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Day 239 – For The Lovers Without Lovers

July 21, 2013

Just scrapped the post I wrote. Starting again. Gonna try being intentional…

Good morning world. Closing eyes. Thank you for reading. Feeling lonesome. Reaching out. Maybe we will connect somewhere. Writing (creating anything) is like that. You never know who you are connecting with. A word, a song, a tree, a building all started with someone’s idea, reaching out. Sometimes we create for ourselves, just because we have to get something out, and sometimes we have a receiver in mind. Other times the receiver is not clear, but we hope that just one person will at least look at what we’ve made.

My blog is like that. I check the readership sometimes. Other times it’s just for me and I am satisfied just to get the words out, out of my head.

This one is for the lovers, or should I say the lovers without lovers. You know who you are. You may even be in a relationship, but the love is missing. But love is important to you. It is the most important thing to you. But it seems to be missing from your life.

I spoke with my ex yesterday. The one who instigated this blog. Prior to that I parted ways with my only LA companion (again) and was rejected by someone that I offered a gift to. My mom called and prayed for me for not praying the right way. I looked in the parking lot to see yet another one of my neighbors parked in a parking space that I was passed up for… Needless to say, yesterday was a scrumptiously eventful day.

I got on the bed and went to sleep most of the day, in between crying and sh*t. I hate sad crying these days. But I just let myself cry, ‘cus obviously there was some sadness trying to escape. No need to hold it in or try and trick it with mental games. No need to numb it out. I figured if it was there, I might as well let it come out. I know it wasn’t going to go anywhere until it was released.

My ex made me realize something. He said sorry to me for everything and then he said that he still wanted to be together. Just like that, my little life seemed so insignificant. My job seemed little, my apartment seemed little, even this blog seemed little when standing next to the possibility of living a life of love with a partner. I felt more alone than I have felt in a long, long, long time. This big city can be a lonely city…

We try and escape it. People here are always so busy doing things. We don’t spend much actual quality time together. Well, by quality I mean that we don’t spend much time feeling things together. We go to plays and concerts and parks and events. We take classes and always have work to do. We attend dinner parties, but we don’t look at each other that much. We don’t hold each other. We don’t take care of each other when we’re sick. We don’t listen without an objective. We don’t share from the heart. And we keep ourselves so busy and so intoxicated that we really don’t have time to think about it. We don’t have time to feel the loneliness.

But I felt it yesterday. My ex came through, like only he can, and touched the center of my lonely heart, the lover’s place. I am such a lover. I remembered that. I am such a lover. It’s ridiculous. I’m like one of those little kids that was always drawing my mom pictures and giving my teachers flowers, always touching people and stuff. I vaguely remember being lost in love with my ex. I vaguely remember looking into his eyes and him looking in mine, us loving each other at the same time. I vaguely remember feeling like I belonged somewhere.

I know this sounds all sad, but don’t worry, it gets better.

I laid in my bed yesterday with all these memories of lost love, all these feelings coming alive again, the fear of being in LA without a friend to lean on, the remembrance of the deep connections I’ve had, and the seeming littleness of my current life. What was there to do? Cry? Yell? Pray? Get up and make something happen? Run back to my ex or run somewhere where there was someone to love who would actually love me back? All of those options came to mind, but I’ve done all that before.

The one thing that I haven’t done in a long, long time is just stay. Just stay. My ex… We hurt each other a lot. Not on purpose, I don’t think, but nonetheless a lot of damage was done. That was me loving like that, huh? I was pretty brave… A lot of damage was done, but I’m not broken anymore. That’s what all of this boils down to. I’m not broken anymore. No need to run to a hero to fix me. No need to cry on my mamma’s lap. No need to ask why or make a lesson out of everything. Sometimes it may take a while to understand why.

But what are we doing about our hearts today? What are we doing about our lives today? I am a lover without a lover, but that doesn’t take away my ability to give and receive love. I am glad that I was reminded about this heart thing in me.

Maybe I will get back with my ex. Maybe not. Maybe I will be friends with my substance abusing friend again. Maybe not. Maybe I will live in this apartment in this place for a while. Maybe not. I defer to Love and Clarity, God. I allow them to be my guideposts and I will court Love and Clarity until they lead me to action. I remember that I am a lover, not some hardened woman made of stone. I am a Lover. I allow myself to be that. I allow myself to experience the True exchange of Love again or, rather, for the first time. I open wide. It doesn’t hurt anymore.

When I was a teacher, I realized something. The kids at our school were “tracked”, grouped according to their behavior and test scores, and I taught the “bad” track. In some teachers’ classes, they would be totally horrible, and in others, they would be respectful and quiet. It wasn’t that the kids changed every hour, it was that different teachers set different precedents. I can’t blame all of my exes for the way they treated me. I can’t just sit around and be a victim and say, whoa is me, this person did this and that person did that. Well I could, but the truth of the matter is, if you’re a teacher, and every class of students you get treats you like sh*t, even the so-called good kids, it probably has something to do with you and the standard you’re setting.

You might want to re-evaluate your methods, and even deeper, you might want to re-evaluate what you believe about yourself and what you expect from others. You start with a healthy recognition of who you are and what’s important to you. People will be who they are. Whenever you meet someone new, you don’t know what they’ve been through. They are who they are. But if you say, in order for me to trust you, you actually have to keep your word to me, then you set a precedent and you don’t have to worry about protecting yourself from people. Because the people you need to protect yourself from won’t even be in your personal circle if they don’t meet a certain standard…

In the meantime, while we are prepping for our lovers, us lovers, let’s find something to love. Let’s practice loving people that don’t hurt us, even if we have to start off with loving little babies.

It’s a new thing for me. I haven’t felt safe loving guys since my brother did an okey doke on my heart years ago when we were kids. I’ve been practicing that whole abandonment/betrayal thing with men ever since, but it’s time to give it a rest. It’s just time to give all this ugly stuff a rest. It just doesn’t make sense anymore.

Wake up, lover in me. The old ways are falling away. I found you there, sleeping, crouched up in a ball, afraid. I didn’t take very good care of you. I know. I’m sorry, yeah? Forgive  me, ok? But wake up, now. I need you to build this new life I’m building. Love is a necessary part. I will keep you safe, now, I promise. Look around. There are no mean people anymore to hurt you. Look, I am doing things I love again. I am taking care of myself again. I honor you. I will find playmates for you. I am wiser now. I am sweeter now. Wake up, my Love. There is work to do. You see all these sad people with broken hearts? Don’t worry, I won’t let them hurt you, but we can smile at them, help them to remember, and we can find people who will smile at us… Wake up now. Our world is safe again. Wake up. Let’s make this life something good…

Day 239

For The Lovers Without Lovers

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