see already how the color of the world changes when you realize that there is no damage to be done. Everything will not make sense on this new adventure. You will not respond in the ways that you used to, and that is a good thing. That is evidence of change. You will become instead, you are becoming instead, an instigator of responses. A leader. A way shower… You are becoming Yourself…

Day 197

Without Fear

 

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One Comment
  1. blog permalink

    I couldn’t refrain from commenting. Well written!

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