I have my eyes closed as I’m typing this. It’s been a really challenging day. A really challenging week.
I did a lot. Today I did a table read for one of my scripts. It’s where people sit around a table and I assign them characters in the script and we all read it out loud. The people who were at the table read were all professional writers, most of whom have sold at least one movie and/or are employed in the entertainment industry right now. After we read the script out loud, everyone gives notes. They ripped my script apart. I mean, they were just talking about me like I wasn’t even there…
One thing I noticed, though. We usually spend about 15 to 20 minutes talking about a script, but they literally spent an hour discussing mine. Everyone had extreme opinions: either they really really loved it and thought it could be a “powerful and epic movie” or they just really didn’t like it at all. I think it’s a good thing when folks really have a strong opinion about your work. It means you are at least touching something in them… But man, they hurt my feelings. I have a way to go before I can express what is in my head on paper in a way that my message is clear to anyone who reads it…. Like, I’m not as good as I want to be yet and I’m actually going to have to learn new things, do research and use parts of my brain that have been atrophied for years to get to the place I know I’m going to be. I think this particular script could be a powerful and epic movie as well, and thanks to my writers group I know the elements that need strengthening. Now the daunting part is figuring out how to improve the things that I know aren’t working.
Can I tell you for a moment what I did this week? I went on a fifteen hour bus ride to a deserted town to meet up with Dream Lover. And then I took a fifteen hour bus ride back home. I learned what the term “oxy cotton” means, because that is how folks described this town. When I got back in LA, I found out that my sis had violated a living agreement that we had. Sometime in the midst of my bus ride I almost fainted because I was so anxious about what would/wouldn’t happen between me and Dream Lover. My head was buzzing and I felt like throwing up. I literally had to sit there and count my breaths and drink some water to keep from passing out…
I came back to LA feeling disillusioned and disappointed. Some of my “friends” showed that they were happy about the idea of me not having the love of my dreams. After all, they thought it was too good to be true. Surprisingly, I wasn’t interested in laying on the bed or sleeping. I wasn’t even interested in making myself busy, although I did go and hang out with a few people. I wasn’t interested in yelling at my sister or being fake with the hater friends or crying or not crying. It’s just like everything stopped. I realized that I had been creating my life around the prospect of being with Dream Lover for some time, whether consciously or unconsciously. I always thought that one day he would come. He would be perfect. I even kept a really nice bar of soap in the closet for him. I thought that we would leave this town and travel together and build and create stuff all around the world together and I wouldn’t have to worry about Love or sex or anything of that anymore because I would finally have my man. I even imagined what song we would dance to on our wedding date and what our kids might look like…. I had this whole fantasy that was based upon us having a life together and all of a sudden, that fantasy was gone.
I didn’t curse God. I lashed out at some of my stupid hater “friends” for wishing me bad, but I didn’t really even care about them either… I just felt so empty. Like, what am I going to do now? I asked God for help and answers, but I wasn’t hearing anything. And it seemed like my most negative, pessimistic, horribly unhappy “friends” kept calling me to tell me “yep. I told you life and people suck”… I stopped answering their phone calls, and I’ve been in a bit of a daze this week. I stopped feeling sorry for myself. Not on purpose, but just because I really didn’t have the energy.
I sat down and prayed even though I couldn’t feel any connection at first…. And it started yesterday. I woke up after having so many magnificent dreams. In one of them I was a bear running free and I actually woke up singing a song about freedom (which I promptly penned). Then today I went to my writer’s meeting. They bashed my script and encouraged me at the same time. I came home and received two messages from females essentially wanting to be friends. One of my hater friends texted me to ask me about Dream Lover and he was so rude. I finally just told him to stop it already and he did.
And then, as I was sitting on my bed, I could feel it. I wish I could explain this feeling to you. Let me try. You see, I was so heartbroken about Dream Lover that I couldn’t see or feel anything good. But for just a few moments this evening, I saw everything and everything was good. I did not see the ending. I did not see how things would turn out. I didn’t really have any answers but I felt connected to something so sweet, something so safe. I felt safe, like no matter what happens, I’m not going to break. I felt and I still feel that I don’t have to be sad. Something in my mind has changed and despair just isn’t an option anymore. Life is the only option. Do you get it? It’s either life or life or death and it really doesn’t matter what happens on the outside. New friends don’t seem so daunting anymore… Well… Okay a little bit but I’m still going to go with it.
