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Day 340 – On Completions (Making Space)

July 8, 2014

This is unbelievable. Good morning World.

The storm is ending. My emotions are settling. The pain and the hatred towards men is leaving. Last night, I actually took a hiatus from worrying about men. It wasn’t on purpose. I just had a lot of work to do on a tight deadline. So I spend the majority of the evening working really hard on an application. I had to write several essays about why I want to do what I want to do with my life and who I am.

I enjoyed working. My brother and I were scheduled to have a “talk”. He was softer yesterday. Nicer. He thinks I’m going to dump him. He’s funny like that. Intuitive like me. I’m not going to dump him, though. I’m just going to dump our dynamic once and for all. He just doesn’t get to be in my presence and be mean to me or my darling little sisters anymore. He doesn’t get to make us feel trapped and evil and unworthy of love any more. He has to love us or he must go. Of course I will always love him. But from a distance.

Good morning World. I broke up with Mr. President yesterday, too. Well, I was never really with him, but he had been the focus of my awareness for the past few weeks, waking up all sorts of feeling in me. The feelings are fading. Passion is a memory. The truth of the matter is, someone’s husband is trying to cheat on his wife with me. It is going to take a while before he becomes brave enough to be trustworthy, but he will get there. I know he will. I know that he didn’t just reappear in my life for nothing. And I know that we are both already changed for the better because of our brief re-encounter.

Love is out there, huh God? Love is real. It works wonders. Mr. Almost Famous came to me in my prayers last night. Bless his beautiful soul. Thank you, Allah, for showing me what integrity looks like in the form of a man. Thank you for letting me know that good men who keep their word and don’t hurt you exist. Thank you. He always comes to me in dreams, in real life, in visions, and nudges me. He tells me everything is going to be all right and I believe him. I believe him. He tells me that my life is a good life and he stands on the side lines and watches me like a man. Like a brother. Like a father. Like a Lover. He doesn’t interfere. He tells me that I can do it on my own. He knows I can do it on my own. But just in case I fall and really really need some help, he lets me know that he’ll be there. And he’s always there. He always answers my call. He never ignores me and he never lies to me and last night he came to me in a prayer and he told me that I’m doing good. And he told me that everything is going to be all right and I believe him because he doesn’t lie… He is a true friend.

I have to get ready for work, but I just want to say that this closure thing is a good thing. It makes space. It cleans the air so that things can flow more smoothly. It unearths all the bitterness and pain and anger in you so that it can come out and stop blocking all the good from flowing smoothly. It reminds you of who you really are. Or maybe it helps you to think about who you really are for the first time. It takes your heart and twists it and drains it and rings it out. And when the process is done, you realize that all the parts of you have finally come home. Your heart can beat again…

Day 340

On Completions (Making Space)

From → The Alive Part

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