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Day 100 – Imagine

January 31, 2012

It’s the middle of the day. I’m at Starbucks about to put in some time on my writing projects. I realize that I get more accomplished if I work by time instead of tasks, meaning, I say I am going to spend two hours writing instead of saying I am going to complete seven tasks on a list. If I say I will spend two hours, I will really spend two hours and inevitably I will make some progress in that time…

Today has been a different kind of day. Very pensive. Left the house early to help a friend out, went out in the sun and did a real yoga session, prayed, meditated, got a new phone… Today I was thinking about our motivations, dreams, goals, what gets us up out of the bed each day and makes us want to continue with life. For most, it is a sense of duty or obligation, or a particular goal: we have to do whatever to take care of our kids, or we have this dream that we are trying to accomplish, whether it is to get (happily) married, finish college, start a business, be an artist, own a home, save $100 or go to Heaven… There always seems to be thing we are doing, a reason for living…

What happens when you have done the thing that keeps you moving every day? When the kids grow up or you have bought a home? What happens when you have saved all the money you want to save? Is that why we take so long to do the things we want? Because we don’t know what will become of us once we have lost our motivation for living? Today I realized that my motivations are very simple: Clean and organize my life and living space, marry a wonderful man, and become a prolific writer… When I started with this blog, my motivation was just to stop crying. Can you believe it? All I wanted was a day that I could actually feel happy. Such a simple thing that we take for granted… I have since had several days that I wasn’t crying, and even days that I have cried out of gratitude and joy and thanksgiving, but still there are those three things that I have yet to accomplish.

I only have complete control over the first one: clean and organize my living space. About the writing and the man, I have a little control: I can make myself emotionally available and have closure with any relationship that might interfere with a new love, and I can keep a little free time in my life so that when a man shows up, I will have time to be with him. I can also complete my writing projects to the best of my ability and submit them to people who might be interested in presenting them to the world… So there are things I can do. Upon evaluating my life, though, I find that I have made progress, but I have a way to go.

Today in my meditations, I imagined. I imagined what life would be like if I already had all of those things, if I already was  all of those things that I say I want to be and have. I don’t know anyone in my personal life who is happily with someone they are in love with, clean and organized, and doing the life work that they are being called to do, so it is easy for me to start believing this thing is impossible. I realized that in my mind, I see accomplishing my goals as some sort of dream. Not like it could really happen, but something that I would always look forward to. I realized that I didn’t actually believe that I would ever have much money, or that life would ever be easy, or that I could even ever meet a wonderful available man who wanted me, much less be with one, and I definitely didn’t believe that  my writing would ever amount to much.

I’m just being real. These are the things that played in my head. I imagine these kinds of things play in a lot of people’s heads and that is why we continually do things that stop us from accomplishing our goals. So, I made a decision some time ago that I wanted to be one of those people on the other side. I don’t have to be famous or whatever, but I’d like to be a true living example of what it’s like to live with joy and what it’s like to have a clear conscience and live with integrity and what it’s like to have more than enough money and what it’s like to be able to do the life work that I am being called to do. I decided some time ago, after I managed to stop crying every day, that I’d like to live before I leave this Earth, or at least do my best to do my best.

So today, I used my imagination. I figured that was a good place to start. Since I don’t have any real world concrete examples of what my dream life looks like, I decided that I could at least imagine it and that way my subconscious could at least consider the thought that this is possible for me and not just a dream. Because I had been viewing it as a dream, you know? Like when you go to sleep and maybe you dream of flying but you know that it’s not real. So I sat down today and I imagined. I let my imagination run wild until I could see myself actually knowing joy and until I could see myself actually knowing happiness and until I could see myself actually being successful and actually, (this is the hardest one for me) having a loving relationship with someone. It was overwhelming, but I’m going to do it again. This week, I’m going to dedicate time instead of doing a task list. I know the things that I can do to improve my situation, so I’m going to dedicate actual time to doing them: time to submit writing projects, time to organize things, time to plant seeds in my subconscious mind, and time to build with other humans.

I think this blog is moving in another direction now, but we’ll see what happens. I’ll keep you posted.


Day 100


From → How To Blossom

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