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Day 335 – Nobody Said It Would Be Easy

June 29, 2014

I’m learning something. Sometimes things are hard.

I’ll be leaving Vegas in a few hours and going back to my life. My job, my apartment, the people, etc. Constant striving. This trip was much needed.

I’m about to cry. This trip was just so good. I don’t like Vegas that much, but I liked being out of my normal day to day environment and being able to just take some time to enjoy things. I liked the fact that I won $30 on the slot machines and then lost $25. When I was playing my last few dollars, I bet the maximum amount. I figured I might lose, but I be the maximum anyway. It felt good to bet the max. It felt good to give it all and not kind of gamble.

You win some and you lose some.

I think Mr. President will be disappearing and going back to his life. It took me all these years to realize that I love this man. I always used to judge him so harshly and demonize him for the smallest things. But this time around, I was actually able to love him, and I can say goodbye with peace in my heart. It happens. He tried his best to be with me. And I tried the best with all the knowledge I had at the time. I just didn’t know any better.

It happens. You win some and you lose some. And it hurts when you lose. Nobody said it would be easy.

But here’s the good news. When you know you have given your all and when you leave a situation and it’s laced with all the love your heart could have given, you don’t leave with regrets.

You know the only thing I regret about my almost relationship with Muse? I regret that I cussed him out at the end. I mean he was the biggest jerk I’ve ever met and he deserved to be cussed out and beat up by someone, but that someone didn’t have to be me. I had intended only to love him, and so I regret that I allowed him to make me deviate from my intention…

It is hard to go back home to my life. I wish I could reverse time and go back five years. I would have made a different choice. I would have been somebody’s wife and we would have had beautiful children together. And I probably would have been very happy with him… And I probably wouldn’t have appreciated any of it.

I wonder if there is a way around the hard part. I wonder if there is a way to appreciate the good without having experienced the bad. Someone I know right now has a very wonderful man who loves her. She is betraying him in little ways, taking him for granted and planting seeds of distrust in their relationship. She has never known adult life without a man who loves her. How could she know how lucky she is to have what she has? I hope she doesn’t have to lose him to figure it out…

I could go on and on tonight, but I don’t think my body can handle it. My hands are trembling and I have to get ready to go. I’m grieving and I’m afraid tonight, Lord. I don’t know what comes next and it’s not easy to leave a very peaceful weekend at a posh resort and return to the raggedy streets in my neighborhood. It’s not easy to have had a real life vision of love and go back to no man potential husband in sight (at least not one that I actually want to be with) and still keep my heart open.

It’s not easy. But I guess nobody said it would be easy. I will keep my heart open and I will keep working, but God please help me to be strong. I think I could actually use some of that strength that people say I have right about now. I don’t ever want to lose my smile again. I don’t ever want to close my heart again. I don’t ever want to be standing so close to my dreams come true and self-sabotage or not be able to see it again. I want to live now, Allah, and I’m willing to do the work. I’m willing to give my all, even if my all is just a little bit. I’m willing to stay open. I want to. I don’t care if it’s hard. I know that I am able… I know that I am able… I know that I am able…


Day 335

Nobody Said It Would Be Easy

This open heart thing seems to be doing me some good, though. It seems to be healing the broken parts in me.

From → The Alive Part

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