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Day 54 – Die

October 8, 2011

It’s super early morning, but I’ve been up all night. I am so excited. Fourteen pages left to write in my 99 page script!

It’s flowing well. It’s the most challenging thing I’ve done in a while, but it feels so good to do it!

I’m at my former college in a study room and I’m about to go home… So the day is over/beginning.

What do I have to offer to this new day? Soon these writings will be over and I will move on to other things. My friend was right. I will not remember how I used to feel when I used to cry every day. But I will remember that it was me in that little lonely apartment. I will remember that I was lonely before and lost. I will taste the vague echo of desperation and I will know how to recognize hope and appreciate compassion because of it.

That was me who couldn’t even find the strength to write a single page. That was me who had almost given up. That was me who died…

I am sure that I am a completely different person today than I was just three months ago. Is this what resurrection is about?That woman, the other lady who was constantly heartbroken, the one who was disempowered and afraid, that person who didn’t believe that she was worth anything, who didn’t believe that she could offer anything to the world, she died. She died at such a deep level.

The saying goes, “everybody wants to go to Heaven, but no one wants to die”. It’s inevitable. The old must be released to make room for the new. The thing I have learned about fear is that it’s OK to be afraid. We try to pretend that we are not scared, and that doesn’t help. The secret is to keep walking in the direction that you know is right even though you are afraid and soon your fear is transformed into faith when you realize that you are on the other side.

So death sounds scary, in any form. The thought of losing a thing you have become used to is never comfortable, but I am embracing death now. She is the sister of Life, the balance that makes the world go round…

And so who is this new woman who stands in the place of the shadows of who I was? I call her Open. Or maybe Hopeful. Powerful. Brave. Worthy of the Very Best in Life. Accepting of God’s Blessings. I name her Useful and I baptize her with the gift of connection to her fellow human beings. I allow her to give and receive Love again. I allow her to express ALL of her gifts and talents in this lifetime. I allow her to be happy. I allow her to have a sound body and mind. I allow her to know Truth and Grace and I claim that She will create only good in her life and in the lives of others from this day forward. She is amazing. She is Generous and Giving. Her heart is as Big as the Ocean and she doesn’t hold back and all that she gives is constantly returned to her. I name myself in this way from this day forward.

Life after death after life after death… Ameen.

Day 54


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