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Day 234 – New Beginnings Indeed

July 2, 2013

Thank you for committing to be happy… Want to hear something funny? My ex is still in town. Dream Lover. The one who pitched me the best dream ever and then disappeared.

I found out today that he actually performed at a festival that a friend of mine had invited me to two weeks ago. I didn’t go to the festival, but I remember thinking that Dream Lover would probably be there…

I was at work today when I found out the news… And I almost quit today. I felt ashamed to be working where I work. His life is so fabulous and it’s been a year since we parted. And I fell apart when we parted. And he didn’t. Well, I don’t know if he fell apart, but career wise he didn’t. But I did. I’ve been struggling for some time and, I can’t really say I haven’t been moving forward, but I took such a huge step backwards that moving forwards still has me further backwards than I’ve been at other times in my life…

So I got mad. And I wanted to quit. Because my job has nothing to do with anything that I actually want to do with my life. It pays the bills. Barely. And it takes a lot of energy because I work non-stop once I clock in and much of it is mental work… So I thought, “What am I doing here? I’m supposed to be spending my time focusing on my writing and my community center overseas and doing yoga and praying.”  I don’t have to be in Cali paying this high rent and walking twenty minutes each way every day to park my car in the neighborhood next to the ghetto since I can’t park in my ratchet neighborhood without getting jacked… I thought of all the ways I could get out of this situation… Move with my mamma and get a part-time job (I will still net the same amount since I wouldn’t be paying rent), move with my sis in Hawaii, go back to my fam’s place down South… I have options.

My landlord gave the parking spot that I was supposed to have to someone else…

I was gonna’ quit today because I was ashamed that I’m not doing better with my life, and I could hear my college roommate saying to me what she said a long time ago when we reconnected years after being separated, “You’re a secretary??? I thought you’d have a best seller by now.”

Things seem like they happened out of order in my life. Like, I was successful early on and then I fell, but it seems like it should have been the opposite, like this time in my life should have come first and then the success… But here we are. It happened this way.

I am in the prayer room. I work at a University, my alma mater. And they have a religious center there. And there is a prayer room in the religious center. It’s a three minute walk from the building I work in. I came here after work instead of talking on the phone or hanging out with whoever. I needed to check in. Pray. Make some sense of things. Decide what to do next and where to do it at. I can’t keep running. And even though I have options, family I can go to, I’m just not that excited about the thought of moving in with any of them…

But I know that this will not work. This pace. This progress. This daily routine of work, hanging out with some dude or the other who I’ll never marry, sleep and hiking… LOL. That’s been my routine for the past month since I’ve been back in Cali. New beginnings indeed.

I had to pray today, and I don’t know how I ever made it through any part of my life without prayer. These days, I need it just as much as water. Nothing makes sense until I check in. Sometimes things still don’t make sense, but at least I am able to get out of my thoughts for a while and see things other ways when I pray…

So I prayed for about two hours. And I forgave myself for not living the life I thought I’d be living by now. I forgave myself for living in the ghetto where the streets smell like pee. I forgave myself for not finishing my script on time so many times. I forgave myself for losing Dream Lover and I forgave myself for loving and trusting him in the first place when he had never shown himself trustworthy. I forgave myself for not applying myself and I forgave myself for all the time wasted. I forgave myself for surrounding myself with people who are not in harmony with me. I forgave myself for crying so much and being down for so long… I was mad at me and I could stay mad forever and say, “No. No forgiveness. You have to do better. You should have done this, that and the other, stupid.” But I don’t think that would help any. I’ve been punishing myself for quite some time already. I needed some forgiveness. I needed some kindness. A real new beginning.

There’s no running from this. Whatever I’m going through, there’s no running from it. I can’t go home to mom anymore. I mean, I could, but that wouldn’t solve anything. You see, the real me is not a coward and she’s not a punk. The real me is faithful beyond faith. The real me gets up. She gets up and she gets up and she gets up. The real me Loves and Loves and Loves and let’s no one take that away! The real me is a Queen. I know, I don’t look like one right now, but that doesn’t take away the truth of the matter.

I had been wondering how to decide. On anything. How to decide where to live, where to work, who to hang out with, etc., etc. And I finally came up with one answer: move towards progress. That’s it. I could live with any of my family anywhere in the world, but I see no progress in any of those options. Of course, we all have to define what progress means to us first. I know what progress means to me. First, it means peace of mind. First and foremost. Spiritual connectivity. Abundance. Uninhibited expression that is received. Sharing of Love. Clean air and community. Trees, space to exercise, healthy food and loving companions that are accessible. Success in the things that really matter to me (my writing, my community work, my love and family life, my finances). Success…

I Love the movie Life of Pi… Everything I’m saying could make absolutely no sense, but it is my way, you see? It is my tool for moving forward. It’s not the Bible or the Q’uran. It is the truth of my experience. I am giving you my heart here and sometimes it is conflicted and unsettled. It’s not always pretty, you know? But it’s what really happens. Transformation is not always full of inspirational words. It gets messy sometimes. It gets really scary at times and we get tired and confused and desperate. It’s a part of it.

I am at 1220 words, but there is still more to write… I imagine… I imagine that at the end of it all I will look back and call this the best time of my life. In fact, I will call it that now. This is the best time of my life. I know it. I am coming into my power. I am learning wisdom and so much kindness. I am learning to accept good things and I am learning discernment. I feel comfortable around kings and queens now and I welcome them as my friends. And for the first time, I am learning that although feelings play there part in letting you know when things are in harmony or disharmony, it’s not always in our best interest to act out on our feelings before we access a situation. I am learning…

I’m not happy. I’m not sad. But I can take action towards progress anyway. What else am I gonna’ do? Run forever? We may fall far, but once we have seen the light, it is impossible to sit still in the darkness. So here’s to progress. Here is to that bright, blazing Light that carries me forward… Thank you so much, God. Ameen.

Day 234

New Beginnings Indeed

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