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Day 98 – To Thine Own Self Be True

January 26, 2012

Wow. Thank God for a new day. Yesterday was ridiculously tough.

I slept in sister’s room and woke up late. I don’t use an alarm clock, but can’t remember the last time I have woken up later than I planned. But yesterday, I think I woke up four hours late. On top of that, I didn’t make any moves towards my writing whatsoever and someone I care about insinuated that I was the devil and that hurt my feelings… After more than a week of motivation, yesterday I felt completely down. Fear and doubt surfaced again and my dreams seemed unattainable and even worse than that, silly.  I resorted to the bed, but not even because I was trying to stay there. I was just so tired… I did manage to wash all of the clothes in the house, though.

But today! Wow. Today I woke up early and I had such lovely dreams. There was a part in the old movie “Never Ending Story” where creatures come through and heal a hurt boy while he is sleeping. That is how I feel this morning. Like something came in the night and took away the stagnant feeling that I had yesterday and the despair that was trying to take over. These feelings have been replaced with a feeling of peace and a light-heartedness.

I can’t hide from the world and just limit my interactions to people who like and approve of me, I know. Well, I can, but I don’t want to. Sometimes when you go outside, though, and start mingling with different kind of folk, you find people with different opinions who want to make you feel like you are stupid or dumb or evil or misguided or delusional for thinking the way you think or living the way you live. And it seems like there is a war of opinions. Of course this is how the big wars start. Someone thinks their way is better than another person’s way and when the other person doesn’t want to get with the program, the bully tries to make them, thinking it’s for the good of humanity or whatever. Dangerous ideas don’t need to be spread. An example needs to be set, etc.

This is a tricky subject, because there is a fine line between being so overly confident that you can’t see anyone else’s perspective and letting other people’s opinions lure you into doing things that probably aren’t good for you. Like, who is to say that I’m not evil? That I don’t need to stop investigating the deeper realms of myself and, by default, encouraging anyone who interacts with me to do the same and instead just get with some other program? Perhaps the life path I have chosen is a bit of a radical endeavor. Much smarter, more inspired people, countries and governments, have laid out other paths before me, and have told me how I am to be as a woman at a particular time of a particular race in a particular country. Books have already been written about how to attain peace of mind and salvation and they even speak on how to “find yourself” and who that self should be. Why don’t I just get with the program? Who do I think I am?…

These thoughts had me feeling down yesterday; had me questioning myself, had me thinking of moving back to my home town and being a teacher again, diving deep into the religion of my childhood, shutting down the blog, putting away all of my other writings (which all encourage self-reflection in one way or the other), marrying some guy with fancy credentials and calling it a life. It’s not a bad life. In fact, it’s a normal life given the way I was brought up. Why must I be rebellious? (equals evil equals misguided)

So this is what I was dealing with. Does everyone who has ever tried to do anything different deal with this? I am trying to figure out how I know that the path I have chosen for myself is a good path, even though I have no evidence of this. How do I know that pursuing my passion is not the devil tempting me, as that person told me yesterday?  It’s a deeply philosophical question. How do you know right from wrong? How do you pick a religion? How do you decide what to do with your life, which job to pursue or not, who to be with? I don’t have the answer…

The only thing I can say is that I did what other people wanted me to do for a long, long time and I was miserable. There was no end. Whoever I was trying to please always had something else that I needed to do or be in order to fit their image of a good woman and their image of a good woman wasn’t always my image of a good woman. I wanted to go dancing and I was supposed to stay home at night. I wanted to travel. I wanted to read certain books and I wasn’t supposed to because I was told they might influence me in a bad way. I wanted to know people who were different than me, and dam*it I wanted to be happy! I wanted to be happy and I was told in so many ways that that was the silliest, most detrimental goal anyone could have. But I was dying. I was dying trying to be everything but myself and nobody knew it…

So, anyway, today. How do you decide when to stick to your opinion or if it’s a good idea to let other people’s opinions influence you? I think I’ll think like a man for this one, logical. Look beneath the opinion and see what’s really going on. Sometimes people are trying to validate themselves by controlling others, sometimes people are trying to help you. Ultimately, though, you have to wake up to yourself every day. You have to deal with the thoughts in your head and the feelings you have. You are the only one who will reap the consequences of your actions, no matter whose opinion you listened to. No one but you has to live in your skin and oftentimes, no one but you even knows what’s going on inside…

So thank you, God. There are too many opinions, thoughts and ways of being for me to get caught up feeling bad because my life doesn’t fit into one person’s perception of what they think a good life is or a good person is. Sometimes it’s not easy, you know? You do what you think is best and it offends someone else. But what else can I do? How else can I live? You know my heart, God. You know my deepest of deepest intentions. You know why I have chosen the path that I have chosen. Be with me, please, and please lead me in the right direction. Please lead me in the direction of All that is good… Ameen.

Day 98

To Thine Own Self Be True

From → How To Blossom

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