I realize that I have been afraid of girl friends because I thought that once they get to know me, they will see all of my issues and they won’t want to be my friend anymore, but after sitting on this Greyhound bus to nowhere land and listening to all the issues all those folks have and seeing how they still have friends, I figure I really can’t be that bad. And this is why they say bless the darkness. Because in the darkest nights we are given the opportunity to use other faculties to see, rather than our limited vision. We learn to trust and exercise faith in our hardest moments. We listen more keenly. We can smell what is good and bad and we know when not to answer the phone.
God, you have taken me so many places and today I bless it all. I bless it all and call it good. Ameen.
Day 107
Bless The Darkness
It’s been a little over a week since my last writing. I’ve been really busy working, trying to meet deadlines and spending time with human beings, finding out that human beings can be really nice.
Life has been good. Life is still good. I’m home alone this morning. It’s a really pretty day and my apartment is relatively clean. I met so many wonderful people this past week. I worked an event with some ladies around my age and they were so sweet. I got to meet some famous people and made some more connections, and I built stronger bonds with some people I had already known. Everything is actually very good. I even met a new guy. I am really amazed at the caliber of men I am meeting these days. They are all so alive. I guess I, too, am alive now because they actually like me.
My brother texted me this morning offering me stuff. The one who said I was the devil… He doesn’t really think I’m the devil. Well, maybe sometimes he does, but that’s ok. He may never ever say sorry for anything he has ever done, and that’s ok, too. It’s not OK, per se, but it’s ok, you know? He can be himself. I just have to decide whether or not I want to relate to him and in what capacity.
I think that’s what I’m learning now, not just in theory, but in actuality. There is only so much you can control in life. You can control what you do or don’t do in a day, but other than that, the rest just isn’t up to you. You have no idea who you are going to run into at a supermarket or how the weather may change, but you can choose to commit to seeing the truth in spite of it all…
God, I am so peaceful today. I don’t have anything to complain about. I mean, I can make something up or find something that’s wrong or try to be mad at something that I’m supposed to be mad at, but I really just feel happy. So I guess that’s it. I’m going to let myself feel happy even though I have no good reason to do so. There is a clean space in my mind and heart where I can’t find any pain, and Lord, I am so, so, so very grateful for that. Thank You. I don’t know a lot of things. I don’t know which one of these fabulous men I’m going to marry, if any. I don’t know when my game show check and car is coming, I don’t know when I’m going to actually receive some money for some of these writing deals I’ve been talking about. I don’t even know which part of the world I am going to be in in the next few months… Can I live this way, without knowing what the future holds? You say I have been living this way all my life and just thinking I was in control of things.
Life has been so good in these past couple of months. I don’t think I can even remember I time in my life when I haven’t been worried about one thing or the other. God, I want to help people so that they can know this place. The place where your head doesn’t hurt all the time and your heart doesn’t hurt all the time. Oh man, the place where you can share an authentic smile! It’s lovely.
When I was broke, busted and disgusted and always hustling trying to find a job and make money and worried about rent all the time and involved in some kind of drama with whatever man, and so insecure that I was afraid to even finish any of my writing projects and lonely and feeling pretty darn pitiful, I remember I would hear people say just trust God and everything was going to be all right, and I would think, “What does that mean? I have to pay bills and eat!” Now I know what it means… I still have to pay bills and eat but my head doesn’t hurt because I have come to trust that my bills will be paid and there is no way I could be homeless or hungry. So, I still do what I need to do to take care of my basic needs, but since I don’t spend so much time worrying about controlling everything, I have space in my brain and insight to do other things, like think about life after basic needs are met and work towards creating things.
It’s a good life. I don’t have any profound magic words today, but I want you to know, it’s a good life. Your life is a good life. Yes, you can have a good life. It’s OK. It’s possible for even you. We were not created so that we could suffer and cry every day. We were not created so that we would only be alone. No! It’s an illusion. It’s not what life is about, unless that’s what you want it to be about. I want you to know that there are good people in the world! I have met them and shaken their hands. They exist! I’m sure I have met them at other times in my life, but I was too caught up in the muck to realize it.
