My body has been tripping out lately. My eyes feel really weak and my head hurts when I get on the computer and I have to take really deep breaths.
I’m trying to think of what could be wrong. Maybe I’ll find a doctor that actually cares about healing. I’d diagnose myself as being resistant to all of the new stuff, but it wouldn’t hurt to get a second opinion…
I broke up with someone yesterday. I know, I say I am single, yet I am constantly breaking up with someone. This is how it usually happens. I break up with someone, like I did yesterday, and then I walk outside today and I meet someone new. Inevitably, after I meet someone new, one of my exes from long ago calls and tries to rekindle things. Then, on a day when I am tired of working non-stop, I either go out with the new guy or call one of the exes. I think the longest I have been “single single” in the past few years, without any part of this process happening has been for about three good months, and this has occurred since the writing of this blog.
Anyway, my recent break-up. It wasn’t really a break-up, but I had been spending time with this guy, “dating” as we called it, which literally meant spending time with one another on a level deeper than friendship, but not on a level where we had any commitments to each other, so we were free to do whatever else we wanted with whoever else… He was nice enough and I don’t have any real complaints about him: cute, sweet, did what he said he was going to do, light-hearted and brave, but at some point this “dating” thing stopped making sense to me. I mean, what were we doing? I just didn’t get it. Wasn’t I supposed to be readying myself for a husband?
So, after our last date, which was a couple days ago, I came home and I felt totally drained. He didn’t do anything wrong. I think he actually liked me. When I woke up the next morning (four hours later than I normally wake up!) I realized why I was feeling so tired. I was lying. To myself and to him. This dating thing wasn’t going to go anywhere. Like I said, he passed the test and had many of the qualities on the checklist of a qualified husband, and I could see myself having a lot of good times with him, I just couldn’t see myself being his wife. I just didn’t want to. I don’t know why. I know what you are saying, he didn’t ask me to be his wife and we were just dating, but wifery was the ultimate objective.
I try to imagine I am on the bachelorette, looking for my husband. There is no need to continue seeing someone and giving him a rose if you don’t think he could be “the one”. It’s just leading people on. They deserve to be with someone who really wants to be with them. I’d want someone to do the same for me.
So anyway, he took the news well enough, but I was feeling kind of sad and guilty about leaving him. Then I started trying to find other things to make me feel sad and I thought about whatever and whoever I could so that I could get some kind of emotional response. Try as I did, though, I couldn’t get a good cry out. I laid on the bed and did very little work all day, but still I didn’t feel bad enough to cry. Finally I gave up and just got back to my “to-do” list. Some folks invited me out and I’ll go today…
I realized something, though. In my attempts to cry and feel sad, it wasn’t the sadness I was seeking, it was the feeling. I was seeking to feel something, anything, and since sadness had been such a willing companion for so long, I thought I could access her easily. But she didn’t come along this time. She wasn’t interested in me anymore.
So I’m sitting here this morning in shock. The demons don’t want me anymore. I don’t want them either, but I have to admit, I have spent a large chunk of my life courting one negative feeling or the other. I had gotten used to their company. I feel like a baby now without them. Really, I feel so brand new. All of the old rules don’t apply anymore.
I’m a little excited and afraid, I’ll admit. I am actually starting at the very beginning and I have no idea what to do. What are the rules for picking a mate? Feelings? Resume? The way he treats you? I don’t know. What is the meaning of life? I don’t know. In a strange way, I am glad that I don’t know the answers to these things. I get to discover them again, this time with open eyes and a clean heart. Today is such a good day…
I have to start somewhere, though, so what do I know? What do I have to work with here? Honesty, integrity, intuition. I can be honest with people and with myself about what I think and feel. This seems to help keep my energy high and stop me from getting sick. I can act on my true thoughts and feelings and I can trust the guidance that I get in my prayers and meditation. I guess I’ll figure out the rest as I go along. God, You are really doing a number on me… Thank You.
