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Day 198 – No More Drama

December 15, 2012

Well,

Yesterday kind of went as planned. I sent out an email that I had been planning to send for some time… But the rest of the day didn’t quite pan out like I had seen in my head. I went to the Writer’s Guild library, where writers write, so I could work on my script, but when I got there, they told me that it was closed early due to some special event… Then I was supposed to spend time with a good friend of mine who’s in town and do alive stuff together, but he flaked on me. He kept saying he was going to come by and never did, so I spent about six hours at home just cleaning up and talking on the phone until I got sad and went to sleep…

Then this morning I sent him a sad face text. He called and made excuses as to why he didn’t show up yesterday. No apology for not calling and canceling. Then he asked to hang out today. And I’m getting mad as I’m typing. I told him yes we could hang out, but I’m about to cancel. No apology. Things happen. I understand. But I can’t get past this thing that people do. This disappointing each other, offering no apologies, and then expecting folks to want to be around you… I can’t get over the fact that I actually accept that kind of treatment…. Hold on. I’m about to call him…

So I called and of course he has all kinds of reasons and excuses as to why he couldn’t just pick up a phone and tell me that plans had changed. And of course there are reasons. A phone wasn’t working. A meeting ran late. This, that and the other. But guess what I know? If I had a bunch of money for him and he couldn’t make it, he would have found a way to let me know he was canceling. If this was an important business meeting that he couldn’t make, he would have done everything he could to make sure that he had come or at least let me know that he wasn’t coming. I’m upset because this, too, is the story of my life…

People I care about just think it’s so ok to flake on me. Just not show up or disappear. Just don’t do what they say they are going to do and don’t even say sorry about it. Just look at my phone call, knowing we’ve made plans, and push reject. And I am sitting here like, what is it about me that I attract these kinds of people? I mean, I know it’s not personal. They are flakes in all areas of their lives unless they think that their flakiness will have a severe negative impact on their livelihood. But it is personal, because I’m the dummy that actually comes close to these people and relies on them when I know how they are. When I know that there are other kinds of people in the world that I can be close to. Non flakes…

My friend is never going to say sorry. None of the flakes I know will. They don’t see anything wrong with their behavior and they never will unless they want to. When you meet or know a person that goes years upon years without ever saying sorry to anyone for anything, you better believe that that person is thoroughly invested in a self identity that includes them always being right about everything. Who I am to tell someone that they need to change their whole self identity? Really?

So, that’s my morning so far, God. Let’s turn it around and make it a good day, please. Another friend of mine just made it into town and literally texted me this morning. This friend is actually more reliable and considerate than me.

I think I attach to flakes because I want to teach them a lesson, “show them”, make them stop being like that, but I can let that go right here and now. I let go of the need to teach people lessons. I let go of the need to try and mold people and make them into a thing that I think they are. I let go of the need to be disappointed. I let go of the need for negative and dysfunctional relationships in this instance right here and right now, God. I see that my life is coming full circle and everything is being dug up and addressed and I allow it to be.

I allow a healing and a true transformation to take place. No more drama. Like Mary J Blige said, “No more drama in my life”. I’ll get a job in a community center or school if I want to help people get over their issues, but in my personal life, I’m not trying to be the teacher. I’m not trying to help you learn how to be nice to folks or inspire you to be happy and get your life together. It’s your job to make yourself into a cool, likable, reliable, giving person if you want to have a cool friend like me.

So this is my on purpose intentional lesson to myself on this day. If people treat you bad, you can tell them. Please tell them before you run, because maybe they don’t see it. But if, after you have told them, they make no apologies and show no signs of trying to change, leave them alone. They are going to keep treating you bad. They are not going to change unless and until they decide for themselves that they want to change… And they can meet you on the other side of happy if they choose to..

I’m on a mission here. Happiness and peace of mind. Progress and transformation. Healthy relationships infused with kindness, forgiveness, and mutual goodwill… No more drama in my life, Lord. No more drama…

Day 198

No More Drama

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