Whatever you are going through, don’t worry. Please, save your energy for the good stuff. Life is a good life. Our world is a good world. Take it one day at a time. Be encouraged. Be happy…
Day 106
Don’t Worry, Be Happy
I’m feeling anxious. Had a hard time breathing today. On Saturday, the new writer’s group that I joined will be reading and giving me notes on one of my scripts. The people in the group are mostly professional, accomplished writers and it’s the first time anyone professional is going to give me notes on this particular script…
I haven’t looked at the script in a little while and I went over the whole thing today. It’s actually better than I thought it was, but not as good as I want it to be. I can see where it could use improvement and I know what needs to be done, but I’m not quite at the point where I can do what needs to be done effectively. I know that as I practice more I will get better, and I can at least say that it’s good enough where I don’t think they will dog me out completely, but it’s not as good as I want it to be…
So I’m procrastinating right now before I go back over the script one last time and try to implement the notes that I made to myself earlier today.
In case I hadn’t mentioned it before, I don’t have a job job right now. What I mean is that I work a job job half of the year, and I’m off the other half of the year, which is when I focus on my writing and creative stuff. This is my second year working like this and it has been going good. I’m not rich, but I can pay my bills and have a little extra and most importantly, it allows me to make significant progress with my writing and creative pursuits. Last year I spent this time developing my writing portfolio and so this year I am now focusing on shopping, exposing and revealing my work…
I say that to say, it’s been a while since I’ve applied for jobs, but in the past two days, literally four people contacted me offering me work. Two had seen my resume somewhere and they were “job job” offers, and the others were referals asking about my writing.
Then, to top it off, as you know, Dream Lover is in my state now. He was in another city 8 hours away from me the last time we talked, but he has a car and he said he will be here “soon” of course. I haven’t seen him yet and we’ll see if he can actually manage to be brave enough to see me face to face. I think he will, but to be honest, I’m not particularly excited about him right now. I think the only reason he has stuck around in my heart with a constant option to return is because he talked so good and I couldn’t have painted a picture of my dream lover better than the words he has given me. I have been holding on to the hope and possibility that his words could be real. He said he was going to cook everyday and I love to eat good food! LOL! But I am realizing that his words are only words and I don’t know if I am strong enough or faithful enough to sit around and hold out for him while he neglects me and goes through whatever he is going through, hoping that one day he will be the man that I know he is… In the meantime, Mr. Almost Famous, who is possibly the sweetest thing I’ve ever known, called me yesterday. I suspect he’s broken up with his girlfriend. And to top it off, the last guy I was dating (we’ll call him Youngy), who I got along marvelously with and who is such a gentle, smart and quietly strong and considerate soul, contacted me today saying all kinds of sweetness.
I don’t know what to do anymore. So many choices. Even my “to-do list” is almost complete and will literally be all checked off in the next couple of days. My friend brought to mind that I really haven’t made choices in a long time, but have rather been in a reactionary, desperate state of survival. But I’m not worried about survival anymore. I’m not worried about being alone or poor. I am keenly aware now that the little choices that I am making really are life changing.
So Lord, what do I do? Who do I pick? Do I take one of these job offers or keep focusing on the writing projects I have been working on until they are published and produced or start new things? How do I know what to do? Really? Where is the book of instructions? I am trying, but I can’t hear your voice today. Everything is blank… Hello?
You are not talking to me today? What am I going to do if you won’t talk to me? I don’t get it. God, I know the best way to learn how to make a choice is to make a choice, but I don’t have time to explore three different relationships and four different jobs anymore. I’ve already done all of that exploring. Now I just want to walk on the straight path.
-You already know what to do…
Oh my God! Please help me!… OK. Fine. You won’t help me. You are telling me to help myself and stop feeling sorry for myself. You are telling me that it is demonstration time and that I have to command my life. After all, I said I was queen, didn’t I? A queen does not go begging and beseeching. A queen commands her own life and declares a thing to be, recognizing that she is not the Source, but she has the power…
-Do not ask Me to help you with this that and the other. Ask to know me and you will be able to help yourself. You will stand in a place of power. It’s a good word when you know how to use it. Don’t you see?…
Yes, I do. Thank you God.
Ameen.
Day 105
Help Yourself
My body has been tripping out lately. My eyes feel really weak and my head hurts when I get on the computer and I have to take really deep breaths.
