Again, so many different thoughts in my head. I’m going to write in the blog every day this week. I’ve been having a lot of insights lately. Insight and change are not the same thing, I know, and so, this week I’d like to focus on the step in between insight and change, action.
I’m sitting in someone else’s apartment right now, a nice apartment on a nice side of town that an associate has let me stay in while he is out of town. A wonderful change of pace, peace and quiet, and beautiful scenery. On my right is a list of about thirteen things that I would like to accomplish by the end of the week, most of them final steps concerning my professional, financial and romantic life.
The thought of completing the list frightens me, which is perhaps why the list has been lingering for so long.
Today is a new day, though, and in it there are endless possibilities. My heart feels so alive. I can physically feel it expanding, like when a new tooth comes in. We are not guaranteed for ever. My time on Earth could end any day. Every day is a blessing, and I am thankful to know this day, the day when my conscience is clear. The day when my mind is free enough to actually notice the roses. The day when I know that there are no impossibilities.
It’s like life has opened up. I’m going to do an experiment in action this week, and I’d like to let you know how it turns out. From what I have been learning and reading, once a clear and genuine intention has been set to live a certain way, and it is reinforced with consistent action, life changes. Things change. We change.
Today I realize that fear is just that: fear. Not life. Just a little part of it. It usually doesn’t kill you. Maybe it makes your heart beat a little faster or gives you a headache or a stomach ache for a while. Maybe you have to take a deeper breath. But then you expand. You expand. Your heart aches and then it’s open. It’s such a lovely thing, this life. Action and momentum are lovely things. Genuine smiles, unencumbered conversations, opportunities for expression, spiritual connectivity, nourishing food, sweet smells… These are all lovely things.
We get to have them. We get to share them. We get to have these brand new days where we can say sorry and thank you and I love you to anyone and it won’t kill us. we get to write lists, finish projects, apply for new opportunities, clean our houses, move around and grow. We get to release whatever burdens we have been carrying. We can start the process off on any given day. We are so lucky. This is the day that the Lord hath created. Let us rejoice…
Day 113
Life Is A Lovely Thing
So many different ideas running through my head, I’m not sure what this one is about. Life, death, sticking to the plan, and everything in-betweenis on my mind
Like Don L. Lee said, “life if u were a match i wd light u into something beautiful.” I am understanding my insignificance and my significance all at once today. We are worth something, after all, yet we are all so small. Ripples in a grand ocean…
Starting from a place of creativity today. Our gift is our will. If we don’t use it, someone else will use theirs to bend ours. It is ideal to find those with similar wills so that there is no bending, no fighting, no disharmony, but only people lifting each other up helping to accomplish that which we are trying to create. At the root of it all, I think we all want the same things: to be connected, to experience peace of mind, to feel valued and safe, to have our needs met, to live with integrity and alignment with our deepest truths. We all want the same things. It’s the belief part that gets in the way of our having.
Somebody told us at some point that we can’t have it. Blame it on the devil. And so we get upset. Bitter, mad, disappointed. Vengeful. Sad. We give up and start hating the people who dare believe in the thing that we used to want so bad. We start wars to try and make people believe things that we ourselves don’t really believe in. And oftentimes, we don’t even know why we are doing the things we are doing. The programs in our minds are so deep…
I am a pensive type of woman. I’ve always been that way. As a child, I used to hate that about myself, because it made me feel weird. My peers didn’t seem to really care about why things were the way they were and everyone was just running around doing whatever they were supposed to do, but I was sitting in my room with journals and asking questions about God that grown-ups didn’t know how to answer.
I know now that I am not the only one who was doing those things, and that gives me comfort. I am in fact not alone. The other day I was listening to some of the songs that I have listened to all my life, but this time, it dawned on me that someone wrote these songs. Someone sat in a room or a studio or a park or an office and poured their soul into a melody. Someone took out an instrument and breathed their life into it, or gave it their touch. And now we sit and we are comforted and inspired by their work, and we don’t realize how brave they are. We don’t know how many people said they were stupid. We don’t know if their parents disowned them because they didn’t live according to a certain path. We don’t how alone they might have felt at times and we don’t hear about the sacrifices that they made. I’m sure that someone told them they were delusional at some point or another and they had to find a place within where they believed that they could do whatever was in their heart to do, sometimes against all evidence to the contrary. We don’t realize how strong they had to be.
