Taking a deep breath… Rushed home tonight so I could post before midnight. Long day. Helped folks with stuff, paid bills, nursed some sick folk, talked on phone… Didn’t get any of my own work done.
I think that’s part of what makes people depressed. When you can’t see the progress you’ve made in a day or feel some kind of connection in a day, life begins to have a hum drum tone. Was not pleased with the upkeep of my apartment when I went home today, particularly my room…. Don’t like drama anymore. “Gotta find peace of mind”, like Lauryn Hill said.
Digging deeper. Dis-attaching from old life. Missing my last dream of a love come true. Missing surety… Missing a clean apartment with comfy decorations. Life at my apartment has become such a monument to confusion and lack.
Coming back to the middle. Thirty minutes before the clock strikes midnight. Tired of digging deep. Just want to cry. It’s the truth. Don’t want to do it on my own anymore. Don’t want to be the strongest one I know. Don’t want to be the giver all the time. When is it my turn, God? When is it my turn to be Loved? What do I have to do?…
No answers. Maybe God doesn’t like cry baby’s. I don’t know. I’m tired, though, God. Please. I’m tired of this constant striving. I just want to be there already. I just want to actually get a check for one of my works already. I just want to be in love with someone that I like and we be good to each other already. I just want to live in a healthy and happy living environment already. What’s holding me back? What do I have to do?
I have been trying so hard, Lord, and I’m thankful because I know I’ve come a long way from crying every day. I’ve come a long way from having fantasy relationships with people who really don’t know about love. I have travelled far from the place of just having a dream to taking action towards manifesting it. I no longer trust people who are clearly untrustworthy and I have even found some people that I like in the world, but I’m still not there, God. It’s as if as soon as I make these big strides forward, here comes another thing to push me back. I get a big check and my sis goes flat broke into the negative. I clean my house out and then the dirtiest roommate in the world moves in. I meet a wonderful man and find out he’s mourning from a relationship he just ended the day before he met me… I get a meeting with the perfect person to buy one of my works and then they go through a tragedy right before writing my check. I have a spiritual realization and someone I Love calls me the devil. Seriously? What’s really going on?
I’m supposed to be telling people about life on the other side of happy, but I’ve only experienced brief moments of it. How can I teach a thing that I don’t know. -You can’t… So what should I do now? -Don’t teach. Just keep doing what you’re doing. Some earthquakes take years to form but just because you do not see the world shake immediately doesn’t mean that nothing is happening. This is where the faith part comes in. Look at this way. You have no choice. You can’t even cry every day any more if you wanted to and as much as you would just like to settle for the status quo, those brief experiences of life on the other side of happy were too strong for you to ever be satisfied with anything else. So you have to move forward. You don’t have to run into your new life or fly into it. It’s OK. You can have bad days. You can have doubts. You can even complain from time to time and ask someone to hold you. Just keep doing what you’re doing. You are on the other side already, you just don’t see it, but soon enough, very soon, you will. Why should you believe Me? Well, you don’t have to believe anything at all. You can go on doubting the truth, even though deep down you know that I am a good God. It is easier if you give up the need to understand everything before you act on what you know…
So, cry a little more if you need to. Curse whoever. Feel sorry for yourself if that makes you feel better. And when you are done, get up, wipe your face, drink some water, and let’s back to business…
Day 117
Keep Doing What You’re Doing
I have a friend that I call Sunshine. I haven’t talked to him in over a year and a half. He called me this morning and at the end of the conversation he said “Have a good day”. I didn’t see him smile, but I could feel it on the other end of the line and I felt blessed… My companions are the pure of heart.
I’m used to talking about sad stuff, so two really amazing days in a row is new to me, but I have to admit, I’m loving this. This simple act of visiting another side of town and staying in an apartment by myself for a little bit has proven to be exactly what I needed. This environment of peace and wealth and happiness is contagious.
These past couple of days, I have been able to reset, if you will. I have been able to sit down and pray and meditate as long as I like, talk to who I want, go where I want and do exactly what I want with my day and I count that as a wonderful blessing, because I am figuring out how I would like to walk on the Earth from this point forward, and God is just sending angels upon angels upon blessings upon blessings.
