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Day 341 – Say Goodbye

July 9, 2014

Hi there. I’m home alone.

My brother will be in in a minute, but I kind of want to be alone for a while. I’ve been having low-grade anxiety for the past few days because I’m supposed to sit down and talk to him about his exit date as well as other things that have been bothering me for years. He just brought some things to the surface with his recent episode of ignoring me.

I’m usually pretty confrontational, so it’s not like me to take so long to let him know how I feel. I’m afraid. I’m actually afraid to lose him or hurt him. At the same time, I can’t keep coming home to this energetic dynamic. We don’t really match. He wants the window shades closed. I want them open. He thinks feelings lead us astray. I think they are our guides. I want to have people over and share everything with everyone. He would prefer to be alone. He has a strong presence just like me, and so he doesn’t have to say much for me to know when we are not on the same page. Generally, we are not on the same page. There is a common denominator between us though: we love each other.

Perhaps that is a place to start. Life is changing, but I’m resisting it in some areas. I feel the impetus all around me but I am afraid of all of the loss that I’m about to incur. I initiated the closure of all of my relationships with men from my past so that I could make room for love, but I didn’t know it was going to be this hard to let go.

Mr. President and I spoke this morning. He made it very clear that he just wants to be my lover and make a baby with me. And I made it very clear that I’d like to give myself to someone fully and be their wife… In the ten + years that I’ve known him, we’ve never been lovers. He’s rich and he’s a celebrity in his country. He has a house and a foundation in Cali. There are so many women that are so much prettier than me who would throw themselves at him with no hesitation. They wouldn’t care about his wife. As long as he paid their bills and took them on trips, he could live out whatever fantasy he wants with them… I wonder why he got back in touch with me. I have no idea what really goes through his mind and his heart. I don’t think anyone does. And maybe that’s why he reached out in my direction. Because we connect. Because he was longing to be connected to someone in a real way and so was I. I’m gonna miss him…

I used to think that if nothing else worked out, Mr. President would always be there. He autographed one of his books to me once and wrote “If someone somewhere disappoints you, please come back to me.” I can’t come back to him anymore. He is someone else’s husband. And I can’t be his lover or mistress ‘cus it’s just really wrong, and according to him, he can’t be my friend if we can’t be lovers. So that’s it. This is a real goodbye. I may never see his perfect smile again. We will never have children or do business together. We will never go on any more adventures together… Goodbyes have never been my thing. I don’t even understand them.

How do you say goodbye to someone you loved? How do you just not participate in their lives anymore? He ran off. He got afraid and angry and married someone else. I know so many people with husbands and wives and children who have built their entire lives as a reaction to being afraid and angry. There are children involved. People are enmeshed. How can you divorce someone after you have promised your life to them? After your sweat starts smelling like their body? After your children have developed in their wombs? If I have trouble saying goodbye to people I have never been married to and never even been intimately involved with, then I can not imagine living through a divorce. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

The sad truth is, though, sometimes you must part ways. Sometimes the potential suffering to be incurred by staying with someone far outweighs the suffering that will come from saying goodbye. Sometimes goodbye is a much-needed hello to the rest of your life.

I would have married him… Now my mind and heart and spirit and I have to have a talk and figure out how to be honest about our grief, let him go all the way, and yet keep ourselves open. How am I going to stop hoping that he’ll just show up one day and tell me he’s single and we’ll live happily ever after? How do you really say goodbye to someone you Love, God? You know, I have been pretending to say goodbye and get over things for quite some time. I don’t want to pretend anymore. I don’t want to walk down the street and meet some new guy and act like I’m OK when I’m still wondering what Mr. President is doing and how he’s doing. I don’t want to just cope or rationalize or repress my grief. And I don’t just want to dive into my work and close myself off from feeling again either.

I want to be authentic. I’m supposed be closing things, though, and making a real space for a real love.

Give it some time, You say.

I’m supposed to be dating someone I love by the end of August.

You say Give it some time. Don’t force anything.

I did my best. I was honest. I shared Love. I was vulnerable. And I didn’t even cuss him out or say anything mean when I got upset. I was Loving all the way through. You are saying that the grief will pass sooner than I know it, and my two month timeline for getting connected with the love of my life is not impossible.

So say goodbye. You could have been his friend, but he can not be your friend.. Let it be. This is the part where you practice everything you’ve been learning. When you talk to your brother tonight, he will be angry. He will snap at you. He will not want to hear what you have to say. Listen. This is the part where you practice loving anyway. Not just in words in a blog. In real life. Oh, it is easy to do everything when it is easy. But when your emotions get involved, when people don’t do what you want, when nothing in the future is promised, when you have to make tough decisions that you know everyone won’t agree with, when the line between right and wrong is very thin, this is where you get to practice everything that you have learned thus far.

So now, Laydie, We are going to practice. You let Mr. President go. You decided to choose what was right instead of what feels right. You are establishing a moral center and practicing. Next, you must part ways with your brother with Love. Even though you are angry, even though you want to teach him all these lessons, even though the thought of talking to him gives you a low grade anxiety attack, We are establishing a new way of living. And so tonight, We are going to say goodbye to anger. It has its place. But not tonight.

Tonight We are going to let the Queen in you wake up and practice using her voice. Even though you are afraid. Even though no one pursued you quite as much as Mr. President. Even though your brother may never really be as kind to you as you want him to be, We are serving Love now and so We say goodbye to all that is not Love. Say goodbye to your little self now, Laydie. Say goodbye and let the big You come to life.

Day 341
Say Goodbye

From → The Alive Part

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