I’m trying to think of what could be wrong. Maybe I’ll find a doctor that actually cares about healing. I’d diagnose myself as being resistant to all of the new stuff, but it wouldn’t hurt to get a second opinion…
I broke up with someone yesterday. I know, I say I am single, yet I am constantly breaking up with someone. This is how it usually happens. I break up with someone, like I did yesterday, and then I walk outside today and I meet someone new. Inevitably, after I meet someone new, one of my exes from long ago calls and tries to rekindle things. Then, on a day when I am tired of working non-stop, I either go out with the new guy or call one of the exes. I think the longest I have been “single single” in the past few years, without any part of this process happening has been for about three good months, and this has occurred since the writing of this blog.
Anyway, my recent break-up. It wasn’t really a break-up, but I had been spending time with this guy, “dating” as we called it, which literally meant spending time with one another on a level deeper than friendship, but not on a level where we had any commitments to each other, so we were free to do whatever else we wanted with whoever else… He was nice enough and I don’t have any real complaints about him: cute, sweet, did what he said he was going to do, light-hearted and brave, but at some point this “dating” thing stopped making sense to me. I mean, what were we doing? I just didn’t get it. Wasn’t I supposed to be readying myself for a husband?
So, after our last date, which was a couple days ago, I came home and I felt totally drained. He didn’t do anything wrong. I think he actually liked me. When I woke up the next morning (four hours later than I normally wake up!) I realized why I was feeling so tired. I was lying. To myself and to him. This dating thing wasn’t going to go anywhere. Like I said, he passed the test and had many of the qualities on the checklist of a qualified husband, and I could see myself having a lot of good times with him, I just couldn’t see myself being his wife. I just didn’t want to. I don’t know why. I know what you are saying, he didn’t ask me to be his wife and we were just dating, but wifery was the ultimate objective.
I try to imagine I am on the bachelorette, looking for my husband. There is no need to continue seeing someone and giving him a rose if you don’t think he could be “the one”. It’s just leading people on. They deserve to be with someone who really wants to be with them. I’d want someone to do the same for me.
So anyway, he took the news well enough, but I was feeling kind of sad and guilty about leaving him. Then I started trying to find other things to make me feel sad and I thought about whatever and whoever I could so that I could get some kind of emotional response. Try as I did, though, I couldn’t get a good cry out. I laid on the bed and did very little work all day, but still I didn’t feel bad enough to cry. Finally I gave up and just got back to my “to-do” list. Some folks invited me out and I’ll go today…
I realized something, though. In my attempts to cry and feel sad, it wasn’t the sadness I was seeking, it was the feeling. I was seeking to feel something, anything, and since sadness had been such a willing companion for so long, I thought I could access her easily. But she didn’t come along this time. She wasn’t interested in me anymore.
So I’m sitting here this morning in shock. The demons don’t want me anymore. I don’t want them either, but I have to admit, I have spent a large chunk of my life courting one negative feeling or the other. I had gotten used to their company. I feel like a baby now without them. Really, I feel so brand new. All of the old rules don’t apply anymore.
I’m a little excited and afraid, I’ll admit. I am actually starting at the very beginning and I have no idea what to do. What are the rules for picking a mate? Feelings? Resume? The way he treats you? I don’t know. What is the meaning of life? I don’t know. In a strange way, I am glad that I don’t know the answers to these things. I get to discover them again, this time with open eyes and a clean heart. Today is such a good day…
I have to start somewhere, though, so what do I know? What do I have to work with here? Honesty, integrity, intuition. I can be honest with people and with myself about what I think and feel. This seems to help keep my energy high and stop me from getting sick. I can act on my true thoughts and feelings and I can trust the guidance that I get in my prayers and meditation. I guess I’ll figure out the rest as I go along. God, You are really doing a number on me… Thank You.
Day 103
Start At The Very Beginning
I have so much to write about. I haven’t written in about a week. Been trying to figure out which direction to take this blog, especially with the book coming out. Realizing that this is my medicine, too, this opportunity to sit and reflect on what is going on in my mind and what I am trying to create. It makes all the difference in the world when you take time to get in touch with yourself on a regular basis.