I’m tuning in to you again, God, remembering why I started tihs blog and why I do anything at all. I am learning to trust you and I don’t always have to know the “why” now, as long as I know the “what” to do. I’m sure the answers to the “why” will come in time.
Yesterday, I read a wonderful chapter in the new book I’m reading, and I’d like to share some of the excerpts with you. “Simply by being who you are, where you are, in this moment in time, and by sharing your truth and your own process honestly, you help the others with whom you share your journey.” In the same chapter I also read, “There is no point in deluding yourself into believing that you are not ready. For, it is far too late to wonder if it is safe to put your toe in the waters of transformation when you are already far from the shore.”
I’m pretty sure that the only reason we all walk this Earth together is because we need each other. This is a new revelation for me. We actually need each other. Me too. I need folks and folks need me. It’s true…
Today I’m going to present one of the songs I wrote to the singer that I wrote it for. I wrote this song years ago, when I was depressed, and in my mind I heard the voice of this lady who is a prominent singer singing it. I tried to find ways to get the song to her years ago, but no luck. A couple weeks ago, I talked to a friend of mine who makes jewelry for celebrities and asked him if he knows her. He said he makes jewelry for this particular singer and his wife is the singer’s good friend. So, now I have a meeting with her, and God, if it is your will, I’d like her to put my song on her new album and get paid a bunch of money for it.
You say it is Your will for me to be successful. Am I ready? Yes I am God. I would like to be. The thought of true and actual success and the manifestation of all my dreams coming true still scares me. You know. I have been putting in a lot of work, though, spending a lot of time cleaning up my mind and my heart and praying and talking to You, so at least I feel like I have put in the work to where I deserve some goodness now.
You would like me to know that I deserve goodness period. Because I exist. This is not how I was taught, but you are telling me that this is the truth.
-You have already learned about how to live in integrity with yourself. Imagine your best case scenario, even if you can’t accept that you can have it. Then take actions that move you in that direction. Soon enough, you will find yourself changed and able to accept that you are not evil or cursed or damned. You are blessed beyond your fondest dreams.
-So today, with this life on the other side of happy that you are creating, I’d like you to play pretend. If you are a prolific writer (amongst other things) with a wonderful family and friends who helps people get in touch with who they are and develops and assists with developing structures that support lifestyles that promote human beings’ highest good, what do you do with your day?
-I have granted you a space, some time, good food, sunshine and Sunshine and even some money so that you may prepare yourself for the life that is calling you. Don’t you see? I am on your side. Get ready now. Get ready.
Day 115
Get Ready (Again)
Sitting here until I feel connected to the truth. Small uprisings, the energy of others, a big check and a lot of small bills, the difference between love and like, the awareness of low and high energy, the realization of the profound effect that we all have on each other, croissants, unfinished lists, the beach, and everything that has led me to this moment are all on my mind.
In the midst of it all, God, all of this clutter, I ask you please for a space of cleanliness, where I can see the truth. Yes, you say. You will give it to me. Thank you. You say that I am not crazy for choosing the path of most resistance. In fact, I am brave and faithful. Thank you God. I needed to hear that. You say that I am learning to hear Your voice and that as long as I continue to seek it, I will find Your guidance everywhere. You say that one day, very soon, even now if I had the faith to believe it, my life will be a reflection of Your voice.
You tell me to look around. I don’t need to go outside. Just look in my heart and in my mind and there I will find the medicine that transforms. You say that I am already changed, now I just need to act like it. I already have all that I am seeking. Now I just need to show my face. Is it really that easy, God? I know the answer already. It is. Then why don’t we all live this way? Because we don’t believe. We believe in our own power more than the power of the One who created the wind, not even realizing that the source of our power is a greater source that works for us effortlessly. But why have we bought in to this illusion? Because we like to feel like we are in control… You are right… I am done with trying to be in control, or at least I am willing to be done.
