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Day 202 – Defer To The Spirit

January 3, 2013

Really  different kind of day today… Ran into so many people… An ex who I haven’t talked to in years called me trying to get back together. Bumped into an old almost-friend at the grocery store, and got a call from my God-kids’ father, who I haven’t spoken to in months… Got into a text argument with an ex almost-boyfriend  and met a nice robust man with great skin at my spiritual center…

At my spiritual center, right before we were all asked to hold hands and pray together, and old man who smelled like smoke walked in and sat behind me. He reached his hands around me, enveloping me, and put his hands on top of mine. Then he rested his head on the back of my neck… I looked at his hands. They were dirty and bruised. I wasn’t sure if I should push him off of me or pray for him, so I asked God to take over, and I prayed my heart out while internally saying “shield of light, shield of light” to myself. The man left immediately after the prayer.  It was so strange. Seemed like he had only come in there so he could pray with someone…

Men. They have been the bane of my existence thus far. I start doing well and it’s like they sniff the air and come flocking into my life. I am afraid of them. They hurt people. They lie. They are only about self. I guess I’m supposed to want to be with a man again by now, but I am so scared of them, God. I feel like if I open my life to them, I’m going to start doing bad again, and I’m just now finally starting to do well… I’m so sick of men…

God, You are telling me that I’m going to have to deal with them once and for all, but the thought makes me tired. I want to think about something else. They make me cry. You tell me to stop hating them…

Ugh.

Really?  Men = betrayal, disappointment, and abandonment in my mind.  I’m  going to have to confront my feelings, aren’t I? Geez… Men make me cry. Even thinking about them makes me cry. They make me feel so sad about everything.

I’m looking at myself from the outside and I’m saying, this woman has been through too much. Give her some rest now. Give me some rest, God. I am too sensitive for some of the things that happen in this world. I feel things too deeply. I don’t want to be a coward and run away from relating to others, but I don’t think I can survive another heartbreak. Do you know my heart was broken the last time I was in a relationship? I try to act all tough and strong about things, but my heart was really broken, and a little piece of it breaks every time someone I care about is mean to me or they treat me like sh*t or just disappear on me… It breaks every time.

And I don’t want to toughen up. Nope. It just makes you have a big old wall around you and you can’t feel anything. I don’t want to be like that. So… I’m coming back to the world, God. I’m coming back to relating and interacting with so many people every day, and I’m coming back to opening myself to the men. I need You to be with me, because I’m not quite sure how to do this and be safe and be happy. I’m different now. I like myself now. I can’t put up with all the nonsense that people bring. I’m trying this shield of light thing, but I’m not good at it yet…

People kept telling me that I was radiant today… They don’t know how much work it has taken for me to even start to feel good about myself. They don’t know how afraid I am of being hurt (unless they read this blog, lol).

So. This is the hardest part. I hate being all vulnerable… How do I deal with the evil men?

-First, stop calling them evil. They are human, like you.

But…

-Then, Love Yourself. You have been wanting to say this aloud for a long time. Love Yourself. You know what that means now. Love Yourself. It doesn’t mean don’t love anyone else. If you Love Yourself you are going to love others by default. Allow Me to apologize on their behalf. You will understand the blessings in your misadventures one day, but for now, Forgive them. Look at their lives. Mired in confusion and pain. They know not what they do. Forgive them and give Me your pain. I will carry it now. I will take it from you. Give me your fears. They will not hurt you any more. They can not. You Love Yourself too much to let them. The residue of your past falling away now… Let it fall…

– I know you believe that men are evil and hurtful and selfish and mean and they make you cry, and all of those things are true, but they are also good and helpful and selfless and kind and they can lift you up. They are loyal and there for you and the men in your life from this point forward stay when the going gets tough. Those kinds of men exist just as surely as you do. Will you allow yourself to know the good guys now?

Yes.

-Will you give yourself permission to be lathered with a greater Love than you can even imagine?

I don’t even believe that could happen to me.

-You don’t have to believe. Just allow. Defer to Your spirit and allow Grace to take over. There is nothing to be afraid of. Do you see? You have come to know what you know, and you know… Defer to your spirit and all will be well…

Ameen.

Day 202

Defer To The Spirit

 

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