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Day 199 – It Ain’t Over (‘Till It’s Over)

December 20, 2012

I’ve been reading The Science of Mind by Ernest Holmes lately…

It’s afternoon. A lovely day so far. Prayer and meditation. A walk in the sun. Good reading. Talked to some folks on the phone. A peanut butter and jelly sandwich with the peanut butter and bread that I like. Sentence fragments that feel whole…

They say the end of the world is coming tomorrow, whoever “they” are. Sometimes I sit around and look for sadness, my longtime companion. He is nowhere to be found. I look for someone to be mad at, but I’m not angry. I look for a reason to complain, but how can I complain when I just ate such a good sandwich and the sun shining is so beautifully today?

This is one of those days, God. An alive day. I feel lucky to be alive. To still be here. My life is nothing like I imagined it would be, but I feel so grateful to just be here today with a clear mind and a clean heart…

Family is on my mind. Love. Children. Sharing. There’s nothing to cry about anymore, and if the world really did end tomorrow, it would be all right with me. I’ve said all I wanted to say to everyone I wanted to say it to. I’ve danced my heart out, and Lord knows I’ve tried my best at a lot of things…

My friend apologized the other day. He meant it. I think he kind of understood what he did, but it doesn’t matter if he ever changes. He understood that he had disappointed me, and he was sorry for letting me down. And he made it up to me. And that was cool. That he cared enough to consider me. I forgive him. He’s a flake so I won’t count on him for stuff but he has good qualities, too, including a heart of gold, humility and such a kind spirit… I’ll keep the friend door open.

My life is changing before my very eyes. I am changing before my very eyes. I’m not the same anymore… I actually care about myself now, and I actually care about other people. I’m not afraid of what tomorrow will bring. You said you will take care of me, God, and I trust You. I believe You for the first time ever. It is the end of my world as I know it. I know it…

“But what’s so special about today?” my mind asks.

– “You are like the flower in your kitchen,” You say. You are me. The part of me that knows what it knows.

-That flower has been growing every day, since the day you got it and it looked like a muddy little root. So today is just like every other day. You drink water. You feel the sun on your face. You grow. But today, just like the flower in yur kitchen, you see your blossoming. That is why you are so alive. You are aware of what has become of you. You see your heart, and you see that if the world was going to end today, you could actually look Me in the face and say that You tried. And try you did, baby. Try you did.

– I know you are on an intentional adventure, but in the midst of setting all of your intentions, please do not forget to enjoy the ride. You have prayed already. You have prayed and prayed and I have heard you time and time again. And I have tested you with things from your past time and time again and this time you have shown growth and strength. And you have demonstrated humility and faith and Love. You have faced your fears and stared them down and you have seen that they have no power over you. No, you are not delusional. You are learning how to distinguish between inspiration and ego. Trust… The thing about a life is, you never know what’s going to come of it until the end. As you have seen, one day, or one decade,  you may feel like you’re floating on top of the world and the next you are drowning in a sea.

– So hold back your judgements, and your comparisons and your things that you should have done by this and that time and the other. It’s not over yet. You do your best, you hear me? There’s no one to fight any more. You open your big ol’ heart and you Love some more and some more and some more. Your Love is your saving grace. They will talk about you and say you are crazy and all sorts of things, but they are rooting for you, because deep down, they hope that the good in all of Us will one day win. Contrary to everything we say, deep down, we secretly want to believe in something good..

-You go ahead, Laydie. The seeds have already been planted. You have already prayed. You know what’s good for you. There’s no debate about it. You know what feeds your soul, and your faith is finally stronger than your fear. You know what to do in your day and how to spend your time, and you even know who to spend it with. Let’s take action now. With ease and grace. We have done a lot of work. Now let our actions and our words and our thoughts reflect that which we have learned. Live your life. Now. You don’t have to be sad anymore. It’s okay to be happy and good and free and successful. It’s okay to love and be loved and have real friends and be supported and supportive and eat the things you want to eat. You prayed for this, remember? It’s okay to live the life you are destined to live. I am answering your prayers. Let it be. Today, today, today, and every day for ever more…


Day 199

It Ain’t Over (Till It’s Over)


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