This one is for the heroes: the prophets and saints, the leaders, the artists of all walks, the owners, the ones that make a way for us all. The people who are not okay with just doing whatever and especially those with the wisdom to stick to their lofty dreams until they can see them manifest. I see you. I am inspired by you. I am grateful for your existence. I am becoming one of you…
If there were no one to save, then there would be no heroes. So here’s to the people who need to be saved as well. I have been you as well and because I have been you, I can talk to you. It is all beginning to make sense. And I have just a little word for you today. I don’t know what you’re going through. Maybe you are better off than me. It’s OK. You are reading this and so there is something in this for you. Take it. I’m offering it to you. I’m giving you a gift. Myself. I didn’t realize that I could actually be a gift. Nobody ever told me that I could be valuable, but today something whispered in my soul and it made sense. I am a gift. Not because I write a blog or because I do whatever for whoever. But because in being myself I am doing something good for someone else.
I don’t know what good it is, and I don’t even care. Maybe someone is learning something or getting mad. Maybe someone feels like they are not alone. Maybe someone is realizing that they have other things to do with their time. It doesn’t really matter if what I intended is not what you receive, because what I intend is to be myself and follow my heart, and in that decision, I allow God to take care of the rest. I know that living this way is good. I am good. We are good. I can’t say we are great and actually believe it yet, but you better believe that soon enough I will say it and mean it… We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the heroes…
Day 112
We Are The Ones
Just wrote a really long post about my recent escapade with the last man standing who has been a possible romantic option in my life. He’s gone now. Kaput. Door closed. That’s it.
Cried. Felt sorry for myself. Begged God. Then went on Face book and spied on a friend of mine who is a wonderful photographer. I remember when he was just a poor man wanting to be a photagrapher. Now he travels all around the world and gets paid very well to do what he loves. On his most recent trip, he posted all of these beautiful pictures. I am inspired. Just like that. Just because he exists. I’d like to be like him when I grow up, except I’m a her…
It’s about that time. Time to make a mighty mighty change. Oh, it’s been coming for some time, so it won’t be that big of a deal now. It’s just a matter of commitment. It’s just a matter of intention. It’s just a matter of simple action. It’s time to make a change, you know? Time goes by whether you change or stay the same.
Time goes by whether you open up or close up, whether you live your dream or not. Time is relentless. It keeps pushing, even in our indecisions. Even in our fears. It does not stand still and wait for you to get with the program.
Love is calling my name so strong. Life is beckoning me to get off my *ss and live already! Clean my freaking room! Open my big wide heart and share it! Love somebody! Show my face. Give and give and give and give and finally receive. It’s time to make a change, Lady. Change, already…
Day 111
Change Already
This latest part, Life on The Other Side of Happy, has been the rockiest. This journey has been a complete self experiment, and as I look back on who I was when I first sat down and just wrote- anything – so that I could stop crying every day, I see that I have come a long way. I’m no longer concerned with not crying every day. I mean, I don’t cry every day anymore. I get off the bed and even wake up early and do stuff with my life. I won a car and a bunch of money since starting this blog, for God’s sake, and I have met more wonderful people than I have ever known in my entire life. Although my brother and I don’t have the optimal relationship that I would envision, we are not enemies, and I am good with the rest of my family… So, the defensive, hurt part is over. Although little incidents occur from time to time as I am growing, they are not paralyzing. The focus of my life is no longer, how can I manage to get out of this pain, but I am shifting into the place where I have to figure what to do now since the pain no longer occupies so much of my brain space.
And I have to say that this creative, making a life from nothing, part has been tricky thus far, with sudden bursts of rapid progress followed by stagnation and the uncovering of yet deeper demons. I’m on for the ride, though, and I’m going to continue with this experiment until the end, until I can testify and say that it is possible. I’d like to do that. I realize that you can’t really teach people anything that you don’t know about. And so it would only make sense that if my destiny is to help people improve their lives and get out of pain and suffering and learn how to manifest their Divine purpose on Earth, then I have to be able to demonstrate that I know what I’m talking about, and in order to know what I’m talking about, I have to know a thing or two about pain and despair, and brokenness. I have to know about betrayal and jealousy and self-contempt and stagnation and poverty and all the sad things because the people I will be helping will probably being experiencing many of those things. I have a friend who has never been poor and he can’t even imagine what it feels like to go in a store and not be able to buy green juice. He doesn’t get it, but I do… And so in this moment I am thankful for all of the schooling that I have gotten throughout my life. I bestow upon myself a Ph.D in sadness, dissatisfaction, confusion, guilt, loneliness and poverty. If you are suffering from any of these symptoms in life, I can definitely relate to you and even advise you on methods to lesson their severity, but we will have to stop once the symptoms are relieved, because I am not yet qualified to speak on life on the other side of these conditions.