It took me all these years to come back to you, God. You say it’s OK, because even though I left you, you never left me. You have always been here waiting for me to see You again, waiting for me to see myself again. This is what Love is? Yes, You say. A part of it. Do humans do this? Yes, You say. Some of them. You say that I am not the only one capable of Loving in this way. There are others. I have known them. C. My mom… You say that the aliveness that I am feeling in my heart right now is just the beginning of the Love that I am yet to experience and I am overwhelmed by this thought. God I’m going to help so many people get out of the dark place that I was in. You know I am…
I am Loving this dialogue that we are having, God.
-Ask me anything.
What am I to do today as I walk on this Earth? I know the big things, my calling, if you will. It’s the little things that trip me up sometimes, like who to go around. Whether or not to come close to a particular friend or shut them out or even how much exercise to do in a day and whether to change my physical location or just make my place now a really comfy home. What to do about making more money quickly so I don’t have this burden of debt and bills and buying my mom a house in the back of my mind.. Do you understand? Whether to try and draw close to my brother again or just let him be. How to select a good mate. I’m embarrassed that this is the first time I’m actually asking you how to select a good mate…
You say that as I am growing, I will learn that I have known the answers to all of these questions all along, intuitively. I just haven’t listened. I have been afraid. Sometimes the answers don’t make sense in the context of the current social structure that I live in. Now that I have come to you clearly, now that I have decided to cultivate an awareness of the voice of truth within me, I will be able to recognize that voice more easily. And so you say to go back and ask myself all those questions again, this time tuning in to the truth. This time with the knowledge that the answers are all there and You will not forsake me.
-This time, when you have clarity, act on it. I know you are afraid of this massive change that you are so wonderfully participating in. Do not be afraid, and even if you are, walk anyway. Trust that I am with you. This is where you must strengthen yourself and you do so just like exercise. A little at a time. Take a small step to trust in something that you feel intuitively and act on that trust. Soon you will find that your intuition is My voice and it is always accurate. Tune in and find Me. Know that your companions are the pure of heart and seek them out. Be encouraged my Dear, Dear one and take heart. You are catching up. You are tuning in and your life is already good…
I am grateful for this day, God. Thank you so much… Ameen.
Day 114
Tune In
Again, so many different thoughts in my head. I’m going to write in the blog every day this week. I’ve been having a lot of insights lately. Insight and change are not the same thing, I know, and so, this week I’d like to focus on the step in between insight and change, action.
I’m sitting in someone else’s apartment right now, a nice apartment on a nice side of town that an associate has let me stay in while he is out of town. A wonderful change of pace, peace and quiet, and beautiful scenery. On my right is a list of about thirteen things that I would like to accomplish by the end of the week, most of them final steps concerning my professional, financial and romantic life.
The thought of completing the list frightens me, which is perhaps why the list has been lingering for so long.
Today is a new day, though, and in it there are endless possibilities. My heart feels so alive. I can physically feel it expanding, like when a new tooth comes in. We are not guaranteed for ever. My time on Earth could end any day. Every day is a blessing, and I am thankful to know this day, the day when my conscience is clear. The day when my mind is free enough to actually notice the roses. The day when I know that there are no impossibilities.
It’s like life has opened up. I’m going to do an experiment in action this week, and I’d like to let you know how it turns out. From what I have been learning and reading, once a clear and genuine intention has been set to live a certain way, and it is reinforced with consistent action, life changes. Things change. We change.
Today I realize that fear is just that: fear. Not life. Just a little part of it. It usually doesn’t kill you. Maybe it makes your heart beat a little faster or gives you a headache or a stomach ache for a while. Maybe you have to take a deeper breath. But then you expand. You expand. Your heart aches and then it’s open. It’s such a lovely thing, this life. Action and momentum are lovely things. Genuine smiles, unencumbered conversations, opportunities for expression, spiritual connectivity, nourishing food, sweet smells… These are all lovely things.