Day 103
Start At The Very Beginning
I have so much to write about. I haven’t written in about a week. Been trying to figure out which direction to take this blog, especially with the book coming out. Realizing that this is my medicine, too, this opportunity to sit and reflect on what is going on in my mind and what I am trying to create. It makes all the difference in the world when you take time to get in touch with yourself on a regular basis.
Should I tell you that me and the fancy producer have become good friends? We have. Just like that. Should I tell you about all of the other good stuff that has been happening, so much that I actually became a bit overwhelmed? I won’t talk about all that at this moment. What I’d like to do is tell you that I’m on the other side now. I have been initiated into the land of happy. Some people are born into it, but oh, for us travelers who have been through the storms, the prize is so much sweeter!
And now I would like to talk about life on the other side. The happy side of happy. I’m here, Mom! I made it! I know I did a whole lot of crazy stuff, but somehow God stopped me from dying and I am able to experience a day of utter and complete peace. Mom, I’m happy today. I finally think my life is worth something. Aren’t you glad? Your daughter is finally happy… Technical details are still being ironed out in my life, but I’m actually not worried about anything at all. How could I be sitting here, feeling this way, looking at where I have come from, and doubt that anything is possible?
When I started off writing this blog, I was worried about what I would do once I didn’t have any drama or sadness in my life. Like, what do people talk about? I’m pretty adventurous and fighting with some man or the other has always kept the action alive in my life, so what am I gonna’ do now that I’m really not interested in all that painful negative drama? Be nice to folks? Create good stuff? What’s that look like? I’ve never experienced life without struggling or my deep down dreams being manifested. Man, having my mind not worry about stuff is something so totally new to me. I don’t think I have felt this clean since I was little girl. I am excited about the rediscovery of my smile. I am exciting about rediscovering my talents.
I’m not quite clear about how things are going to turn out from this point forward, but I’m not scared. I am learning that my intuition is a very good instructor and guide and I trust it now. I have been initiated into a group of folks that I have heretofore only seen from a distance: The ones that live from a true sense of purpose and have demonstrated that all of their needs are met. They are on some other stuff and I finally feel that I can actually hang with them. I’m good enough. I got to say that again. Like Louise Hay says, I am worthy of the very best in life and I now gratefully, lovingly and willingly accept it…
So, for the blog. Where do I go from here? I thought about starting over from day one, but that seemed a bit silly because I’m not on day one. I have been through a lot before coming to this place, and I’m not ashamed of it. It’s just life. It happens when you’re living and I still think it’s important that we share our struggles. Seriously. Life is so much better without the fakeness.
I guess it’s fitting that this blog is now in a new century. Day 101. Life On The Other Side Of Happy. Adventure no longer equals drama. Hmm. Let’s see what happens…
Day 101
The Other Side
What a day. What a week. What a life.
Let me tell you what happened. I’ll start at the beginning. Six days and twelve hours ago, I decided to go to a popular library in town. It’s a nonprofit library where professional screenwriters can sit and do their work and have writing resources. I went there so I could start getting used to being around people in my industry again instead of working at home. When I got back to my car, this guy flagged me down to speak with me. I stopped and talked to him and we exchanged info. I wasn’t sure if I was actuallly going to call him or meet up with him again and so I just kept his number. Two days later, I went to my spiritual center. I don’t usually go on Wednesday night, but that night, I wanted to go to a dance class they offer after service, so I decided to go. Right after service, I’m on my way to dance class, and who do I run into? The guy I met. I’ll call him Mr. Proper because he has a really big vocabulary and even bigger principles that he lives by, and he speaks very proper English. I took our second meeting as a sign and decided to connect with him. A few days later, we met for lunch, and I find out that he is a supermodel (I actually remember seeing him on several commercials, videos, movies and ads) who is now transitioning into filmmaking. He is cochair of an artists’ networking group, and he invites me to come to one of their meetings. So I come. The meeting was yesterday. At the meeting, I meet this other guy that people have been telling me I need to meet. He is the producer of a very popular film that is similar in theme to one of the films I’ve written and he runs a production company that has a partnership with one of the big Hollywood production companies and he is looking for content. He just happens to be from the same city my parents are from and also speaks their language. So, he and I are just talking and joking and we exchange info. Shortly after I leave the meeting, he calls me on the phone and we talk for almost an hour. He tells me to send him my writing…
On top of that, I get information from a company that is interested in this blog. They want to make it into a book…
Mr. Almost Famous and I had a wonderful closure conversation where he told me that he was going to fight for his love but wanted us to continue a friendship. I hold him in such high regard that I feel lucky that he would even want to be my friend. Dream Lover called me and said he would like to fight for my love. I’m not sure if he has what it takes to win me back, but I’ll let God take care of that. I know what it’s like to actually feel my heart alive again and I know that it’s possible for me to be with an honorable man that I adore and so I’ll keep that vibration high and keep my heart open.
