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Day 51 – Who Is God

October 4, 2011

Up with the sun. I’m usually up before the sun, but often rushing to work.

It’s nice to have this reflective time before the day gets started.

I don’t want to talk about my personal life today.

So this morning I’d like to check out from the recordings that are usually playing in my head and go a little deeper to see what is on the outskirts and insides of my usual thoughts…

Dear God, they have said many things about you. Some have said you don’t exist. Others have said to fear You, Love you, do as You have said in this book or the other. They say you are a part of us and speak to us in every and many ways. You have Created us to Serve you, Worship you, Be Happy, experience everything, do nothing at all, give Glory to you. They say life has nothing to do with you and there is no purpose except for that which we give it. Some say you have an arch enemy who is determined to keep us away from You. Others say the enemy is only our own thoughts.

So you see, God, they are saying many things about you, about Life. They have said other things in the past. As you know, God, I have considered many of the different things they have said about You, and tried some on for size. I have asked you Who you are many times. Maybe I have been asking the wrong question or reading the wrong book. My friend said I have been praying in the wrong language. My sibling said that I should ask “What” and not “Who”… Everybody has an answer, but few seem to walk around with clear eyes and integrity. Few seem to be able to live the lives that they dream…

This morning I am back at the same question: Who Are You? or What Are You? I am tired of listening to what they say. They are more concerned about being right and holding on to their identities and egos than finding out the truth. Look at my heart please. Read my mind. You know where I am coming from.

Systematic programming doesn’t satisfy me. I have tried, but my mind runs too wild. Even the thought of alcohol and drugs leave a bad taste in my mouth already and there is only so much TV i can watch before i get bored, so you see there is no escape for me, no numbing out. Sex? Well, I’m scared of diseases and not particularly interested in random babies, so can’t even go there to get away from thinking…

I have almost died before, been alone, broke, lost, hungry. I have been betrayed by people I love and disliked by people who’s opinions I value. And I have felt life tingling in my hands, had money and faithful lovers and been admired by the same folks who didn’t like me. I have seen a lot of different places and I am not afraid of what might come next. I realize that no matter what happens, I’m either going to live or die.

You have given me that. You have helped me to realize that there is always the choice to live or die. You have shown me that no condition is permanent. You have also shown me that life is bigger than my present perception. I know that You exist. So, this morning, I would like to ask you to show your face, please. Who are you?

A voice whispers in the back of my mind, “you have still not done as I instructed”. OK. You are right. I’m getting to it. I will ask You again when I am done.

Day 51

Who Is God

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