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Day 242 – Keep Walking

August 7, 2013

Hi there.

It’s one of those days. Started yesterday. Anxiety of sorts. Break down. Panic attack. I don’t know how to label it.

I’d like to write my way out of it, though, God, if that’s OK with you. Yesterday I wanted to pay my rent on time. My rent was due yesterday, so I went to deposit my most recent check. They told me the check wouldn’t clear till today. The balance on my account is about five dollars more than my rent. My job is over and I have one more check coming to me. I’m not sure when my next job will start…

So, I should be thankful, I know. I have enough money to pay rent. I have enough food for the month and my body is well. I’m not plumb nuts crazy and I don’t have much drama in my life…

But I did an evaluation yesterday, just about my life in general, and it didn’t seem like I’d come very far. I’m still poor, living paycheck to paycheck. I still don’t have a regular income. I still live in the horrible ghetto and I am probably exposed to detrimental chemicals when I sleep in my room every night. I still don’t have a parking spot in my apartment. I still don’t have a man… My books and songs and scripts and commercials and poems are still right here on my computer, not being seen or read or heard by anyone but a handful of people who really think they’re good, but… My international project is in it’s infant stage and there’s hope for that, but nothing will happen with that unless I do something about it. And I’m still over here suffering and struggling and worrying about how I’m gonna pay rent…

And so I asked myself what the he*l is going on??? (excuse my French). This just doesn’t look right. My life doesn’t look good on me. I could hear my exes laughing. “Yeah, you should have stayed with me, then you wouldn’t have to pay rent. Then you’d have a man and someone to eat dinner with”. I could hear my old friends taunting me. “You should have stayed down south like us. No one told you to go out there by yourself chasing a dream. Who do you think you are?”

And I thought about quitting. God, it’s just not working out here. I thought about packing up my car, my only prized possession. I thought about letting this apartment go. And I thought about driving to a place where people love me. My mommy loves me. My sisters love me. They would welcome my presence and not try to fight me about a parking spot. My niece and nephews love me and the men outside of this city are different. They want families. They aren’t waiting till they’re 50 to get married. They live normal lives…

I think some people were rooting for me, though. I think they were hoping that a girl like me, coming from where I come from, could actually live a dream life and do the things that were in her heart to do… I was rooting for me.

But I don’t know now, God. I don’t know if I’m gonna make it. It’s really hard to live like this, always struggling. It’s really hard to never have enough. It’s hard to be hated by your neighbors just because you don’t look like them. And it’s hard to be a lovey dovey woman like me and never have someone that I can rest my heart with. It’s hard not to be successful. I used to be successful, you know. But that was another life.

I know my inner world is cleaner than it’s ever been. I’m not really depressed anymore. I’m honest about who I am. I Love people on purpose and I’m one of those shiny people who bring light into a room. I know that. I don’t get caught up with all my random exes who would pop up out of the blue telling me how much they loved me and hold on to my emotions forever if I let them. I know. I have grown in that area. I know the value of kindness and keeping one’s word and just forgiving people and being nice to each other. And I think I even know a little bit about happiness. I’m not completely on the other side of happy yet, but I’ve crossed over.

I was in that dark place for a long time. I had been carrying so many wounds. So, if there was like a line, and one side was depression and misery and on the other side was happiness and everything good, I just stepped over the middle. Like barely.

I see the other life. I’m not a part of that ugly stuff anymore, but God, the road ahead still seems so far. It seems like such a long walk, and it seems so hard and sometimes I wonder why I picked this path. I could have just settled. Ha ha! Some dude. Some job. Some easy life. It’s not such a bad thing.

So, you are telling me now that here is a moment of choice. A crossroads. This is what you do when you don’t know what to do, when you don’t know where to go from here. You choose. I can settle. It’s an option. I can pack my bags and go to what I know. The safe place. The guaranteed love and companionship. It’s not bad. I will for sure be successful back home. I will for sure find a man. I will for sure have friends I like. That is an option. I will probably even be able to do my international project and be successful at that.

My life isn’t dependent on where I live. LA helps with the whole screenwriting thing and there are a lot of opportunities for development in the entertainment area, but I don’t have to be here.

So choose, now, You tell me. Shall we keep walking towards the unknown? People will hate me, You tell me. Because if you choose this path, you are choosing an extraordinary life. It may take a while. You might be old and grey before you see it’s fruition. Or it might come this year. There are no promises on this path, except that you will get there. I promise you that. You won’t always understand everything. You won’t always know which direction to go. Lean on Me. Lean on Me. Lean on Me. If you choose this path, there are no guides but Me. I speak to You in your prayers. I speak to you in your deepest insights. You know My voice.

The future is so unclear, God. If I choose my true path, will You make it easy for me, please? Hello? Lol. You are not talking to me…

It’s not a conditional choice. It’s just a choice. Conditions will change. They will be easy and challenging, but of course you can make it through them. You know you can. And you can choose to see them as you like. An adventure or a struggle. An opportunity for growth or a burden. Your perception is your choice as well.

OK. I knew this blog would help. Thank you. I am choosing. In this moment, I am choosing to keep going. I’m not running back to where I came from. I’m getting off the bed. I’m digging deep into the most in-tune part of me. I’m listening to my mind. I’m putting some pep in my step and opening my long arms. I choose to live the life I was destined to live. I choose to put my energy and my efforts towards the manifestation of the dreams I have dreamed. I am walking. I choose to keep walking… Thank you. Ameen.

Day 242

Keep Walking


From → New Beginnings

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