I am happy again. Or rather, I may be truly happy for the first time in my life, because my happiness doesn’t depend on me having one thing or another. Mr. Proper said that I smile and laugh with all of me. Can you believe it? I remember not too long ago I couldn’t even get the corners of my mouth to turn upwards, much less smile, but I’m that girl now. I’m becoming one of those people, the ones that radiate Love, the ones who are at peace with themselves, the ones who do what they are called to do in this world… I am becoming who I was meant to be. My heart is clean and my mind is clear and I am excited about what the new day may bring. I am overwhelmed with Gratitude…
The nature of this blog is changing, and the content is changing too. I’m not sure which direction It’s going, but as soon as I get some clarity, I’ll let you know. Thank you for being with me on this journey. I needed this. I needed you, anyone, someone to care. I needed to know that I am not alone, and I tell you, I am not alone. We are not alone on our journeys even in our darkest nights.
So how not to cry every day? I’ve found the answer! Pray if you need to. Talk to yourself. Write a blog. Exercise. Make a list. Read a book. Get off the bed. Drink some water. Find a friend. Clean your house. Do something you always dreamed of doing. Scrub your feet. Take a bath. Share just one smile with anyone who will receive it. Open your arms in the sunlight and soak up anything good from anywhere. Forgive somebody. Apply for a job. Connect with another human being any way you can. Do what you can. Do what you can and watch what happens…
Any Day
Do What You Can
It’s the middle of the day. I’m at Starbucks about to put in some time on my writing projects. I realize that I get more accomplished if I work by time instead of tasks, meaning, I say I am going to spend two hours writing instead of saying I am going to complete seven tasks on a list. If I say I will spend two hours, I will really spend two hours and inevitably I will make some progress in that time…
Today has been a different kind of day. Very pensive. Left the house early to help a friend out, went out in the sun and did a real yoga session, prayed, meditated, got a new phone… Today I was thinking about our motivations, dreams, goals, what gets us up out of the bed each day and makes us want to continue with life. For most, it is a sense of duty or obligation, or a particular goal: we have to do whatever to take care of our kids, or we have this dream that we are trying to accomplish, whether it is to get (happily) married, finish college, start a business, be an artist, own a home, save $100 or go to Heaven… There always seems to be thing we are doing, a reason for living…
What happens when you have done the thing that keeps you moving every day? When the kids grow up or you have bought a home? What happens when you have saved all the money you want to save? Is that why we take so long to do the things we want? Because we don’t know what will become of us once we have lost our motivation for living? Today I realized that my motivations are very simple: Clean and organize my life and living space, marry a wonderful man, and become a prolific writer… When I started with this blog, my motivation was just to stop crying. Can you believe it? All I wanted was a day that I could actually feel happy. Such a simple thing that we take for granted… I have since had several days that I wasn’t crying, and even days that I have cried out of gratitude and joy and thanksgiving, but still there are those three things that I have yet to accomplish.