We get to have them. We get to share them. We get to have these brand new days where we can say sorry and thank you and I love you to anyone and it won’t kill us. we get to write lists, finish projects, apply for new opportunities, clean our houses, move around and grow. We get to release whatever burdens we have been carrying. We can start the process off on any given day. We are so lucky. This is the day that the Lord hath created. Let us rejoice…
Day 113
Life Is A Lovely Thing
So many different ideas running through my head, I’m not sure what this one is about. Life, death, sticking to the plan, and everything in-betweenis on my mind
Like Don L. Lee said, “life if u were a match i wd light u into something beautiful.” I am understanding my insignificance and my significance all at once today. We are worth something, after all, yet we are all so small. Ripples in a grand ocean…
Starting from a place of creativity today. Our gift is our will. If we don’t use it, someone else will use theirs to bend ours. It is ideal to find those with similar wills so that there is no bending, no fighting, no disharmony, but only people lifting each other up helping to accomplish that which we are trying to create. At the root of it all, I think we all want the same things: to be connected, to experience peace of mind, to feel valued and safe, to have our needs met, to live with integrity and alignment with our deepest truths. We all want the same things. It’s the belief part that gets in the way of our having.
Somebody told us at some point that we can’t have it. Blame it on the devil. And so we get upset. Bitter, mad, disappointed. Vengeful. Sad. We give up and start hating the people who dare believe in the thing that we used to want so bad. We start wars to try and make people believe things that we ourselves don’t really believe in. And oftentimes, we don’t even know why we are doing the things we are doing. The programs in our minds are so deep…
I am a pensive type of woman. I’ve always been that way. As a child, I used to hate that about myself, because it made me feel weird. My peers didn’t seem to really care about why things were the way they were and everyone was just running around doing whatever they were supposed to do, but I was sitting in my room with journals and asking questions about God that grown-ups didn’t know how to answer.
I know now that I am not the only one who was doing those things, and that gives me comfort. I am in fact not alone. The other day I was listening to some of the songs that I have listened to all my life, but this time, it dawned on me that someone wrote these songs. Someone sat in a room or a studio or a park or an office and poured their soul into a melody. Someone took out an instrument and breathed their life into it, or gave it their touch. And now we sit and we are comforted and inspired by their work, and we don’t realize how brave they are. We don’t know how many people said they were stupid. We don’t know if their parents disowned them because they didn’t live according to a certain path. We don’t how alone they might have felt at times and we don’t hear about the sacrifices that they made. I’m sure that someone told them they were delusional at some point or another and they had to find a place within where they believed that they could do whatever was in their heart to do, sometimes against all evidence to the contrary. We don’t realize how strong they had to be.
This one is for the heroes: the prophets and saints, the leaders, the artists of all walks, the owners, the ones that make a way for us all. The people who are not okay with just doing whatever and especially those with the wisdom to stick to their lofty dreams until they can see them manifest. I see you. I am inspired by you. I am grateful for your existence. I am becoming one of you…
If there were no one to save, then there would be no heroes. So here’s to the people who need to be saved as well. I have been you as well and because I have been you, I can talk to you. It is all beginning to make sense. And I have just a little word for you today. I don’t know what you’re going through. Maybe you are better off than me. It’s OK. You are reading this and so there is something in this for you. Take it. I’m offering it to you. I’m giving you a gift. Myself. I didn’t realize that I could actually be a gift. Nobody ever told me that I could be valuable, but today something whispered in my soul and it made sense. I am a gift. Not because I write a blog or because I do whatever for whoever. But because in being myself I am doing something good for someone else.
I don’t know what good it is, and I don’t even care. Maybe someone is learning something or getting mad. Maybe someone feels like they are not alone. Maybe someone is realizing that they have other things to do with their time. It doesn’t really matter if what I intended is not what you receive, because what I intend is to be myself and follow my heart, and in that decision, I allow God to take care of the rest. I know that living this way is good. I am good. We are good. I can’t say we are great and actually believe it yet, but you better believe that soon enough I will say it and mean it… We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the heroes…
Day 112
We Are The Ones
Just wrote a really long post about my recent escapade with the last man standing who has been a possible romantic option in my life. He’s gone now. Kaput. Door closed. That’s it.
