Day 47 – Surrender

Last night I worked on my script. It was one of the hardest things I’ve done in a while. I started writing and about an hour into it, my shoulders started tensing up. Then my head started hurting really bad. I went to look in the mirror and my eyes were bloodshot red. Finally when my stomach starting hurting, I got off the computer and went to sleep. It was a bit much…

I’m just waking up and I wish I could say I felt much better, but I don’t. Everything still hurts, and I have to go to work today. I feel a little heartbroken. I mean, no one has broken my heart recently, but my feelings have come back alive and I realize that I’m hungry for someone to Love and for someone to Love me back. I guess these are the moments folks don’t talk about. The breakdown moments that will have you stuck in time.

I have learned that it is possible to breakdown and move forward. In fact, the two seem to be correlated, like whenever you commit to making a big change, there has to be some sort of breakdown, because your old life is ending. It’s not usually pretty like the movies. Actually, it usually looks like a drug addict detoxing and going through withdrawal…

So, what to do? I’m going to work for sure and I’m going to try my best to get out of this funk and be nice to the kids at work. And finally, I’m finishing my script on time. Final answer. Finishing this script gives me a sense of purpose. Maybe that’s why it’s taking me so long to finish it. Because what will get me through the day once it’s done? What happens when you lose your sense of purpose? When your kids grow up or your significant other leaves or you have finished doing the thing that has motivated you to get off the bed for so long?

I don’t know the answer. Too many sad questions to start the day off. What I do know is that there is an answer. There is a way out of this state of mind. So, I’m going to sit down, let these thoughts go for a minute, say my prayers, and surrender to the truth that lives beyond my fear and my pain.

Have a good day.

Day 47

Surrender