Should I tell you that me and the fancy producer have become good friends? We have. Just like that. Should I tell you about all of the other good stuff that has been happening, so much that I actually became a bit overwhelmed? I won’t talk about all that at this moment. What I’d like to do is tell you that I’m on the other side now. I have been initiated into the land of happy. Some people are born into it, but oh, for us travelers who have been through the storms, the prize is so much sweeter!
And now I would like to talk about life on the other side. The happy side of happy. I’m here, Mom! I made it! I know I did a whole lot of crazy stuff, but somehow God stopped me from dying and I am able to experience a day of utter and complete peace. Mom, I’m happy today. I finally think my life is worth something. Aren’t you glad? Your daughter is finally happy… Technical details are still being ironed out in my life, but I’m actually not worried about anything at all. How could I be sitting here, feeling this way, looking at where I have come from, and doubt that anything is possible?
When I started off writing this blog, I was worried about what I would do once I didn’t have any drama or sadness in my life. Like, what do people talk about? I’m pretty adventurous and fighting with some man or the other has always kept the action alive in my life, so what am I gonna’ do now that I’m really not interested in all that painful negative drama? Be nice to folks? Create good stuff? What’s that look like? I’ve never experienced life without struggling or my deep down dreams being manifested. Man, having my mind not worry about stuff is something so totally new to me. I don’t think I have felt this clean since I was little girl. I am excited about the rediscovery of my smile. I am exciting about rediscovering my talents.
I’m not quite clear about how things are going to turn out from this point forward, but I’m not scared. I am learning that my intuition is a very good instructor and guide and I trust it now. I have been initiated into a group of folks that I have heretofore only seen from a distance: The ones that live from a true sense of purpose and have demonstrated that all of their needs are met. They are on some other stuff and I finally feel that I can actually hang with them. I’m good enough. I got to say that again. Like Louise Hay says, I am worthy of the very best in life and I now gratefully, lovingly and willingly accept it…
So, for the blog. Where do I go from here? I thought about starting over from day one, but that seemed a bit silly because I’m not on day one. I have been through a lot before coming to this place, and I’m not ashamed of it. It’s just life. It happens when you’re living and I still think it’s important that we share our struggles. Seriously. Life is so much better without the fakeness.
I guess it’s fitting that this blog is now in a new century. Day 101. Life On The Other Side Of Happy. Adventure no longer equals drama. Hmm. Let’s see what happens…
Day 101
The Other Side
What a day. What a week. What a life.
Let me tell you what happened. I’ll start at the beginning. Six days and twelve hours ago, I decided to go to a popular library in town. It’s a nonprofit library where professional screenwriters can sit and do their work and have writing resources. I went there so I could start getting used to being around people in my industry again instead of working at home. When I got back to my car, this guy flagged me down to speak with me. I stopped and talked to him and we exchanged info. I wasn’t sure if I was actuallly going to call him or meet up with him again and so I just kept his number. Two days later, I went to my spiritual center. I don’t usually go on Wednesday night, but that night, I wanted to go to a dance class they offer after service, so I decided to go. Right after service, I’m on my way to dance class, and who do I run into? The guy I met. I’ll call him Mr. Proper because he has a really big vocabulary and even bigger principles that he lives by, and he speaks very proper English. I took our second meeting as a sign and decided to connect with him. A few days later, we met for lunch, and I find out that he is a supermodel (I actually remember seeing him on several commercials, videos, movies and ads) who is now transitioning into filmmaking. He is cochair of an artists’ networking group, and he invites me to come to one of their meetings. So I come. The meeting was yesterday. At the meeting, I meet this other guy that people have been telling me I need to meet. He is the producer of a very popular film that is similar in theme to one of the films I’ve written and he runs a production company that has a partnership with one of the big Hollywood production companies and he is looking for content. He just happens to be from the same city my parents are from and also speaks their language. So, he and I are just talking and joking and we exchange info. Shortly after I leave the meeting, he calls me on the phone and we talk for almost an hour. He tells me to send him my writing…
On top of that, I get information from a company that is interested in this blog. They want to make it into a book…
Mr. Almost Famous and I had a wonderful closure conversation where he told me that he was going to fight for his love but wanted us to continue a friendship. I hold him in such high regard that I feel lucky that he would even want to be my friend. Dream Lover called me and said he would like to fight for my love. I’m not sure if he has what it takes to win me back, but I’ll let God take care of that. I know what it’s like to actually feel my heart alive again and I know that it’s possible for me to be with an honorable man that I adore and so I’ll keep that vibration high and keep my heart open.