I am still in school and learning about how to move from one end of the spectrum to the other, but I am committed to getting my Master’s in transformation, happiness, Divine Peace, clarity, connectivity, freedom of spirit, love, abundance, prosperity, and Divine Guidance and Action. This is how I am choosing to see this part of the process. I am in school. The only difference here is that I am the teacher as well and I don’t have to sit in a classroom for four years. Once I’ve learned a particular lesson, I am free to get to work immediately and even get paid for it…
And so I have an assignment for myself today. Today, I am going to plant a vision in my mind: best case scenario. I’ve spent a lot of time contemplating the worst case scenarios in life, and I experienced them. It’s about time to think about what the good stuff looks like. What would be the best case scenario in my life and what would I have to do to make that happen? Even that thought makes my heart race a little. Can you imagine? We say we want all this stuff, but sometimes we can’t even bear to think of what it would be like to actually have it. So, in this moment, I’m going to indulge my heart and use my wonderful imagination to think of the best case scenario of my life. I’d like to share it with you, and I invite you to imagine your own, because every act of intentional creation must start with an intention.
Best Case Scenario
I polish my writing portfolio one more time, taking heed to all notes and all things I have learned recently. I complete this in a very short amount of time. In the meantime, an opportunity to collect a large sum of money presents itself and I capitalize on this and pay off the rest of my lease and bills until August so that I can have some peace of mind… after polishing my works one more time, I submit them again to the many contacts I have made and researched and I receive an immediate postive response which involves money and the immediate purchasing and publication of at least one book, one song, and one script! Oooh let me say that again. After I submit my works again, they are immediately received well and it results in a major purchase which shifts my financial trajectory for the rest of my life. I am looking forward to this! I manage to organize my house and get my body in tip top shape. I buy healthy food and cook it and friends and family come around and eat and we cook together and share and laugh. We love each other and there is mutual goodwill with all parties present. There is joy and fun in my heart and a clean conscience. I am at my best and life calls me to greater things quickly. I respond and among these greater things, there is a man. There is a wonderful man here. He loves me exactly as I am. He doesn’t try to make me smarter or dumber or less or more than I am. He adores me, “no-grow” hair and everything. And I love him exactly as he is. I feel something in my heart again. Passion, desire, joy. I have already felt these things, but I feel them even stronger with him. It is something I’ve never had, but I’m going to allow myself to have it right now, in my mind. Best case scenario: I am in Love with a good man. A strong, honest, genuine, powerful soul who lives his life with integrity and treats me with Love, kindness and compassion. He is in Love with me too and he is patient and gentle with me… Wow.
God, could this be real? You are not talking to me. Where are you? Oh. There you are. You say You are here in me. You say I am learning. In this practice, I am discovering the steps I need to take from this point forward. I am learning. I am learning, God. I am growing… Good job, You say… Good job.
Ameen.
Day 110
Best Case Scenario
Dear God,
Can I say today is a good day. Thank you already. The bad spell is gone. This new book I’m reading seems like it was written just for me. You say it was.
That is the power and the beauty of writing. That is the power and beauty of what we can do for each other. What we do for each other. I’m sitting at Starbucks. My favorite Starbucks in town because it’s so big and spacious and it’s nearby everything I love to do and I love the vibe and cool people always come thru here. I am defragmenting my script preparing for the next draft and later on, I’m going to go and read some more examples of well written scripts, do some yoga at my favorite park, and pray and meditate…
How did you do it God? How did you make the sadness go away so quickly? Never mind. I don’t even need to know.
Right next to me, there is a man sitting at the next table. A friend. He’s a writer too and we decided to help motivate each other. He has been lonely like me, too. And now we are not lonely now. Now we are sitting next to each other in a coffee shop helping each other do what we love to do. I have an actual human friend within my vicinity with similar interests and a similar life view, who I can actually see in person and spend time doing productive things with… You can’t tell me that miracles aren’t real. This is a miracle. This is a dream come true already.