Cried. Felt sorry for myself. Begged God. Then went on Face book and spied on a friend of mine who is a wonderful photographer. I remember when he was just a poor man wanting to be a photagrapher. Now he travels all around the world and gets paid very well to do what he loves. On his most recent trip, he posted all of these beautiful pictures. I am inspired. Just like that. Just because he exists. I’d like to be like him when I grow up, except I’m a her…
It’s about that time. Time to make a mighty mighty change. Oh, it’s been coming for some time, so it won’t be that big of a deal now. It’s just a matter of commitment. It’s just a matter of intention. It’s just a matter of simple action. It’s time to make a change, you know? Time goes by whether you change or stay the same.
Time goes by whether you open up or close up, whether you live your dream or not. Time is relentless. It keeps pushing, even in our indecisions. Even in our fears. It does not stand still and wait for you to get with the program.
Love is calling my name so strong. Life is beckoning me to get off my *ss and live already! Clean my freaking room! Open my big wide heart and share it! Love somebody! Show my face. Give and give and give and give and finally receive. It’s time to make a change, Lady. Change, already…
Day 111
Change Already
This latest part, Life on The Other Side of Happy, has been the rockiest. This journey has been a complete self experiment, and as I look back on who I was when I first sat down and just wrote- anything – so that I could stop crying every day, I see that I have come a long way. I’m no longer concerned with not crying every day. I mean, I don’t cry every day anymore. I get off the bed and even wake up early and do stuff with my life. I won a car and a bunch of money since starting this blog, for God’s sake, and I have met more wonderful people than I have ever known in my entire life. Although my brother and I don’t have the optimal relationship that I would envision, we are not enemies, and I am good with the rest of my family… So, the defensive, hurt part is over. Although little incidents occur from time to time as I am growing, they are not paralyzing. The focus of my life is no longer, how can I manage to get out of this pain, but I am shifting into the place where I have to figure what to do now since the pain no longer occupies so much of my brain space.
And I have to say that this creative, making a life from nothing, part has been tricky thus far, with sudden bursts of rapid progress followed by stagnation and the uncovering of yet deeper demons. I’m on for the ride, though, and I’m going to continue with this experiment until the end, until I can testify and say that it is possible. I’d like to do that. I realize that you can’t really teach people anything that you don’t know about. And so it would only make sense that if my destiny is to help people improve their lives and get out of pain and suffering and learn how to manifest their Divine purpose on Earth, then I have to be able to demonstrate that I know what I’m talking about, and in order to know what I’m talking about, I have to know a thing or two about pain and despair, and brokenness. I have to know about betrayal and jealousy and self-contempt and stagnation and poverty and all the sad things because the people I will be helping will probably being experiencing many of those things. I have a friend who has never been poor and he can’t even imagine what it feels like to go in a store and not be able to buy green juice. He doesn’t get it, but I do… And so in this moment I am thankful for all of the schooling that I have gotten throughout my life. I bestow upon myself a Ph.D in sadness, dissatisfaction, confusion, guilt, loneliness and poverty. If you are suffering from any of these symptoms in life, I can definitely relate to you and even advise you on methods to lesson their severity, but we will have to stop once the symptoms are relieved, because I am not yet qualified to speak on life on the other side of these conditions.
I am still in school and learning about how to move from one end of the spectrum to the other, but I am committed to getting my Master’s in transformation, happiness, Divine Peace, clarity, connectivity, freedom of spirit, love, abundance, prosperity, and Divine Guidance and Action. This is how I am choosing to see this part of the process. I am in school. The only difference here is that I am the teacher as well and I don’t have to sit in a classroom for four years. Once I’ve learned a particular lesson, I am free to get to work immediately and even get paid for it…
And so I have an assignment for myself today. Today, I am going to plant a vision in my mind: best case scenario. I’ve spent a lot of time contemplating the worst case scenarios in life, and I experienced them. It’s about time to think about what the good stuff looks like. What would be the best case scenario in my life and what would I have to do to make that happen? Even that thought makes my heart race a little. Can you imagine? We say we want all this stuff, but sometimes we can’t even bear to think of what it would be like to actually have it. So, in this moment, I’m going to indulge my heart and use my wonderful imagination to think of the best case scenario of my life. I’d like to share it with you, and I invite you to imagine your own, because every act of intentional creation must start with an intention.
