Day 201 – A Shield Of Light

Yes…

I’m rewriting this entry, doing this intentional writing thing. Sometimes I start out with a lot of  rambling, and I have to ramble to get through my thoughts until I come to the place where I am clear about what I want to say. There is beauty in saying a thing on purpose, and there is also much to be admired about spontaneity. I seek to blend the two…

Good morning, world. I’m in Love today. With nothing in particular. I am so glad to be here in a new day in a new year. I am so alive right now… When I go back and read my entries, I realize that a lot actually happens in a week. A lot happens in a day. This holiday season has been fantastic. I wasn’t depressed or desperate. I’m really proud of myself. I have to give myself credit if no one else will. I’ve come a long way on this adventure, and I have finally reached the point of no return.

It’s like I’ve been climbing uphill all this time, with all this baggage. All this pain and fear and resentment and sadness, these deep doubts and lack of faith in myself… All of this has been with me for quite some time, but most of it is gone now. And it’s like I’m standing on the peak of a mountain, looking back at everything that has transpired in this year alone. I don’t regret anything, but there is nothing that I want to go back to. In the past, this would make me afraid, you know? Everything that has been your life is no longer your life and you are not sure what your new life will consist of.

Well, today, I’m excited about this prospect of a new life, instead of being afraid. I’m excited about being so unencumbered. I’m excited about my plans, but moreover I am excited about my belief in my ability to move my plans from plans to reality. I am excited about the deep sense of contentment that is not dependent on conditions that has been welling up in me all along.

I am glad to be here, God. I want to remember this day. I haven’t been out of the house yet today, but I’ve already been a lot of places. I want to remember this feeling of freedom that I feel right now. It’s Lovely. I’m happy today for no good reason. This is me. The girl (or should I say woman now) who used to cry every day. This is me. The girl who always thought she wasn’t good enough for anything. Oh, today I feel like I am worthy of this peaceful feeling. I know that I deserve it. Thank You, God…

Freedom. Self-love. Power. A shield of light. That’s it! How you stay open and yet protect yourself from those who would seek to destroy or harm you. A shield of light! Dig deep and find the good in you. It’s there. People will test you. Other folks aren’t going to stop doing whatever they do just because you decided to change. But if you bring out the good in you, and don’t worry about those others, then they will go their own way. Or, you will finally love yourself enough to demand to be respected and loved by those you invite into your inner circle. You will no longer hang out with folks that make your belly hurt, or people who suck the life out of you and offer nothing to nourish. You. Me. Our thoughts about ourselves. Our convictions. We are our own shields and protectors, and soon we will shine so bright that the darkness will not be able to survive in our presence…

May this be the Year of all Years. May it be the day of all days for us to shine. In Truth. For us to Love. For real. For us to present and express to each other that which is seeking and dying to come out of us. May we know once and for all what it means to have a life that we Love…

Ameen.

Day 201

A Shield Of Light