And so, world, no crying today. God says, He didn’t do it. He says I did it. I mean, He has been trying to do it all along, but I wouldn’t let Him. He says to me, in my deeper, more intuitive thoughts, that it’s all up to me. He says that as I set a clear and true intention, from a place of sincerity, and as I engage in actions that are in alignment to that intention, I will see greater miracles happen, so I better just go ahead and get ready. The good stuff is now. Life is here and now. It’s all up to us…
Will you tell me again, God, that it’s OK to be happy?
-Yes, You say. It’s OK. Tell yourself. Tell yourself again and again until you believe it. And then tell yourself again. And then practice until you remember the truth. Practice until you remember the truth. It’s all up to you…
Thank you God. Ameen.
Day 109
It’s All Up To You
Every now and again I feel like Neo on the Matrix. Except I am a woman and this is real life.
Where do I start? It’s 6:05 pm and I’m sitting in my room at the desk by the window. Through the white translucent curtains I see a large tree and two apartment buildings behind it. If I reached my hand about six inches out of the window, I could touch the leaves of the tree. Birds chirp all day in that tree.
My room door is closed because I am babysitting my sister’s pet cat and I don’t want her to come in the room. She likes to jump on the bed and then try to rip the curtains down when she hears the birds chirping. My door would usually be open just because I like it open, but today it’s just me, the walls, the bed, the TV, the shelf, the closet and the computer, my portal to the outside world.
I had been feeling stuck and bored lately, contemplating what life is about again… The death of my Dream Lover dream left me feeling… lost. One day I thought I knew how everything was going to turn out and I was excited about that life and the next day I didn’t know anything. Sitting in my room looking out of the window while typing on my computer all day doesn’t really make me want to dance, and neither does going back to my 9 to 5 in the fall.
So this week, I didn’t cry like a baby or find some distraction to keep me from feeling the really deep sense of loss that was creeping up in me, I just stayed home and felt it. I realized that some people that I cared about were happy to see me sad, and that was a bit disheartening. It’s almost like there was saying, “That’s what you get. How dare you try and do something different. We told you life sucks. We told you that you better just get with the program and be like us…”
I had been doing so well for so long, you see? I was on the brink and my blog is even called “life on the other side of happy” now. I realized that I was slowly shifting back into a sad place and I didn’t want to go there anymore. Demons were laughing at me and I couldn’t find any examples, just one real person to tell me that this life I have imagined is could be real. I just wanted one person to tell me that they had been to the mountaintop. One person to tell me that life on the other side of happy was a real place, not just something in theory to be talked about. I felt so alone on my journey…
I have become wise enough to know that my personal experience of the world does not represent the world as a whole, but is merely a reflection of my beliefs about the world, and so I reached out. I decided to do something beyond my previous experience because I’m just not going out like that. Being depressed for long periods of time, settling for less than who I am, or living a life where I at least don’t work towards fulfilling my life’s destiny is no longer an option for me.
I reached out and yesterday I met a woman who had made it to the other side of happy. She was wiser than me and after about an hour of dialogue she was able to look at me and tell me the truth about who I am. She was so on time. She knew about the deep feeling of “aloneness” that I had been living with for so long, and she helped me to understand why I have been so willing to latch on to any man that would sell me a sweet dream and just make me feel connected in the slightest way. She told me about the secrets that I never tell anyone. You know, this deep-seated belief that I am supposed to help change the world in some way. It sounds so juvenile as I type it, but I still believe it… At the end of our meeting, she told me something so wonderful. She told me that I was not alone. That I just had to find my people. She told me that she had met and known and knows people like me and she broke my heart open with hope. I mean, I know that there has to be a world outside of my little world with all kinds of people, but I needed someone to tell me that this thing I have been imagining, these people I have been imagining, are real… We ended the meeting by her recommending a book for me to read and telling me she was going to connect me with some other people who are on a similar path as me… I am encouraged.
It’s time. It’s actually past time for us to stop killing ourselves. It’s past time for us to just be walking around the Earth like wind-up toys playing out programs that have been planted in us since before we can remember. Oh my God, we were meant to live for so much more. We deserve so much more. I am not afraid any more. It is OK with me if I am to be a leader, God. It OK with me if people won’t like me. It is even OK if I’m alone for a little bit. This will not do. This playing small just will not do anymore. These horrible relationships will not do anymore. I am on a sacred journey with a holy destination and I am taking you with me if you will come, and I will walk with you only if you are on a similar path.