Best Case Scenario
I polish my writing portfolio one more time, taking heed to all notes and all things I have learned recently. I complete this in a very short amount of time. In the meantime, an opportunity to collect a large sum of money presents itself and I capitalize on this and pay off the rest of my lease and bills until August so that I can have some peace of mind… after polishing my works one more time, I submit them again to the many contacts I have made and researched and I receive an immediate postive response which involves money and the immediate purchasing and publication of at least one book, one song, and one script! Oooh let me say that again. After I submit my works again, they are immediately received well and it results in a major purchase which shifts my financial trajectory for the rest of my life. I am looking forward to this! I manage to organize my house and get my body in tip top shape. I buy healthy food and cook it and friends and family come around and eat and we cook together and share and laugh. We love each other and there is mutual goodwill with all parties present. There is joy and fun in my heart and a clean conscience. I am at my best and life calls me to greater things quickly. I respond and among these greater things, there is a man. There is a wonderful man here. He loves me exactly as I am. He doesn’t try to make me smarter or dumber or less or more than I am. He adores me, “no-grow” hair and everything. And I love him exactly as he is. I feel something in my heart again. Passion, desire, joy. I have already felt these things, but I feel them even stronger with him. It is something I’ve never had, but I’m going to allow myself to have it right now, in my mind. Best case scenario: I am in Love with a good man. A strong, honest, genuine, powerful soul who lives his life with integrity and treats me with Love, kindness and compassion. He is in Love with me too and he is patient and gentle with me… Wow.
God, could this be real? You are not talking to me. Where are you? Oh. There you are. You say You are here in me. You say I am learning. In this practice, I am discovering the steps I need to take from this point forward. I am learning. I am learning, God. I am growing… Good job, You say… Good job.
Ameen.
Day 110
Best Case Scenario
Dear God,
Can I say today is a good day. Thank you already. The bad spell is gone. This new book I’m reading seems like it was written just for me. You say it was.
That is the power and the beauty of writing. That is the power and beauty of what we can do for each other. What we do for each other. I’m sitting at Starbucks. My favorite Starbucks in town because it’s so big and spacious and it’s nearby everything I love to do and I love the vibe and cool people always come thru here. I am defragmenting my script preparing for the next draft and later on, I’m going to go and read some more examples of well written scripts, do some yoga at my favorite park, and pray and meditate…
How did you do it God? How did you make the sadness go away so quickly? Never mind. I don’t even need to know.
Right next to me, there is a man sitting at the next table. A friend. He’s a writer too and we decided to help motivate each other. He has been lonely like me, too. And now we are not lonely now. Now we are sitting next to each other in a coffee shop helping each other do what we love to do. I have an actual human friend within my vicinity with similar interests and a similar life view, who I can actually see in person and spend time doing productive things with… You can’t tell me that miracles aren’t real. This is a miracle. This is a dream come true already.
And so, world, no crying today. God says, He didn’t do it. He says I did it. I mean, He has been trying to do it all along, but I wouldn’t let Him. He says to me, in my deeper, more intuitive thoughts, that it’s all up to me. He says that as I set a clear and true intention, from a place of sincerity, and as I engage in actions that are in alignment to that intention, I will see greater miracles happen, so I better just go ahead and get ready. The good stuff is now. Life is here and now. It’s all up to us…
Will you tell me again, God, that it’s OK to be happy?
-Yes, You say. It’s OK. Tell yourself. Tell yourself again and again until you believe it. And then tell yourself again. And then practice until you remember the truth. Practice until you remember the truth. It’s all up to you…
Thank you God. Ameen.
Day 109
It’s All Up To You
Every now and again I feel like Neo on the Matrix. Except I am a woman and this is real life.