I am happy again. Or rather, I may be truly happy for the first time in my life, because my happiness doesn’t depend on me having one thing or another. Mr. Proper said that I smile and laugh with all of me. Can you believe it? I remember not too long ago I couldn’t even get the corners of my mouth to turn upwards, much less smile, but I’m that girl now. I’m becoming one of those people, the ones that radiate Love, the ones who are at peace with themselves, the ones who do what they are called to do in this world… I am becoming who I was meant to be. My heart is clean and my mind is clear and I am excited about what the new day may bring. I am overwhelmed with Gratitude…
The nature of this blog is changing, and the content is changing too. I’m not sure which direction It’s going, but as soon as I get some clarity, I’ll let you know. Thank you for being with me on this journey. I needed this. I needed you, anyone, someone to care. I needed to know that I am not alone, and I tell you, I am not alone. We are not alone on our journeys even in our darkest nights.
So how not to cry every day? I’ve found the answer! Pray if you need to. Talk to yourself. Write a blog. Exercise. Make a list. Read a book. Get off the bed. Drink some water. Find a friend. Clean your house. Do something you always dreamed of doing. Scrub your feet. Take a bath. Share just one smile with anyone who will receive it. Open your arms in the sunlight and soak up anything good from anywhere. Forgive somebody. Apply for a job. Connect with another human being any way you can. Do what you can. Do what you can and watch what happens…
Any Day
Do What You Can
It’s the middle of the day. I’m at Starbucks about to put in some time on my writing projects. I realize that I get more accomplished if I work by time instead of tasks, meaning, I say I am going to spend two hours writing instead of saying I am going to complete seven tasks on a list. If I say I will spend two hours, I will really spend two hours and inevitably I will make some progress in that time…
Today has been a different kind of day. Very pensive. Left the house early to help a friend out, went out in the sun and did a real yoga session, prayed, meditated, got a new phone… Today I was thinking about our motivations, dreams, goals, what gets us up out of the bed each day and makes us want to continue with life. For most, it is a sense of duty or obligation, or a particular goal: we have to do whatever to take care of our kids, or we have this dream that we are trying to accomplish, whether it is to get (happily) married, finish college, start a business, be an artist, own a home, save $100 or go to Heaven… There always seems to be thing we are doing, a reason for living…
What happens when you have done the thing that keeps you moving every day? When the kids grow up or you have bought a home? What happens when you have saved all the money you want to save? Is that why we take so long to do the things we want? Because we don’t know what will become of us once we have lost our motivation for living? Today I realized that my motivations are very simple: Clean and organize my life and living space, marry a wonderful man, and become a prolific writer… When I started with this blog, my motivation was just to stop crying. Can you believe it? All I wanted was a day that I could actually feel happy. Such a simple thing that we take for granted… I have since had several days that I wasn’t crying, and even days that I have cried out of gratitude and joy and thanksgiving, but still there are those three things that I have yet to accomplish.
I only have complete control over the first one: clean and organize my living space. About the writing and the man, I have a little control: I can make myself emotionally available and have closure with any relationship that might interfere with a new love, and I can keep a little free time in my life so that when a man shows up, I will have time to be with him. I can also complete my writing projects to the best of my ability and submit them to people who might be interested in presenting them to the world… So there are things I can do. Upon evaluating my life, though, I find that I have made progress, but I have a way to go.
Today in my meditations, I imagined. I imagined what life would be like if I already had all of those things, if I already was all of those things that I say I want to be and have. I don’t know anyone in my personal life who is happily with someone they are in love with, clean and organized, and doing the life work that they are being called to do, so it is easy for me to start believing this thing is impossible. I realized that in my mind, I see accomplishing my goals as some sort of dream. Not like it could really happen, but something that I would always look forward to. I realized that I didn’t actually believe that I would ever have much money, or that life would ever be easy, or that I could even ever meet a wonderful available man who wanted me, much less be with one, and I definitely didn’t believe that my writing would ever amount to much.