I only have complete control over the first one: clean and organize my living space. About the writing and the man, I have a little control: I can make myself emotionally available and have closure with any relationship that might interfere with a new love, and I can keep a little free time in my life so that when a man shows up, I will have time to be with him. I can also complete my writing projects to the best of my ability and submit them to people who might be interested in presenting them to the world… So there are things I can do. Upon evaluating my life, though, I find that I have made progress, but I have a way to go.
Today in my meditations, I imagined. I imagined what life would be like if I already had all of those things, if I already was all of those things that I say I want to be and have. I don’t know anyone in my personal life who is happily with someone they are in love with, clean and organized, and doing the life work that they are being called to do, so it is easy for me to start believing this thing is impossible. I realized that in my mind, I see accomplishing my goals as some sort of dream. Not like it could really happen, but something that I would always look forward to. I realized that I didn’t actually believe that I would ever have much money, or that life would ever be easy, or that I could even ever meet a wonderful available man who wanted me, much less be with one, and I definitely didn’t believe that my writing would ever amount to much.
I’m just being real. These are the things that played in my head. I imagine these kinds of things play in a lot of people’s heads and that is why we continually do things that stop us from accomplishing our goals. So, I made a decision some time ago that I wanted to be one of those people on the other side. I don’t have to be famous or whatever, but I’d like to be a true living example of what it’s like to live with joy and what it’s like to have a clear conscience and live with integrity and what it’s like to have more than enough money and what it’s like to be able to do the life work that I am being called to do. I decided some time ago, after I managed to stop crying every day, that I’d like to live before I leave this Earth, or at least do my best to do my best.
So today, I used my imagination. I figured that was a good place to start. Since I don’t have any real world concrete examples of what my dream life looks like, I decided that I could at least imagine it and that way my subconscious could at least consider the thought that this is possible for me and not just a dream. Because I had been viewing it as a dream, you know? Like when you go to sleep and maybe you dream of flying but you know that it’s not real. So I sat down today and I imagined. I let my imagination run wild until I could see myself actually knowing joy and until I could see myself actually knowing happiness and until I could see myself actually being successful and actually, (this is the hardest one for me) having a loving relationship with someone. It was overwhelming, but I’m going to do it again. This week, I’m going to dedicate time instead of doing a task list. I know the things that I can do to improve my situation, so I’m going to dedicate actual time to doing them: time to submit writing projects, time to organize things, time to plant seeds in my subconscious mind, and time to build with other humans.
I think this blog is moving in another direction now, but we’ll see what happens. I’ll keep you posted.
xoxo
Day 100
Imagine
Up early again today. Took a minute to send a text to the Latest Drama, the person who called me the devil. I told him how much he has hurt me over the years and I told him that I was tired of being attacked by him…
He doesn’t care. Actually he does care, but he wants me to believe he doesn’t. He was number two on the list of people I love most in this world, and he hurts me so bad. And he doesn’t know. It’s not even the fact that he called me the devil or whatever. It’s the fact that he was trying to hurt me. He has been trying to hurt me for so long…
And it comes to mind that this dynamic, between the number two person that I love most in the world, and the number one person that I love most and the number three person that I love most, they are all the same. Oh, they Love me. Deeply and profoundly. But they don’t want me to know it. They want me to know that they will leave me, abandon me, not be there for me, lash out and attack, if I don’t act right. They want me to know that they are running things…
This doesn’t work for me anymore, God. Having a heavy heart doesn’t work. Resentment and anger, they don’t work any more. Not interested in dysfunctional relationships, manipulation of power dynamics, or anything else but a good thing. I will change. I don’t mind. I know that there is something in me that has attracted this kind of dynamic for so long. It’s what I’ve been used to. But I’m willing to change. I’d like to change now and forever more. I am willing to do my part, God.
