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Day 240 – Alliances With The Past

July 27, 2013

Good morning World!

What a beautiful morning. Peace flowing through my veins. Alhamdullilah (All Praises Be To God)…

I just wrote a 1200 word blog about my exes. I’m not going to post it. I think they read this and I said some mean things…

I had the opportunity to interface with some high-spirited people this week. Women with clean hearts. They live in the world that I am stepping into. The world where people live from Guidance, Integrity, and Authenticity. It was a different kind of vibe than I’ve been around in a while. I want more…

My past no longer interests me. It almost seems like another life. Like if I was writing a book, this would be a whole new chapter with a completely different topic. I come from a pretty dark place. So much woundedness. I counted them the other day. Anyone I’ve ever had any kind of relationship with, be it friendships, romance, or just one lunch engagement. There are so many people that I have interfaced with, but it seems like I was someone else, from another time…

Dating is on my mind. Courting. It has been a long time since I have been involved with an eligible bachelor. These people from my past still linger. I feel a sense of loyalty to them and even a small sense of guilt because I have moved on and I am no longer interested in what was.

Upon evaluation, I have had many dear, dear relationships. Deep connections. I have danced with souls and had moments of ecstasy and I am grateful for them all. But at the end of the day, I don’t want any of what I had. There was always some underlying betrayal. For the most part, there was always the knowing that there would come a time when a choice would have to be made and I wouldn’t be it. The times when I truly felt like I had someone on my team have been few and far in-betwen. There was always some judgement. Some “I’ll be there for you if…”

I don’t blame them. The only common denominator in all of my relations was me. Most of the time, we don’t hurt each other on purpose. We are just floating around with all these programs in our minds trying to make it through the day.

I come here to you today, Allah, bowing down. I am giving up my past but I feel guilty about it. I feel like a traitor. I am leaving my people behind. The poor people. The sad people. The people who don’t know why they take any given action. The disempowered. The disingenuous. The ones who would break their word on a whim. The ones who would bring you down and manipulate on purpose, seeking control. The ones who are not grown up enough to stop perpetuating pain and hurt. I am leaving them behind. But they were my people… I come from them. I was one of them and I feel a little guilty about wanting to move to the West side where the streets are clean and people have careers and they do yoga and stuff… I feel a little guilty about wanting to meet a guy who’s actually available because I’ve been in an alliance of the noncommittal unavailable people for quite some time. I’ve been in an alliance of the poor and an alliance of the victims. I’ve been in an alliance of the bitter single women and the lonely people. Oh yeah, I’ve also been in an alliance of the close-minded, the martyrs, the self-righteous and the un-loved.

We have signed unspoken agreements with each other that we will live our lives in certain ways and continue nourishing our common life circumstances until the end of eternity. So now that I am wanting to be everything that I have not yet been, I feel like I am breaking my word to so many people, and how dare I? I am leaving them behind. How dare I hang out with happy people and successful people and spiritually mature people? How dare I even dream of being with a man with a sound mind? Who do I think I am to envision being courted and noticed and approached by one who has prepared a space for me? I am writing this jokingly, but these are the thoughts that pass through my head as I am entering this new place.

My old friends won’t like me anymore. They will think I have become bougie and joined the “normies”. This guy at my spiritual center actually saw me dressed in business clothes the other day and gave me a lecture about not conforming to the system and becoming one of “them”.

I have always had a loyalty to the downtrodden. I prefer Venice Beach to Santa Monica. I befriend the people who look like they’re down and out, rather than the elitists. It’s because at one point in time, I couldn’t get into the “in” crowd. They looked down on me. They didn’t recognize that I was worth sh*t. Now I get invitations to hang with the fancies, but I’ve never wanted to be one of the “in” crowd, because I never wanted to look down at the people who are who I was…

But how do I reconcile this? The downtrodden no longer interest me. They abide in an agreement of brokenness and I no longer agree. And yes, I can help them, but I don’t want my personal relationships to be based on an agreement that I’m going to be someone’s life coach. I want friends. Equals. People who are on a similar path as me. People who I can pray with and who can and will lift me up just as much as I can and will lift them.

A friend of mine said, Know first who you are, then adorn yourself accordingly. God, the old life doesn’t fit. You say that I know what to do, don’t even ask. Do not feel guilty about success. Do not feel guilty about happiness. Yes, you have had alliances with all that would keep you stuck, but it is time to let those alliances go. They may not understand, but when they see you flying it will all make sense. You will give them hope, you see. Because you come from them. And you will find new birds to soar with. They seek you out, even now. They seek you out and they welcome you home, at last…

Day 240

Alliances With The Past

From → New Beginnings

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