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Day 343 – If You Want To Know The Answers (Ask The Questions)

July 14, 2014

Hi there.

How are you? I’m ok. Sitting at home slightly terrified of change. There’s a workshop that I really wanted to go to but I can’t because I’m so full and I need to release stuff so I can be open…

I’ve been breaking up with folks. I know, you’re like, “How is this girl always breaking up with someone, yet she never claims to have a man?” I haven’t been in a committed relationship in about two years, but I have so many energetic ties with so many people, and I’m not just talking about romantic ties. Resentments, debts, un-fonrgiveness, words that need to be spoken, acts that need to be done.

I’ve been focusing on men who have crossed my path because I want to prepare for a husband, but it’s been harder to let go of the past than I anticipated. And I’m scared to keep going now. My body reacts to everything, and I can’t be walking around with my legs shaking and having anxiety attacks and crying and stuff. Yesterday I let go of three people. I didn’t plan it that way. It kind of just happened. I’m serious this stuff really happens to me. Two people from my past just happened to contact me wanting to spend some time. When I spent time with them, each of them separately told me how much they want to be with me and only me. One of the guys says that I’m his Godsend. He really believes that I’m the woman he’s been waiting for all these years… The other guy isn’t really into spirituality. He’s just not into change. I dated him six years ago and he cheated on me. He’s been trying to get back together ever since and refuses to open himself to anyone new… The third guy that I cut ties with is Mr. Producer. I didn’t really tell him I was cutting ties, because he doesn’t answer my phone calls. But I was praying and he came to my mind really strong. I had the sudden urge to hold him, and so I sent him a text asking him how he’s doing. He didn’t respond, as has been his pattern for the past year or so. And so I sent him another text telling him that I was just praying and he came to mind and I had the urge to hold him and I hope he’s ok.

And then I cried like a baby. Don’t ask me why I cried because I don’t even know. I think it was because I remembered the brief, yet soulfully enlivening interaction that we had. I only hung out with him twice, and saw him a few events some other times… talked to him on the phone a few times. But each time, it was magic. He was so easy and fun to be around. And we talked about deep stuff. And he was so brilliant and funny. I felt like running around and doing jumping jacks every time I left his presence, and I’m not delusional when it comes to men (maybe about other things). I could tell that he felt enlivened as well… I thought at the very leas that we would become very good friends. He felt like a brother to me… So familiar. But the last time we hung, I think I went too deep. He allowed me to do an experiment on him, and I was able to connect with him on a very deep level. When the experiment was over, he was horrified. And he withdrew… And last night I realized that he and I will never be good friends. It seems so unnatural. Because we ARE good friends. How could we not be good friends?

There is so much I don’t understand. How can all these dudes from my past be so in love with me and think that God sent them to me, etc, etc and yet I don’t feel that way about them. And how could I have all these deep connections with all these other guys and have visions of certain ones being my husband or my good friend or whatever and then they don’t want those things with me? And how come, God, whether we want the same things with each other or not, all parties feel these deep connections?

What is really going on? I don’t have any answers. I only know that I have to let go of these attachments. Our wills are not in alignment and we pull at each other. It’s no good for anyone when someone wants something from you that you are not willing to give. I gave up the idea of Mr. Producer being my friend or my husband or my anything and it was hard. I told two very sweet men that there was nothing they could do. No matter what, we are never ever ever getting together. Or getting back together. And I know how they feel. They don’t understand how they could want me and I not want them. Just like I don’t understand why I’m not going to marry Mr. Producer or Mr. Almost Famous or Dream Lover. Just like I don’t know why Mr. President ran away from me instead of running towards me…

You will not believe what just happened. Literally. As I’m typing this blog, Mr. Producer just responded to my text. God, just when I think I have a bit of a grasp on what’s going on, You flip the script. Wow. He thanked me for checking on him and says he hopes I’m well…

You, Dear Lord, are full of surprises. I’m not going to make Mr. Producer’s text any more than it is. There is so much going on in the world. Who knows why anyone does anything they do.

Restructuring your life from scratch is no easy task. There is no guide book with your name on it that says, “Laydie. This is what you should specifically do at every given moment after every given situation.” Like Nina Simone said, other people will try and tell you how to do each and every little thing, but in truth, you are the one who has the final say on what to do and not to do in your own life. You are the only one who will answer for your life.

So as we are building a life on the other side of happy, after being in the darkness for so long and having no clue about how to maintain anything good, it is important to figure out how you will know what to do. Because things get tricky. Fear gets in the way. You know that you need to let go of certain attachments, but you will become horrified of being alone. And your logical mind will say, “You know, it’s just easier to stick with what you know. This isn’t so bad.” But your spirit will know that what you are trying to let go of is bad for you. But when you let go, it may hurt and then you will want to run somewhere safe because you don’t want to hurt. And then you will need a guide. You will need something steady to tell you if you are supposed to hold on or let go. If you are supposed to sit still or move. If you are supposed to go out to an event or sit at home and pray.

I don’t have the answer for you. For me, I am building one brick at a time. I cannot believe that we were just put in this world to wander without Guidance and so I choose to believe that for every question, there is an answer. I start at the very beginning of this new life that I am building. As I am crying through this sweet, sweet, painful, draining, detoxifying release, I practice trust. I practice knowing what I know. If nothing else, I know that a clean-up of my heart and soul is necessary. And so I clean-up in spite of my fear.

Thank you for that text message God. I will keep coming to You and asking questions about how I should live. Thank you…

Day 343

If You Want To Know The Answers (Ask The Questions)

From → The Alive Part

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