-You say I am already changing and that is why these old relationships are falling away. They are not willing to change and so they no longer fit in your paradigm. See the Truth of what is happening. Bless them on their path. Don’t judge them. You have been just as bad and worse. Just bless them. Forgive them and Love them. Release the need for them to ever say sorry or do anything different. Love them unconditionally in the way they could not Love you. It is ok. You have been Loved unconditionally by others. Be wise now…
OK… I’ve felt depressed for the past two days after being torn down by Latest Drama, but I’m off the bed today and I will actually get my book proposal turned in by the end of today. Hopefully they will take it home for their weekend read…
When I think about the little dramas that we are all entwined in, I feel silly. Such small things that we hoard for life. Someone hurt us and so we close our hearts. We weren’t able to do a thing (make some money, lose weight, finish a project) and we started thinking we were worthless. Someone betrayed us and we decided that we could never trust again… We lost touch with each other and we forgot that life could be good… Deep down we are starving to remember…
But we are waking up, little by little, one by one. We coming into ourselves. We are choosing to be good again. We are choosing to do the things that we have been called to do and be the people we are being called to be. We are standing tall and slaying the demons as they come or even learning to live with them. I know that I am not alone on this journey… Literally as I’m writing this my friend just called me to check on me and make sure I’m working today.
We are blessed beyond our fondest dreams. We are loved beyond our fondest dreams. Help is everywhere. Love is everywhere. Answers are everywhere. We can not always see them, but don’t be discouraged. Stand up anyway and open your arms. Bend down anyway and let the fear fall off. Take an honest step and see what happens. Love anyway. Love any way.
Day 99
Love Any Way
Wow. Thank God for a new day. Yesterday was ridiculously tough.
I slept in sister’s room and woke up late. I don’t use an alarm clock, but can’t remember the last time I have woken up later than I planned. But yesterday, I think I woke up four hours late. On top of that, I didn’t make any moves towards my writing whatsoever and someone I care about insinuated that I was the devil and that hurt my feelings… After more than a week of motivation, yesterday I felt completely down. Fear and doubt surfaced again and my dreams seemed unattainable and even worse than that, silly. I resorted to the bed, but not even because I was trying to stay there. I was just so tired… I did manage to wash all of the clothes in the house, though.
But today! Wow. Today I woke up early and I had such lovely dreams. There was a part in the old movie “Never Ending Story” where creatures come through and heal a hurt boy while he is sleeping. That is how I feel this morning. Like something came in the night and took away the stagnant feeling that I had yesterday and the despair that was trying to take over. These feelings have been replaced with a feeling of peace and a light-heartedness.
I can’t hide from the world and just limit my interactions to people who like and approve of me, I know. Well, I can, but I don’t want to. Sometimes when you go outside, though, and start mingling with different kind of folk, you find people with different opinions who want to make you feel like you are stupid or dumb or evil or misguided or delusional for thinking the way you think or living the way you live. And it seems like there is a war of opinions. Of course this is how the big wars start. Someone thinks their way is better than another person’s way and when the other person doesn’t want to get with the program, the bully tries to make them, thinking it’s for the good of humanity or whatever. Dangerous ideas don’t need to be spread. An example needs to be set, etc.