Where do I start? It’s 6:05 pm and I’m sitting in my room at the desk by the window. Through the white translucent curtains I see a large tree and two apartment buildings behind it. If I reached my hand about six inches out of the window, I could touch the leaves of the tree. Birds chirp all day in that tree.
My room door is closed because I am babysitting my sister’s pet cat and I don’t want her to come in the room. She likes to jump on the bed and then try to rip the curtains down when she hears the birds chirping. My door would usually be open just because I like it open, but today it’s just me, the walls, the bed, the TV, the shelf, the closet and the computer, my portal to the outside world.
I had been feeling stuck and bored lately, contemplating what life is about again… The death of my Dream Lover dream left me feeling… lost. One day I thought I knew how everything was going to turn out and I was excited about that life and the next day I didn’t know anything. Sitting in my room looking out of the window while typing on my computer all day doesn’t really make me want to dance, and neither does going back to my 9 to 5 in the fall.
So this week, I didn’t cry like a baby or find some distraction to keep me from feeling the really deep sense of loss that was creeping up in me, I just stayed home and felt it. I realized that some people that I cared about were happy to see me sad, and that was a bit disheartening. It’s almost like there was saying, “That’s what you get. How dare you try and do something different. We told you life sucks. We told you that you better just get with the program and be like us…”
I had been doing so well for so long, you see? I was on the brink and my blog is even called “life on the other side of happy” now. I realized that I was slowly shifting back into a sad place and I didn’t want to go there anymore. Demons were laughing at me and I couldn’t find any examples, just one real person to tell me that this life I have imagined is could be real. I just wanted one person to tell me that they had been to the mountaintop. One person to tell me that life on the other side of happy was a real place, not just something in theory to be talked about. I felt so alone on my journey…
I have become wise enough to know that my personal experience of the world does not represent the world as a whole, but is merely a reflection of my beliefs about the world, and so I reached out. I decided to do something beyond my previous experience because I’m just not going out like that. Being depressed for long periods of time, settling for less than who I am, or living a life where I at least don’t work towards fulfilling my life’s destiny is no longer an option for me.
I reached out and yesterday I met a woman who had made it to the other side of happy. She was wiser than me and after about an hour of dialogue she was able to look at me and tell me the truth about who I am. She was so on time. She knew about the deep feeling of “aloneness” that I had been living with for so long, and she helped me to understand why I have been so willing to latch on to any man that would sell me a sweet dream and just make me feel connected in the slightest way. She told me about the secrets that I never tell anyone. You know, this deep-seated belief that I am supposed to help change the world in some way. It sounds so juvenile as I type it, but I still believe it… At the end of our meeting, she told me something so wonderful. She told me that I was not alone. That I just had to find my people. She told me that she had met and known and knows people like me and she broke my heart open with hope. I mean, I know that there has to be a world outside of my little world with all kinds of people, but I needed someone to tell me that this thing I have been imagining, these people I have been imagining, are real… We ended the meeting by her recommending a book for me to read and telling me she was going to connect me with some other people who are on a similar path as me… I am encouraged.
It’s time. It’s actually past time for us to stop killing ourselves. It’s past time for us to just be walking around the Earth like wind-up toys playing out programs that have been planted in us since before we can remember. Oh my God, we were meant to live for so much more. We deserve so much more. I am not afraid any more. It is OK with me if I am to be a leader, God. It OK with me if people won’t like me. It is even OK if I’m alone for a little bit. This will not do. This playing small just will not do anymore. These horrible relationships will not do anymore. I am on a sacred journey with a holy destination and I am taking you with me if you will come, and I will walk with you only if you are on a similar path.
There is work to be done. I don’t care if I am the only one any more. I don’t care if I have to start all over and say I was wrong. I don’t care if people talk about me or they won’t hire me at their stupid jobs because I wrote a blog that told the truth of what they experience every day. I don’t care if men think I’m too smart or too good or too whatever. I finally realize that the only way to take the journey is take the journey. It’s all good… Where my people at?
Day 108
Find Your People
