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Day 237 – The Prison Isn’t Real (Get Free)

July 13, 2013

Good morning.

It’s about 9 am on Saturday. I got my mojo back. Yep. I think she’s here to stay.

I undumped my friend (the one that’s made of pure love). Compromise and acceptance are new words for me, but I’m finding that they do my heart good.

So, let me tell you. I got fired! Yaaaay! Well, not really fired. My job is a temporary job that had the option to be permanent. My boss told me that if I wanted to stick on permanently than I had to go through the process and fill out the official application. I didn’t fill out the application. So she hired someone who did. She’s keeping me on longer than my original temp contract, but ultimately I’ll be leaving…

You cannot imagine how happy I was when she told me she had hired a permanent person. I know, I need income, etc. Don’t worry. I have a back-up income source (job) lined up, so, as Charlotte O’Hara said, “As God is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again”.

The moment I heard I was let go, though, a space opened up in my brain. Clarity. Freedom. I was so glad. I saw myself clearly again. It’s been a couple of months since that has happened, but when my boss said the job was ending, I was grateful. I felt free. I feel free now. To move around. Not like skipping states, but like living up to myself finally.

You can’t imagine. I have a Master’s degree and I have been severely underemployed and unemployed for over a year. Doing secretary jobs. Eating Roman noodles and stuff. What have I been thinking??? Underutilizing my skills and gifts. I’m not gonna be too hard on myself. I actually got some things accomplished with the whole international heal the world thing recently, but it’s been a while… It’s been a while. And so when I got fired, I realized that I am qualified and able to have such a better job! One that actually pays good money so that I can move forward with things. One that I actually like going to every day. One where I feel like I’m making a meaningful contribution to things that matter to me. One where I am growing and sharpening my skills and learning new things. Not just some place where I can “get by” and barely survive.

And that realization made me do a quick look at my life. Like for real. And I realized I can have a better life all around. I can surround myself with different kinds of people and have different types of relationships. Of course, that would involve me making some changes, being nice and stuff and not cursing people out, not just dumping people when I’m upset and opening myself to appreciate the good in things. That would involve me respecting myself and protecting myself when need be and demanding to be treated a certain way by the people I bring near to me. It would involve some more growing. But I can do that. I am able to do all of that. And I’m so excited about what’s going to come.

There has never been a time in my life when I’ve been clear about what I wanted to do and it didn’t come to fruition. I’m super clear now about what I want to do from this point forward and so I’m sure, God willing, that good things will happen. I used to say these affirmations all the time. “I am worthy of the very best in life and I now willingly accept it.” They used to just be words that I wanted to believe, but I believe them now! I know them.

I am worthy of being loved because I am so loving. I am worthy of being a boss and a leader because I care about the people I’m leading. I am worthy of my works being accepted, because I have so much good stuff to give. I am worthy of happiness just because I exist. I am worthy! And I’m smart. And I’m able. And I’m kind. And I’m strong. And I’m open. And I’m even humble sometimes. And I have to tell myself the good things about myself, because I’ve spent so long thinking I wasn’t sh*t that this is like an epiphany, realizing that I’m worth something… I have to remind myself that, I, too, am worthy of the good things.

Last night I went to a movie and had dinner… Wow. Mr. Almost Famous just texted me. This dude… How about I don’t try and figure him out for once. Our relationship is so weird. We don’t really talk that much. We have barely ever hung out. He doesn’t want to be my man, but when I call, he responds, even if it’s two minutes before the opening night of a big show and he’s surrounded by people… He is just as weird and incomprehensible as me. He probably is me. We actually look alike, same smile and everything… I am glad to have his lovely spirit looking out for me, telling me that he sees great things for me. He is such a good friend and I am grateful.

You are opening my eyes, God, letting me see what is right in front of me. I have been locked up, in the prison of my own mind, for so long. I couldn’t see that light is right here with me right now. And I couldn’t see that I am surrounded by love and lovers. And I couldn’t see that I am talented and that I have the ability to make a lot of money right now. And so I have been operating from this small, pitiful place, begging life to give me something. When life has been giving me things all along. I already have them. I’ve just got to use what I have and appreciate it.

I hear freedom singing to me through the birds in trees. I feel strength in my bones. It’s time to be free. It’s time to acknowledge the joy and the strength and the power and the goodness and all the magnificent wonders of the world that are right here, right now, waiting to be noticed, expressed and actualized. Everything I have been through, everything I have put myself through, has led to this moment of such deep appreciation… Oh. My. God. You. Are. So. Good.

Day 237

The Prison Isn’t Real (Get Free)

From → New Beginnings

One Comment
  1. “None but ourselves can free our minds.”

    -Bob Marley

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