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Day 342 – Loving Confrontations

July 11, 2014

Hi there.

I went to sleep at seven last night and didn’t wake up till seven this morning.
I’m rested. Kind of want to call in for work, but it’s my favorite supervisor’s last day today, so I’ll go so I can say goodbye to him. He looks like a big gummy bear and I’m gonna miss his smile and all the funny expressions he has on his face. He always lets me come in late, let’s me make up time out by working during lunch instead of putting it on my schedule, sticks up for me if someone tries to do something unfair, and generally just leaves me alone and is nice to me… I want to give him a big ol’ hug.

The new supervisor is nice, but he’s not that bright…

Good morning world. I spoke with my brother the other night. We stayed up ’till two in the morning talking. After it was all said and done, I gave a firm move-out date, told him he needs to contribute a certain amount of rent until then, and told him everything that he had done that was bothersome to me and the rest of my siblings over all these years. I was so afraid to talk to him because I thought we might get into a big ol’ fight, and at one point we were starting to fight. We were talking about religion and it started to get heated. Our fight was interrupted by a family conference call that had been previously scheduled. I went to the room for the call so that our phones didn’t interrupt each other.

After the conference call, I was still enraged. I didn’t realize I had had so much anger in me. I stayed in my room with my hands and lips trembling and I decided to pray. I couldn’t focus on the prayer, though. I was trying to say prayer words, but thoughts of my brother kept bombarding my brain. And so I decided that I was going to stay there and pray until I could hear the prayer. It took me about an hour and a half. I stayed on the prayer mat until the prayer words drowned out thoughts of my brother, and then I started to pray. I thought about what I really wanted to accomplish, and my thoughts went back to this Native American woman who had led a sweat lodge I had attended once. She was talking about women and she said that women are the ones who anchor peace in the house. She said that in their culture, if someone comes to your house, you are not allowed to turn them away. But people may come into your house with all kinds of problems and all kinds of demons. It us up to the woman to anchor peace in the house, but you can not have peace in your house if you don’t have peace in yourself.

I prayed for peace in myself, but I was so angry. So I asked God if he would come through and manifest as peace. If He would talk through me and be my ears and my hands and feet. If He would speak through my mouth. I stayed on the prayer mat until I felt like it was possible for me to be peaceful. And then I could speak my intention. I wanted to anchor peace and love in my household. I wanted to anchor peace and love in my life. I wanted to stand up in a queenly way and be a Queen this time. No matter what happens, I said to myself, I will be Peaceful and Loving. No matter what my brother comes with, I will not throw arrows. I will throw Love, and even if it lands at his feet, I will put it out there so that it’s there for him to pick up if ever he wants to. I will wish the best for my brother just like I wish the best for myself. For in truth, he is myself. I will see my brother as myself. Connected. A human being. An extension of my humanity. And I will anchor peace and love for him, too. For in truth, we all want Peace and Love, no matter how disconnected we have become.

And so I prayed for my brother, too. I prayed that the highest possible good that we can give to each other be given that night. I prayed for peace and love for my brother. “You want to talk some more?” he said when I stepped out of the room. “Yes,” I said. “We didn’t finish.” And so we talked until we were finished. This time it wasn’t an argument. It was two people trying to understand each other. It was a brother and sister who had been warring for years making a peace treaty. There was Love in the air. This time I understood him, I think it’s possible that he just might have understood me. At the end of our talk I was going to the kitchen and he said, “Hey thanks. Thanks for talking to me.”

My head doesn’t hurt anymore. I was nearing my hair loss threshold, and so I’m glad I didn’t cross over. I set a tone for peace and love in the household. I explained to my brother that a certain type of behavior would no longer be accepted in my presence. We talked. My brother barely even remembered how he had ignored me years ago as a teenager and traumatized me for life. He was barely even aware of the ways he had hurt so many people…

Here I am. I had invited a man into my house, my brother, who represents all the things I had hated about men. And I had managed to confront one of my biggest demons. I have managed to release all of my anger towards men. Well, maybe there’s a little residual anger left, but most of it is gone. I managed to love anyway and truly forgive and find compassion in my heart. I get to have my brother back for the next few months. I haven’t had my brother in over ten years. I’d missed him… Now that my issues with men are done, maybe I’ll be able to find a husband. What do you think?

Have a good day, y’all.



Day 342

Loving Confrontations

One Comment
  1. Jealous of those 12 hours of sleep!!

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