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Day 203 – With Power

January 5, 2013

Ok… There’s so much to write about today, that I’m not sure what to focus on. Darkness… I had such scary dreams last night. Attacks on me and my family. I am aware of darkness.

Having been in a bubble for about a year, I had forgotten about the real horrible things that exist in the world. I had forgotten that people who don’t even know you could possibly hate you and plot for your demise just because you say a thing they don’t agree with or just because you are a certain race or gender or age or because you come from a certain neighborhood. And let’s not talk about the people who do know you and might be jealous or bitter or hurt by something you did or didn’t do, sitting around planning to bust the windows out of your car or do something to get back at you… I am keenly aware of the darkness today.

“It’s about time!” my mind says… In my dreams, a strange thing happened. I mean, I had about three dreams in one, but in all of them, when the danger approached, I stood up to it. I didn’t run. I didn’t cry. I tried to fix things and I called the darkness by its name. I was a bonafide strong and powerful woman in my dreams, but I wasn’t a meanie or a destroyer. I saw what I could like being powerful and wow…

I think it’s about time I make a decision about power, or will. I’ve been avoiding this topic for some time, because it’s such a touchy subject. I was taught that power had a negative connotation. Power was for evil people who wanted to control others and selfish people who wanted others to do their bidding. In the past,  if ever someone called me powerful, I felt insulted, and automatically looked at them like they were evil, all caught up on power and stuff. But today I have to look at this word, because it’s an important one…

I went and spoke to this healer lady a long time ago, and she told me that she felt like I had been keeping a big secret all my life. She said that I had been playing small because I didn’t want people to know that I was powerful and I could do stuff. I was afraid that if people knew, they would try to harm me because I didn’t get with their program or they wouldn’t like me because they would think I thought I was too good or whatever. She was right.

I love dreams…

I have been afraid of stepping into my own power. I have been afraid of using my own will. In the culture I grew up in, I was taught that good women don’t really do all that. Good women do what their parents say and then when they get old enough, they get married and do what their husbands say. Having your own will and doing what you think is best for you, especially if it opposes what your parents want, equals being a bad woman. And I always wanted to be good.

And I see today that good is so relative… Hmmm… It has come to this. I don’t care anymore. I don’t care about other people’s concepts of good and evil. I don’t care about what a woman my age from where I’m from is supposed to do or be. I am aware of the society I live in, but I don’t care about being ruled by society’s constraints anymore. I don’t care about the men from my past anymore, constantly coming back around trying to hold me in a thing that doesn’t give life.  I’m not asking for permission to be free anymore. I’m setting myself free!

That’s it. Why have I been asking others for permission to be myself all this time? Why have I been letting these men and all these dark things dictate my experience on Earth? Constantly running from things and getting wrapped up in everything that keeps me stuck? I have been shirking my own power. I have not wanted to admit that I’m the boss of my own life. I have been afraid that if I say “I’m the boss” too loud then someone might hear me. I have been afraid that saying I have power is blasphemy. But You gave us a will, God. You gave us a will so that we  could use it.

No longer will I run from demons. They can run from me now, because I am powerful. I accept it. I proclaim it. I announce it out loud, come what may. I am powerful. I have stuff to do here and I need my will and my power to do it. I am not ashamed anymore. I’ve got a life to live and I need my power, Lord.  You provide the way, Oh Creator Of The Heavens And The Earth and Everything Above, Below and In-Between. I am speaking my will today. I am standing up for myself. I am on my own side. Not in a selfish way. Not with an ego. Not because I want to be “better than”.

I am standing up for myself because it is the only way I can be myself. I am announcing my will because I am responsible for creating my own destiny and without announcing my own will, I will be subject to the will of all who seek to interfere on my path. No. They have no power over me. The past has no power over me. I do not need anyone’s permission to let it go. I let it go in peace now. I step into my own shoes now. I step into my soul’s purpose on Earth, oh Lord, now and forever more. I now embody my Spirit…

Day 203

With Power

 

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