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Day 336 – On Feeling

July 1, 2014

Heavy hearted…

Emotions all over the place. I used to cope with being emotional just by shutting down or running away from anything that might make me feel too strongly, but now that I’ve decided not to shut down and to stay open, my emotions have been all over the place.

I find myself thinking in curse words often. Years of repressed anger surfacing.

I know I missed another day. The next blog after this will be about discipline. I know it’s something I need to improve upon. I don’t think it will be that hard. Tonight I want to talk about morals, though, because my mind is drawing a blank and I can’t really remember what those are.

In the course of three weeks, I have fallen in love with someone else’s husband. I had the chance to fall in love with him before he was someone else’s husband, but I never gave him the opportunity to get inside my heart. Now that he is taken and now that he still wants to be with me after marrying someone else (how flattering), I have decided to open my heart to him. I didn’t think there was any danger, but I was wrong. I’m falling for him. And I wonder if I’m falling for him only because I know he’s taken. I wonder if he was free and single, if there was no danger, no adventure, just him with nothing to lose, would I still fall in love with him?

I am tired of me. I don’t even know where to begin with morals. I have completely lost my religion, and the worst part is, I don’t even feel bad about it. I still believe in God and I’m not generally interested in doing bad things to people, but the rules are all cloudy now. People who I used to think were “bad” now seem good, and people who would appear to be “good” seem bad to me. Actions that I would never dare take make sense to me now and vice versa. Heaven or hell do not entice or deter me. I don’t know what the rules are anymore.

And I’m angry, God. I’m mad that Mr. President could just come back into my life out of left field and rock my entire foundation. I’m mad that I had a routine and life was OK and now it’s all topsy turvy. I’m mad that Mr. Almost Famous didn’t just marry me and make things easy. I’m angry because the only answers that I have to anything related to my relationship life are to cry and get angry. I can’t run anymore. And I can’t shut down anymore. But these men would have you sell your soul if you let them. I can’t do that either.

“Pray about it,” You say. I don’t even know how to pray any more. My heart is broken, God. I don’t even know how to pray any more. The things I used to do in the past aren’t working anymore.

“Pray about it,” You say.

This is the place with no answers. There are no answers about my potential new job yet. No answers about my movie. No answers about my children’s book. No answers about my husband. My mom is trying to hook me up with a nice religious man. We talk. He bores me to tears. But he’s nice. Predictable. Safe. But I don’t want him. Men on the street smile at me and I get angry. What am I so angry about, Lord?

I am mad at men. I am angry with them for always fucking things up for women. Cheating and leaving, running away from anything that makes them feel vulnerable, not supporting us, that conditional love shit… Taking us away from our dreams because of their insecurities, subduing our power because of their big egos, holding us hostage and quarantining us if they get us… I am mad at men for not Loving me. I am mad at men for not caring about women. For thinking that we are only tools and side pieces to the fantasies in their heads. For not seeing us as people. I am mad at men for not saying please and thank you and I’m sorry, for holding back love and for trying to punish people and teach them lessons all the time. I am mad at men for always trying to dominate everything even when they know they are not the most qualified. I am mad, God.

But mostly I am mad at the men in my life for not staying. For not sticking it out. For running away without even saying goodbye. For not being there for me. I am mad at them for never saying thank you for shit. For holding back love from me on purpose and never telling me all the good things that I am. I am mad at them for never even asking themselves how they could help put a smile on my face and make my life easier, yet still wanting to be a part of my life. I am mad at them for confusing loving me with wanting me.

So there.

I have twelve minutes before midnight. This blog is about morals and anger. I’m not going to delete it and start over and try to write something inspirational. Because I’m angry.

I’m gonna pray about it. I guess I promised not to curse men out anymore, so I won’t go on a cursing spree. I’ve said it all here. I’m gonna clean up my room…

I’m feeling stuff again. It doesn’t feel good at all, but at least it feels something. At least I’m angry for real. At least I’m loving all the way. At least blood is coursing through my veins and I’m coming alive again. At least I’m feeling stuff… I’ll pray about it.

Day 336

On Feeling

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From → The Alive Part

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