This is a tricky subject, because there is a fine line between being so overly confident that you can’t see anyone else’s perspective and letting other people’s opinions lure you into doing things that probably aren’t good for you. Like, who is to say that I’m not evil? That I don’t need to stop investigating the deeper realms of myself and, by default, encouraging anyone who interacts with me to do the same and instead just get with some other program? Perhaps the life path I have chosen is a bit of a radical endeavor. Much smarter, more inspired people, countries and governments, have laid out other paths before me, and have told me how I am to be as a woman at a particular time of a particular race in a particular country. Books have already been written about how to attain peace of mind and salvation and they even speak on how to “find yourself” and who that self should be. Why don’t I just get with the program? Who do I think I am?…
These thoughts had me feeling down yesterday; had me questioning myself, had me thinking of moving back to my home town and being a teacher again, diving deep into the religion of my childhood, shutting down the blog, putting away all of my other writings (which all encourage self-reflection in one way or the other), marrying some guy with fancy credentials and calling it a life. It’s not a bad life. In fact, it’s a normal life given the way I was brought up. Why must I be rebellious? (equals evil equals misguided)
So this is what I was dealing with. Does everyone who has ever tried to do anything different deal with this? I am trying to figure out how I know that the path I have chosen for myself is a good path, even though I have no evidence of this. How do I know that pursuing my passion is not the devil tempting me, as that person told me yesterday? It’s a deeply philosophical question. How do you know right from wrong? How do you pick a religion? How do you decide what to do with your life, which job to pursue or not, who to be with? I don’t have the answer…
The only thing I can say is that I did what other people wanted me to do for a long, long time and I was miserable. There was no end. Whoever I was trying to please always had something else that I needed to do or be in order to fit their image of a good woman and their image of a good woman wasn’t always my image of a good woman. I wanted to go dancing and I was supposed to stay home at night. I wanted to travel. I wanted to read certain books and I wasn’t supposed to because I was told they might influence me in a bad way. I wanted to know people who were different than me, and dam*it I wanted to be happy! I wanted to be happy and I was told in so many ways that that was the silliest, most detrimental goal anyone could have. But I was dying. I was dying trying to be everything but myself and nobody knew it…
So, anyway, today. How do you decide when to stick to your opinion or if it’s a good idea to let other people’s opinions influence you? I think I’ll think like a man for this one, logical. Look beneath the opinion and see what’s really going on. Sometimes people are trying to validate themselves by controlling others, sometimes people are trying to help you. Ultimately, though, you have to wake up to yourself every day. You have to deal with the thoughts in your head and the feelings you have. You are the only one who will reap the consequences of your actions, no matter whose opinion you listened to. No one but you has to live in your skin and oftentimes, no one but you even knows what’s going on inside…
So thank you, God. There are too many opinions, thoughts and ways of being for me to get caught up feeling bad because my life doesn’t fit into one person’s perception of what they think a good life is or a good person is. Sometimes it’s not easy, you know? You do what you think is best and it offends someone else. But what else can I do? How else can I live? You know my heart, God. You know my deepest of deepest intentions. You know why I have chosen the path that I have chosen. Be with me, please, and please lead me in the right direction. Please lead me in the direction of All that is good… Ameen.
Day 98
To Thine Own Self Be True
Good morning. Sis wants to use computer to print stuff out. Why is she up so early???
Trying to connect to the deeper place in me where inspiration lives. I moved my desk out to the living room and I’m having a hard time focusing. I think I’m going back to my room where I feel comfy…
Back in my room. Feels much better. Wow. Perhaps it is true what they say, that spaces have a life of their own. The living room needs to be freshened up a bit, and I’ll tend to that today.
In other news, I survived the loss of Mr. Almost Famous yesterday and then I got so much work done! There was only one thing I didn’t finish on my “to-do” list and that was only because I didn’t realize that the task was so big. In the past, if I had a “to-do” list of ten things, I might have actually only finished one. Yesterday was the opposite.
I’m going to revamp my list to include more than work and to have a daily practice of sharing and connecting with another human face to face. I am getting ready for my new life, which includes a husband and some friends that I connect deeply with as well as professional success and spiritual alignment. There is some value in the saying “fake it till you make it”. Our minds are quite interesting. We get used to things and our habits become our lives. Poverty, chaos, drama, sadness, etc, they are all habits that we learned at some point or another. You’ve got to replace them with the good stuff if you want the good stuff.
