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Day 235 – The Struggle is Over (Let It Go)

July 5, 2013

We get used to things. Pain, struggling, happiness, money or a lack thereof, moving around, people, praying exercise. Good, bad, or indifferent, we get used to things and then they become our lives. Like Gotye sings in one of his songs “You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness”…

I had gotten used to struggling and pain and dysfunctional relationships. For the past few years, I had gotten used to being poor and not having enough and moving from place to place all the time. I had gotten used to not finishing things. I had gotten used to dating people who I knew were unavailable for the type of relationship I wanted for one reason or the other. I had gotten used to never quite having the completion of the things I had desired…

And then a little over a month ago things changed. I finished something really important to me for the first time in a long time. I managed to break up and let go of all of my dysfunctional relationships that have been haunting me throughout the years. I went overseas and our project was successful. And I got a job. Just so you know, it has been years since I’ve actually had a 9 to 5 that didn’t have a definite end date. I moved back into my apartment and painted the cabinets… And my mind was going crazy… Resistance for real.

I’m sitting in my apartment. The birds are chirping outside of the floor-to-ceiling window in my living room. A soft breeze is blowing. I am realizing that the struggle is over. I’m not used to it. Peace. Enoughness. A clear mind. It’s here and now. The struggle is over. It actually the beginning of a new day. I am overwhelmed with gratitude and I know that this is a very delicate time in my life.

For the first time in a long time, the things that I dream of doing seem like they are not just dreams out in the somewhere. They seem like things I can do. And I am actually writing this. Like, can you believe that having a job where I now work just seemed like a dream once? Living in LA and having enough money seemed like a dream once. But it’s real. It’s real now. The struggle is over. My dramas are over. I don’t have any stupid friends who try to use me or play those manipulative games any more. Even here in Los Angeles, I am finding nice people. Perhaps it is because I am finally becoming a nice person who sees that there is a world outside of my head and myself. I am finally seeing the value in cultivating healthy relationships. I am finally actually interested in the lives of others…

This is an uplifting post, but it may not always be this way. There may be moments of withdrawal and regression on our paths. There may be times of confusion and even sadness, but the struggling, the pain, it ends. It really does. But you have to let it. You have to open up and let it and step into the fear. This is new territory, at least for me. Good stuff is new to me. I’ve had good stuff on the outside, like money and a fancy job, but actually having healthy relationships while having money and doing work that is meaningful and doing things that I’ve only ever dreamed of doing? Being able to give and receive love at the same time instead of things being one-sided? Being supported and being a supporter at the same time? Reciprocity? That’s all new stuff to me. It’s the stuff of my dreams. Heck, I didn’t even think I was worthy of that stuff at one point. But it’s real now. It’s becoming real now.

I no longer identify as Laydie the loser. I no longer identify as Laydie the sad girl or the ugly girl or the lonely girl or the poor girl or the girl who’s always giving and never getting anything. I am a different person now and I don’t want to speak on my new identity yet because it is forming even as I write these words, and when I get to the place where I am able to speak about who I am now, I want to know that my words are true. For now, I only know that the struggle and pain are done with. I see how I interact with people these days and I actually care about myself and I’m meeting different kinds of folks…

Today I’d let to get used to a new kind of life. Fall away now, patterns that have bound me. I let you go once and for all. Fall away now, doubts that would haunt me. Fall away ties that tethered my progress. I see you wondering what I’m doing. Thank you for leading me to this place. Thank you for making the pain so unbearable that I had to dig down deep and live life on purpose. Thank you, God, for this moment, this realization that life is so, so, so, so grand… Ameen.

Day 235

The Struggle Is Over (Let It Go)

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From → New Beginnings

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