There is work to be done. I don’t care if I am the only one any more. I don’t care if I have to start all over and say I was wrong. I don’t care if people talk about me or they won’t hire me at their stupid jobs because I wrote a blog that told the truth of what they experience every day. I don’t care if men think I’m too smart or too good or too whatever. I finally realize that the only way to take the journey is take the journey. It’s all good… Where my people at?
Day 108
Find Your People
I have my eyes closed as I’m typing this. It’s been a really challenging day. A really challenging week.
I did a lot. Today I did a table read for one of my scripts. It’s where people sit around a table and I assign them characters in the script and we all read it out loud. The people who were at the table read were all professional writers, most of whom have sold at least one movie and/or are employed in the entertainment industry right now. After we read the script out loud, everyone gives notes. They ripped my script apart. I mean, they were just talking about me like I wasn’t even there…
One thing I noticed, though. We usually spend about 15 to 20 minutes talking about a script, but they literally spent an hour discussing mine. Everyone had extreme opinions: either they really really loved it and thought it could be a “powerful and epic movie” or they just really didn’t like it at all. I think it’s a good thing when folks really have a strong opinion about your work. It means you are at least touching something in them… But man, they hurt my feelings. I have a way to go before I can express what is in my head on paper in a way that my message is clear to anyone who reads it…. Like, I’m not as good as I want to be yet and I’m actually going to have to learn new things, do research and use parts of my brain that have been atrophied for years to get to the place I know I’m going to be. I think this particular script could be a powerful and epic movie as well, and thanks to my writers group I know the elements that need strengthening. Now the daunting part is figuring out how to improve the things that I know aren’t working.
Can I tell you for a moment what I did this week? I went on a fifteen hour bus ride to a deserted town to meet up with Dream Lover. And then I took a fifteen hour bus ride back home. I learned what the term “oxy cotton” means, because that is how folks described this town. When I got back in LA, I found out that my sis had violated a living agreement that we had. Sometime in the midst of my bus ride I almost fainted because I was so anxious about what would/wouldn’t happen between me and Dream Lover. My head was buzzing and I felt like throwing up. I literally had to sit there and count my breaths and drink some water to keep from passing out…
I came back to LA feeling disillusioned and disappointed. Some of my “friends” showed that they were happy about the idea of me not having the love of my dreams. After all, they thought it was too good to be true. Surprisingly, I wasn’t interested in laying on the bed or sleeping. I wasn’t even interested in making myself busy, although I did go and hang out with a few people. I wasn’t interested in yelling at my sister or being fake with the hater friends or crying or not crying. It’s just like everything stopped. I realized that I had been creating my life around the prospect of being with Dream Lover for some time, whether consciously or unconsciously. I always thought that one day he would come. He would be perfect. I even kept a really nice bar of soap in the closet for him. I thought that we would leave this town and travel together and build and create stuff all around the world together and I wouldn’t have to worry about Love or sex or anything of that anymore because I would finally have my man. I even imagined what song we would dance to on our wedding date and what our kids might look like…. I had this whole fantasy that was based upon us having a life together and all of a sudden, that fantasy was gone.
I didn’t curse God. I lashed out at some of my stupid hater “friends” for wishing me bad, but I didn’t really even care about them either… I just felt so empty. Like, what am I going to do now? I asked God for help and answers, but I wasn’t hearing anything. And it seemed like my most negative, pessimistic, horribly unhappy “friends” kept calling me to tell me “yep. I told you life and people suck”… I stopped answering their phone calls, and I’ve been in a bit of a daze this week. I stopped feeling sorry for myself. Not on purpose, but just because I really didn’t have the energy.
I sat down and prayed even though I couldn’t feel any connection at first…. And it started yesterday. I woke up after having so many magnificent dreams. In one of them I was a bear running free and I actually woke up singing a song about freedom (which I promptly penned). Then today I went to my writer’s meeting. They bashed my script and encouraged me at the same time. I came home and received two messages from females essentially wanting to be friends. One of my hater friends texted me to ask me about Dream Lover and he was so rude. I finally just told him to stop it already and he did.