I’m just being real. These are the things that played in my head. I imagine these kinds of things play in a lot of people’s heads and that is why we continually do things that stop us from accomplishing our goals. So, I made a decision some time ago that I wanted to be one of those people on the other side. I don’t have to be famous or whatever, but I’d like to be a true living example of what it’s like to live with joy and what it’s like to have a clear conscience and live with integrity and what it’s like to have more than enough money and what it’s like to be able to do the life work that I am being called to do. I decided some time ago, after I managed to stop crying every day, that I’d like to live before I leave this Earth, or at least do my best to do my best.
So today, I used my imagination. I figured that was a good place to start. Since I don’t have any real world concrete examples of what my dream life looks like, I decided that I could at least imagine it and that way my subconscious could at least consider the thought that this is possible for me and not just a dream. Because I had been viewing it as a dream, you know? Like when you go to sleep and maybe you dream of flying but you know that it’s not real. So I sat down today and I imagined. I let my imagination run wild until I could see myself actually knowing joy and until I could see myself actually knowing happiness and until I could see myself actually being successful and actually, (this is the hardest one for me) having a loving relationship with someone. It was overwhelming, but I’m going to do it again. This week, I’m going to dedicate time instead of doing a task list. I know the things that I can do to improve my situation, so I’m going to dedicate actual time to doing them: time to submit writing projects, time to organize things, time to plant seeds in my subconscious mind, and time to build with other humans.
I think this blog is moving in another direction now, but we’ll see what happens. I’ll keep you posted.
xoxo
Day 100
Imagine
Up early again today. Took a minute to send a text to the Latest Drama, the person who called me the devil. I told him how much he has hurt me over the years and I told him that I was tired of being attacked by him…
He doesn’t care. Actually he does care, but he wants me to believe he doesn’t. He was number two on the list of people I love most in this world, and he hurts me so bad. And he doesn’t know. It’s not even the fact that he called me the devil or whatever. It’s the fact that he was trying to hurt me. He has been trying to hurt me for so long…
And it comes to mind that this dynamic, between the number two person that I love most in the world, and the number one person that I love most and the number three person that I love most, they are all the same. Oh, they Love me. Deeply and profoundly. But they don’t want me to know it. They want me to know that they will leave me, abandon me, not be there for me, lash out and attack, if I don’t act right. They want me to know that they are running things…
This doesn’t work for me anymore, God. Having a heavy heart doesn’t work. Resentment and anger, they don’t work any more. Not interested in dysfunctional relationships, manipulation of power dynamics, or anything else but a good thing. I will change. I don’t mind. I know that there is something in me that has attracted this kind of dynamic for so long. It’s what I’ve been used to. But I’m willing to change. I’d like to change now and forever more. I am willing to do my part, God.
-You say I am already changing and that is why these old relationships are falling away. They are not willing to change and so they no longer fit in your paradigm. See the Truth of what is happening. Bless them on their path. Don’t judge them. You have been just as bad and worse. Just bless them. Forgive them and Love them. Release the need for them to ever say sorry or do anything different. Love them unconditionally in the way they could not Love you. It is ok. You have been Loved unconditionally by others. Be wise now…
OK… I’ve felt depressed for the past two days after being torn down by Latest Drama, but I’m off the bed today and I will actually get my book proposal turned in by the end of today. Hopefully they will take it home for their weekend read…
When I think about the little dramas that we are all entwined in, I feel silly. Such small things that we hoard for life. Someone hurt us and so we close our hearts. We weren’t able to do a thing (make some money, lose weight, finish a project) and we started thinking we were worthless. Someone betrayed us and we decided that we could never trust again… We lost touch with each other and we forgot that life could be good… Deep down we are starving to remember…
But we are waking up, little by little, one by one. We coming into ourselves. We are choosing to be good again. We are choosing to do the things that we have been called to do and be the people we are being called to be. We are standing tall and slaying the demons as they come or even learning to live with them. I know that I am not alone on this journey… Literally as I’m writing this my friend just called me to check on me and make sure I’m working today.
We are blessed beyond our fondest dreams. We are loved beyond our fondest dreams. Help is everywhere. Love is everywhere. Answers are everywhere. We can not always see them, but don’t be discouraged. Stand up anyway and open your arms. Bend down anyway and let the fear fall off. Take an honest step and see what happens. Love anyway. Love any way.
Day 99
Love Any Way