Like Gotye says, “You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness”. One of the keys to change is create new habits. Oh, you might go through withdrawal or anxiety when you try to change something you have been doing for a while. Your life might fall apart. In fact, it probably will. It’s a good thing. You are literally breaking down and breaking off who you used to be. But the next step is crucial. After you break down, you must decide who you would like to become and you must practice being that. If you would like to make more money, then you must put effort into earning more and saving more. If you would like healthy relationships, not only must you get rid of all your drama, but you must practice creating healthy relationships, which means expressing Love, saying sorry, being honest and wishing the best for someone other than yourself. If you would like your life to be in order, then you must clean up. Put something in order. Organize something, even a little thing like the dishes in your cabinet. If you would like a deeper spiritual or religious connection, then you must do the work. Sit, pray, ask, read, be honest…
These things are real. This change is real. This magic is not magic at all but common sense that we forgot that we had…
So today I’m going to fake it till I make it. I did that with Mr. Almost Famous and New York and it literally shifted my paradigm. My brain saw what another thing feels like; what life looks like as a fancy writer with clean clothes having meetings and staying in a rich hotel in New York; what life feels like sitting next to a man who makes me come alive… Yesterday I experienced what life feels like to be productive in spite of a small emotional imbalance and my mind says “Hmm…. This is different. This is good.”
New seeds have been planted and they are blossoming already. I am becoming used to this, God! Thank you. I didn’t know that I would ever get here. I am becoming used to good things. I know, old patterns and habits, other people’s viewpoints, are going to try and creep in and destroy my garden, but I’m not even scared anymore.
I root myself in the knowledge that God is for me and not against me. They are not just words anymore. God is for me and not against me. I know this. I cultivate the garden of my new life through my consistent prayers, deliberate thoughts, and actions that are in alignment with my intentions. I trust. Me, who didn’t trust a soul in the world. I trust that there is more good in the universe than I can comprehend and I allow myself to give and to receive of the good. I allow myself to be protected and Loved. I have seen it already. I have seen miracles already and so I know they exist. I have seen grace already and I even know that even when I feel afraid or doubtful, there is a way out if I just allow it to be.
So today, I am going to be a professional writer again and handle some writing business. I think I will bless my body with some good food and exercise like happy people do and then I will tend to my finances like responsible people do. Then I’ll share something sweet of myself with someone else and even let myself receive like good, loving people do.
I’m going to fake it till I make it, but I know that it is not fake. It is who I already am. I’ve just been out of practice for a while. Thank you God so much for this moment. Thank you…
Day 97
Fake It Till You Make It
It’s raining out today. Mr. Almost Famous is leaving town. He just sent me a text thanking me for being me and all this good stuff… Sad poems in my head that I won’t write down.
It can’t possibly really be this hard to find one single available man who I want to be with and who wants to be with me. We had such an amazing time yesterday. He’s a bonafide good guy, but he’s still stuck on his ex (who he just happened to break up with literally hours before he met me)… sigh.
Bittersweet, I tell you. I mean, I meet guys often, but it has been a while since I have met one who I thought, “yeah. I could actually fall in love with this dude and he seems like he’s at the right place, etc where we could make a good thing happen right now.” So. Almost. Almost… If I was a drinker I think I’d go get a drink right now.
But since I’m not a drinker and I’m not really into drugs or random sex or whatever other avoidance tactics are out there, I might as well deal with this bit of loss right now and evaluate so that I can get on with doing my work and other life things. He’s the first “new” guy I’ve thought I could start a serious long-term relationship with in about two years. OK. But why has it taken me two years to like a new guy??? Oh yeah. Dream Lover and all my other random exes that I’ve been caught up with. OK. So I was caught up for a while in a bunch of mess… Wow. Two years??? Time goes by so fast…
Alright. Not gonna’ get down on myself. Continue evaluation. It has been a little over one month since I have been completely completely single with no attachments or unspoken agreements with the exes, and literally I met Mr. Almost Famous a day after I finally got over and done with the exes, so I guess it didn’t take too long for me to find a guy after I was ready. Well, to almost find a guy…
So, Lady my Love, let’s not let this one miss get us down too long. Yes, I am talking to myself. In fact, let’s go ahead and cry or whatever and get over this today. We have to go to work in a bit, and remember we still want to find our real husband, so we can’t get caught up on these almost hits. God will help you. You know he will. I know, Mr. Almost Famous was super fine and the right age and ambition and religion and the whole shabang. And he was an actual good guy who was forthright and tells the truth and keeps his word and loves his mamma. I know, that’s a hard one to let go. But you have to let it go, OK ? What else are you gonna’ do? Get all sad again? Not do your work that you are on the brink of completing? Close your heart and spend another two years getting caught up with anesthetic relationships? Come on. You know you can’t do that anymore. That’s not for you anymore.