And then, as I was sitting on my bed, I could feel it. I wish I could explain this feeling to you. Let me try. You see, I was so heartbroken about Dream Lover that I couldn’t see or feel anything good. But for just a few moments this evening, I saw everything and everything was good. I did not see the ending. I did not see how things would turn out. I didn’t really have any answers but I felt connected to something so sweet, something so safe. I felt safe, like no matter what happens, I’m not going to break. I felt and I still feel that I don’t have to be sad. Something in my mind has changed and despair just isn’t an option anymore. Life is the only option. Do you get it? It’s either life or life or death and it really doesn’t matter what happens on the outside. New friends don’t seem so daunting anymore… Well… Okay a little bit but I’m still going to go with it.
I realize that I have been afraid of girl friends because I thought that once they get to know me, they will see all of my issues and they won’t want to be my friend anymore, but after sitting on this Greyhound bus to nowhere land and listening to all the issues all those folks have and seeing how they still have friends, I figure I really can’t be that bad. And this is why they say bless the darkness. Because in the darkest nights we are given the opportunity to use other faculties to see, rather than our limited vision. We learn to trust and exercise faith in our hardest moments. We listen more keenly. We can smell what is good and bad and we know when not to answer the phone.
God, you have taken me so many places and today I bless it all. I bless it all and call it good. Ameen.
Day 107
Bless The Darkness
It’s been a little over a week since my last writing. I’ve been really busy working, trying to meet deadlines and spending time with human beings, finding out that human beings can be really nice.
Life has been good. Life is still good. I’m home alone this morning. It’s a really pretty day and my apartment is relatively clean. I met so many wonderful people this past week. I worked an event with some ladies around my age and they were so sweet. I got to meet some famous people and made some more connections, and I built stronger bonds with some people I had already known. Everything is actually very good. I even met a new guy. I am really amazed at the caliber of men I am meeting these days. They are all so alive. I guess I, too, am alive now because they actually like me.
My brother texted me this morning offering me stuff. The one who said I was the devil… He doesn’t really think I’m the devil. Well, maybe sometimes he does, but that’s ok. He may never ever say sorry for anything he has ever done, and that’s ok, too. It’s not OK, per se, but it’s ok, you know? He can be himself. I just have to decide whether or not I want to relate to him and in what capacity.
I think that’s what I’m learning now, not just in theory, but in actuality. There is only so much you can control in life. You can control what you do or don’t do in a day, but other than that, the rest just isn’t up to you. You have no idea who you are going to run into at a supermarket or how the weather may change, but you can choose to commit to seeing the truth in spite of it all…
God, I am so peaceful today. I don’t have anything to complain about. I mean, I can make something up or find something that’s wrong or try to be mad at something that I’m supposed to be mad at, but I really just feel happy. So I guess that’s it. I’m going to let myself feel happy even though I have no good reason to do so. There is a clean space in my mind and heart where I can’t find any pain, and Lord, I am so, so, so very grateful for that. Thank You. I don’t know a lot of things. I don’t know which one of these fabulous men I’m going to marry, if any. I don’t know when my game show check and car is coming, I don’t know when I’m going to actually receive some money for some of these writing deals I’ve been talking about. I don’t even know which part of the world I am going to be in in the next few months… Can I live this way, without knowing what the future holds? You say I have been living this way all my life and just thinking I was in control of things.
Life has been so good in these past couple of months. I don’t think I can even remember I time in my life when I haven’t been worried about one thing or the other. God, I want to help people so that they can know this place. The place where your head doesn’t hurt all the time and your heart doesn’t hurt all the time. Oh man, the place where you can share an authentic smile! It’s lovely.
When I was broke, busted and disgusted and always hustling trying to find a job and make money and worried about rent all the time and involved in some kind of drama with whatever man, and so insecure that I was afraid to even finish any of my writing projects and lonely and feeling pretty darn pitiful, I remember I would hear people say just trust God and everything was going to be all right, and I would think, “What does that mean? I have to pay bills and eat!” Now I know what it means… I still have to pay bills and eat but my head doesn’t hurt because I have come to trust that my bills will be paid and there is no way I could be homeless or hungry. So, I still do what I need to do to take care of my basic needs, but since I don’t spend so much time worrying about controlling everything, I have space in my brain and insight to do other things, like think about life after basic needs are met and work towards creating things.
It’s a good life. I don’t have any profound magic words today, but I want you to know, it’s a good life. Your life is a good life. Yes, you can have a good life. It’s OK. It’s possible for even you. We were not created so that we could suffer and cry every day. We were not created so that we would only be alone. No! It’s an illusion. It’s not what life is about, unless that’s what you want it to be about. I want you to know that there are good people in the world! I have met them and shaken their hands. They exist! I’m sure I have met them at other times in my life, but I was too caught up in the muck to realize it.
