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Day 339 – Love Anyway

July 6, 2014

Hi there.

Mozart died at 37. A friend of mine just sent me that text.

I’m tripping. I’m not super tripping, because at least I can step back and see that I’m tripping, but

I’m tripping nonetheless.

At my spiritual center, they said that when you feel like you can’t do something, then ask God to do it through you. So God, I’m asking you to bring peace through me, because I’m not feeling peaceful.

I’m asking you to bring peace through me. I’m asking you to bring peace through me. I’ve been angry for a while here. I was just trying to read my book, but I can’t concentrate because I’m so angry… I’m mad at my brother. He did a little thing, but it was a big deal, because he’s been doing this little thing for more than half our lives now. He ignored me. I sent him a text about a sensitive subject matter and he just ignored me. Then when he came home he acted like nothing had happened.

I’m so mad at men these days. I had all these thoughts of doing all this bad stuff to him until he says sorry for everything. And then I saw him in the kitchen this morning. Clueless. He’s not even aware of half of the ways he hurts so many people. And if I made him aware, he’s not grown up enough to say sorry.

So what am I gonna do? Forgive him. That is where the saying comes from. Forgive them Father for they know not what they do. Forgive us. I guess if we knew any better we would recognize that it’s in all of our best interests just to be open and honest and kind to each other. Sometimes it’s so hard, though. We have ventured so far away… It’s so hard not to just punch my brother in the face when he does some of things he does. I’m so angry with him, Allah. I’m still angry. And hurt.

He just abandons us. Disappears. He’s our big brother and we don’t have a father, and he just throws us away every time. Doesn’t even talk to us. Doesn’t even sit down with us to see what’s going on. And then he wants to ask us for sh*t. And we have to ask other men to help us with man stuff… I’m so mad. We put up with it. Nobody says anything. Everyone is scared of his disapproval. Everyone just wants him to love us and so we keep quiet. We are his biggest cheerleaders when he does anything good and he treats us like nonentities…

This is my issue, You say. This is my issue with Muse and Voodoo Man and My Almost One. This is the closure I’ve been seeking. What is it, God? What do I need to learn here? These dudes. I Love them so much and they don’t see it. They don’t allow for it. They have love repellant all over them. And they treat me like shit on purpose. And deep down, we both know that they love me, too. In fact, they talk to other people about how great I am and all this stuff, but they will never even give me a kind word.
I’d like to learn what I’m supposed to learn here. Love anyway, You say.

Ugh. Seriously? Love anyway? That is so hard. It’s so hard to give to someone when they’re not giving to you. How can I do it? I’m mad at him. I feel like he just takes advantage of people and I’m encouraging and enabling it.

– No one said let him take advantage of you. No one said encourage abuse. But you don’t have to hurt them just because they are hurting you. You don’t have to “show them” or “teach them”. They will learn the lessons they need to learn in their own time. Your lesson is to love anyway.

In your work to come, there will be those that you love who hate you only because you love so much. Only because you have escaped the prison of hate that they are trapped in. They will try to prove to themselves and to you that love doesn’t work, and there may be challenges.
Your job, your lesson, Laydie, is to love anyway. Be firm. Be strong. Set a standard for Love and vibrancy in Your life. Tell the truth. But do it with Love. Do not intend to hurt them. Do not intend to punish them. Do not intend to punish yourself. Intend to Love. Yourself and the ones you interact with.

This is your heart’s deepest desire anyway. This is really why you are so angry with your brother. Because he is messing with your intention to love. You are angry because he is inciting anger in you when you wanted to love him. And, yes, you wanted him to love you, too. You wanted them to love you, too, but everyone is not able to do what you want when you want it. Everyone is not willing. Leave them to Me… Leave life to unfold as it will. You just do your part.

You know you’ve got this Love thing on lock. You do your part. You can kiss Muse and Almost Love and Voodoo Man goodbye now. You can part ways with your brother in peace now. They have unearthed all the anger in you around this issue of abandonment. You have learned how to express your need to be cherished and loved. You have learned to accept your need fulfilled. Good job. You have learned to ask and receive. And you are learning how to give what is in your heart to give anyway. Let the blessings fall at their feet if it may. Let the blessings only scratch the surface of their ears if it must.
They will hear in their own time. They will pick up love when they are ready. Maybe not in this lifetime. They may never say thank you. They may never say sorry, but you, my dear, will sleep in peace if you follow through with what has been put in you to do. You love anyway, you hear?

Day 339
Love Anyway

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