-But I’m disappointed. He was so awesome.
I know. You can cry, OK, if it makes you feel better. Go ahead and get the grieving out today. But don’t forget everything that you have worked for, everything that you have accomplished thus far. Don’t forget that he is only one of many many possibilities for love.
-Will I see another soon?
Of course. You know you will. Come on, Lady. Keep the faith. Keep the faith. You know the truth. You know that you were not created only so that you can suffer and cry and be alone. You know that there is joy for you in this life. You have seen it! You have seen so much of it already. Do you think I would give you a heart so big and not give you someone to share all that love with? See the truth now so that the darkness does not take you over. See the truth… He is coming. It is coming to you. Don’t put up your sword and shield. Don’t close your eyes or you will not see it. Don’t stop doing the work. Come on. You can do it. You can be strong and still be sweet. You can grieve and still be open.
You know there are good men out there and you even know that your Mr. Almost Famous was just as smitten by you as you were by him. You two were just not quite ready. But almost ready. And you know that you both have been a blessing to each other, making things clear, burning away the lies, giving each other faith, setting yourselves back on a path of passion and life. You know you had forgotten about your heart and he reminded you and you reminded him… You know that this experience was a good and very good thing, and you even know that you are becoming fantastically wonderful and able to believe that you are worthy of a good man so that when he comes, you will actually be able to accept him.
Come on now. Know what you know… Stop buggin… Easy… Easy now, see? See how quickly the truth burns away fear? Wow. One hour instead of one year! Look how far you’ve come. I think you can stop crying now. At a girl… At a girl.
Day 96
Know What You Know
In a pensive mood. Back from New York. More than amazing and fantastic. Don’t have the words right now to express the magnitude of the shift that is taking place. I understand the song, Amazing Grace now. How sweet the sound. That saved someone like me…
I’m meeting with Mr. Almost Famous this morning. He has become a good friend in such a short amount of time. God, there is so much I want to write about. I’m crying right now, but they are tears of gratitude because you have allowed me yet another day to be happy. These moments are so precious. When I can wake up in the morning and know that anything is possible in this day. When having faith seems easy and movement comes naturally.
I have a lot to do today, so this one won’t be long. I woke up really early, but the time is just going. I had to experience being neglected, abandoned, taken for granted, being poor and not having enough food, being financially successful but terribly unhappy… I had to experience being shy and wishing I would have said something and wishing I would have introduced myself. I had to experience not being close to my mom in order to recognize what a precious gift the little things are. Green juice and having my silly sister around. Having a man ask how my day is and bring me flowers. Money, even a little bit, that you can save and pay your bills and travel with. Having the strength to let go of things and people that hurt you. Having the courage to reach out. Sharing honest conversations with people and being able to laugh unabashedly. Being flexible enough to do yoga poses and having a car to drive around in… Peace of mind… These are all little things, but they are great accomplishments. I am glad to have them. I am glad to be here.
My sister just woke up and is interrupting me. I think today I won’t get mad at her and appreciate her silly sweetness instead. Time to get to work anyway.
It is so good to see the little things while they are here, instead of waiting for them to be taken away. I am happy today. My heart is clean. My mind is clear. My body is well. Money is out there for the making. Success is there for the having. I get to share a smile with a handsome man today…
Thank you God, for the little things. Thank you.
Day 95
Champion The Little Things
hownottocryeveryday 