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Day 200 – Plan

December 27, 2012

Rewriting… I just deleted a 600 word pity party entry that I wrote while crying my eyes out. I haven’t had a good “woe is me” cry in a while, so that was refreshing…

Now let’s get back to business. I must tell you that as I’m writing I’m feeling a little low. What sets off these mood swings? Oh, yes. I recently got rejected for a job I thought I was going to get. I’m so mad. I think borderline bitter… Hmm…

People keep texting and calling asking me to do recreational stuff. I just got another text asking me to do something. I’m about to explode. No one ever believes me when I say I’m not doing well, but I’m not doing too well today, God. You know what’s up. I’m about to explode.

Help me. Please. Help. Me. Please. Please…

I am not doing well… On the inside my conscience is more clear than it’s ever been and I don’t have any personal drama any more and I have really cool family and the friends that I do have are phenomenal, but on the outside I am not doing well. Still not making enough income to get above a negative net any time soon, still no man, still no writing success, still have people looking to me to support and help and lead and I’m not able to do it…

I am feeling frustrated and weak, God, and I need Your help. I don’t know what to do to make things happen. I don’t know which direction to take to make money. These jobs keep rejecting me, and the little gigs that I get on my own always seem to be barely enough. And a good relationship with the kind of man I’d like? I have absolutely no idea how I’m going to pull that one off. My faith is waning

I am tired of asking people to help me pay for stuff. It makes me feel like a loser. I am tired of staying at other people’s places because I can’t pay the rent at my own apartment… I’m not trying to run any more or avoid my issues. I’m trying to face them, God, and get over them, but I don’t know how. I really don’t know what to do to get out of this rut, and I have no one to look to. Everyone has an opinion based on their own values, but their values are not my values…

I know I can’t just sit around and do nothing, but I feel powerless and trapped right now. Please help me. I’m not quitting. I refuse. And I’m not doing this thing where I work a job I hate forever and don’t live my purpose just so I can have a fancy house and act successful and keep myself so busy that I never really have time to think about what I’m here for. Can’t do it. I’m not doing it. That’s not what my life is about. You told me that I had stuff to do here. I thought You told me, God. I thought I had stuff to do here. Why are You making it so hard for me to do it?

You say You are teaching me about strength and power and resistance and faith, and that is fine by me. It is fine by me to learn all these lessons. I will learn them. I have nothing to lose at this point. I will lock myself in a room and write all day or go work at McDonald’s or date or not date or stay here or move wherever or stop eating meat or drink a gallon of water a day or whatever. I’ll go pray wherever to whoever or not pray at all. It’s ok with me. I’m not scared to do what You ask of me, but I need to know what to do. That’s all.

My heart is so open right now. I never thought I’d be at a place in life where I have nothing to lose. Is this the place of choice that I’ve read about? Is this the place where I get to use my will? Let’s do it then. It’s tricky, though, God. How do I operate from a place outside of survival mode when I am in desperate need of survival stuff? You are telling me that I am not in desperate need. I have food and shelter and clothes and water. I can look outside of myself and talk about what everyone else needs to do in order for them to have fulfilled lives. Now time to look at myself. For real.

What do I really need to do? Get a job? No and yes. A job will make people respect me and not look at me like I’m a loser. But what do I really need to do for my life? If I really want to be a professional writer and do all this heal the world stuff and have a fabulous man? I need to get moving on the latter three things and complete my efforts in those areas. I have been somewhat kind of putting effort in different areas, but nothing is complete, and if I was looking at myself from the outside, I would say complete one thing at a time. Finish the list. One thing at a time. The rest will fall into place by virtue of the others. Completion begets completion. But how do you decide which one to complete first?

-Good question. You address the most immediate need first, but don’t let it consume you. Today, Laydie, you are going to get organized. It is necessary. You are ready now. You no longer give in to despair. You no longer look to those outside of you to guide You. You see that you are enough, and you are willing to give it all and give it all up to manifest your destiny. Now We can do some real work. So, step one…

Day 200

Plan

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