Whatever you are going through, don’t worry. Please, save your energy for the good stuff. Life is a good life. Our world is a good world. Take it one day at a time. Be encouraged. Be happy…
Day 106
Don’t Worry, Be Happy
I’m feeling anxious. Had a hard time breathing today. On Saturday, the new writer’s group that I joined will be reading and giving me notes on one of my scripts. The people in the group are mostly professional, accomplished writers and it’s the first time anyone professional is going to give me notes on this particular script…
I haven’t looked at the script in a little while and I went over the whole thing today. It’s actually better than I thought it was, but not as good as I want it to be. I can see where it could use improvement and I know what needs to be done, but I’m not quite at the point where I can do what needs to be done effectively. I know that as I practice more I will get better, and I can at least say that it’s good enough where I don’t think they will dog me out completely, but it’s not as good as I want it to be…
So I’m procrastinating right now before I go back over the script one last time and try to implement the notes that I made to myself earlier today.
In case I hadn’t mentioned it before, I don’t have a job job right now. What I mean is that I work a job job half of the year, and I’m off the other half of the year, which is when I focus on my writing and creative stuff. This is my second year working like this and it has been going good. I’m not rich, but I can pay my bills and have a little extra and most importantly, it allows me to make significant progress with my writing and creative pursuits. Last year I spent this time developing my writing portfolio and so this year I am now focusing on shopping, exposing and revealing my work…
I say that to say, it’s been a while since I’ve applied for jobs, but in the past two days, literally four people contacted me offering me work. Two had seen my resume somewhere and they were “job job” offers, and the others were referals asking about my writing.
Then, to top it off, as you know, Dream Lover is in my state now. He was in another city 8 hours away from me the last time we talked, but he has a car and he said he will be here “soon” of course. I haven’t seen him yet and we’ll see if he can actually manage to be brave enough to see me face to face. I think he will, but to be honest, I’m not particularly excited about him right now. I think the only reason he has stuck around in my heart with a constant option to return is because he talked so good and I couldn’t have painted a picture of my dream lover better than the words he has given me. I have been holding on to the hope and possibility that his words could be real. He said he was going to cook everyday and I love to eat good food! LOL! But I am realizing that his words are only words and I don’t know if I am strong enough or faithful enough to sit around and hold out for him while he neglects me and goes through whatever he is going through, hoping that one day he will be the man that I know he is… In the meantime, Mr. Almost Famous, who is possibly the sweetest thing I’ve ever known, called me yesterday. I suspect he’s broken up with his girlfriend. And to top it off, the last guy I was dating (we’ll call him Youngy), who I got along marvelously with and who is such a gentle, smart and quietly strong and considerate soul, contacted me today saying all kinds of sweetness.
I don’t know what to do anymore. So many choices. Even my “to-do list” is almost complete and will literally be all checked off in the next couple of days. My friend brought to mind that I really haven’t made choices in a long time, but have rather been in a reactionary, desperate state of survival. But I’m not worried about survival anymore. I’m not worried about being alone or poor. I am keenly aware now that the little choices that I am making really are life changing.
So Lord, what do I do? Who do I pick? Do I take one of these job offers or keep focusing on the writing projects I have been working on until they are published and produced or start new things? How do I know what to do? Really? Where is the book of instructions? I am trying, but I can’t hear your voice today. Everything is blank… Hello?
You are not talking to me today? What am I going to do if you won’t talk to me? I don’t get it. God, I know the best way to learn how to make a choice is to make a choice, but I don’t have time to explore three different relationships and four different jobs anymore. I’ve already done all of that exploring. Now I just want to walk on the straight path.
-You already know what to do…
Oh my God! Please help me!… OK. Fine. You won’t help me. You are telling me to help myself and stop feeling sorry for myself. You are telling me that it is demonstration time and that I have to command my life. After all, I said I was queen, didn’t I? A queen does not go begging and beseeching. A queen commands her own life and declares a thing to be, recognizing that she is not the Source, but she has the power…
-Do not ask Me to help you with this that and the other. Ask to know me and you will be able to help yourself. You will stand in a place of power. It’s a good word when you know how to use it. Don’t you see?…
Yes, I do. Thank you God.
Ameen.
Day 105
Help Yourself
hownottocryeveryday 