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Day 90 – Balance

January 15, 2012

We’ll try again today. I’m sorry. I didn’t write yesterday like I said I would. Yesterday was kind of tough. Joined a fancy writing organization and went to their first meeting of the year only to find that no one else showed up (except for the one guy who invited me to the meeting). Been trying to connect with someone that I wanted to give something to and that person has been avoiding me yet inviting me. My almost-son failed many of his classes last semester, so I came up with a new plan to try and help him pass, but I know his father is not going to execute it… Finally, I’ve been checking out this new yoga place and decided to go to one their classes that were above beginners level (beginning level was kind of easy for me) only to find that the next level up was kicking my butt. I think I hurt something in my body…

So by the time I got home yesterday I was feeling kind of frumpy. I went to sleep because that’s what I do when I’m feeling down. The thing about going to sleep in order to avoid your problems is that, alas, you must wake up eventually. So here I am. Awake. I woke up before the sun today, but I only just now got off the bed and the sun is already out.

Disappointed. That’s how I’m feeling. I was looking forward to working with the writing organization but they were not what I thought they would be. I was looking forward to connecting with that individual. I was looking forward to helping my almost-son and finding a yoga home that was going to challenge me but not break me, and none of those things happened. So, as I start my day today, I have to ask myself what to do when things don’t go your way. Do something else? Cry? Keep pushing and try to make your original plan work out? Rationalize it and say that it’s all for the best? How come one day can be so surprisingly good and then the next is completely disheartening?

This is where I’m at this morning. I have come out into the world, and I see that everyone out in the world is not like me. You know, since I started writing this blog, I had ended a lot of my former relationships and only surrounded myself with a handful of nurturing, progressive types, and so I had begun to believe that the whole world was like that. But it’s not. So now I’m wondering, moving forward, should I only make friends and associate with people who are better off than me, or at least on my level, or should I hang out with the folks who are still functioning in the land of manipulation, dishonesty, hurt, fear, etc.?

I think there is a balance. If I hang out with people with issues too long, I will inevitably go back to being depressed. I’m way sensitive and I can’t take a lot of disappointment and lies. On the other hand, if my whole social circle is made up of only happy, progressive types, I will start to have a skewed perception of the world and really, I think it will make me get out of touch with the very people I am trying to help.

I love this blog. It helps me to sort out my thoughts.  I know what to do now. I will find more happy people to be around. Look, I’m still in the recovery stage. Like that yoga class, even though I have moved out of level one, I know that I am not quite at the next phase up yet. So, I’ll spend more time with the folks and ideas that nurture me and I will still expose myself to other things. Not too much drama, though, and nothing too close to my heart. I’m not ready for all that yet. But a little at a time. I’ll check up on my almost-son from a distance and offer what I can. I’ll work on my writing on my own and go to the next group meeting. Maybe I will help them get back organized. It’s OK. I’ll continue to take the level one yoga classes until I have mastered them and couple that with some really challenging running, and I’ll let that individual know how I feel about his behavior and then leave that to God.

I’m doing OK. Life is a give and take. So you give, and you take…


Day 90


From → How To Blossom

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