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Day 102 – Finish The List

February 16, 2012

It’s still morning time, but the day  is great already. Recovering from about two days of apathy. It’s been cold and wet in Los Angeles the past couple of days, and on top of that our gas hasn’t been working so no hot water or heat either, but today the sun is shining through my window and the gas folks are finally going to come by and reset everything…

I’d like to take a moment to say thank you God. For letting me be here this long. For keeping me in good health and sound mind even in my most challenging times. I’d like to say thank you for all the places I’ve been and all the people I’ve known. Thank you for letting me know for real that no condition is permanent, that no person has a monopoly on truth, but that truth is ever unfolding and as we grow, we see it clearer and clearer…

So God, as You know, my vision is blurry at this juncture and I do not have a clear idea of what I must say or write or do. I do know that sitting still is not an option at the moment. Life is moving forward and sitting still means I will be moving backwards. But I have been living in reaction to circumstances for so long, that I don’t know what it means to actually create circumstances. The thought of having that much power seems borderline blasphemous.

Everything is so, so new. I know that I have been going through training and cleansing and all these things, even yoga to make my nervous system strong so I don’t have nervous breakdowns anymore, and I know that I am ready for this next thing, this next part of my life. I am not even scared, just a little anxious from time to time. But I’d like to know what to do. It seems like such a simple question, but what do I do with my time?  What are the steps from getting from point A to B and where is this B place?

I know, at first I just wanted You to help me stop crying, and You did, and I am forever grateful. Forever. But now that my vision is a little clearer, my old life is no longer for me, but I don’t see what the new life looks like and that leaves a lot of room for confusion… Talk to me, please. We are becoming friends. I know you will comfort me. Thank You, God, for letting me know, more than I can even remember, what it feels like to be comforted. Thank you for letting me live to see these days.

I am calm this morning and there’s not much to complain about, but I am aware that I need you. This next part is bigger than me. It has always been bigger than me, but I am aware of it now. I offer myself to You, to do with me as You please. I used to think this was the most ludicrous idea, submitting your Will to the Will of God. I wanted to do what I wanted to do. But somebody told me that God’s will for us is the fulfillment of our purpose on Earth and with that in mind, I can wholeheartedly say that my will is now Your will for me, and I know that life is more than me, more than my thoughts, more than my ideas, more than my ambitions. I know that You can make anything happen. I have seen it. I have seen miracles happen in my life alone, and so, God, please take me now and do as You will. I give you permission to work through me so that I may fulfill my destiny on Earth.

I come to you not out of desperation this time, not out of pain. I come to you with a clear mind and a clear conscience… You keep telling me I have already arrived. “Finish the list”, You say. Silly humans. We hardly ever finish the to-do list. My list literally would only take one week at most to finish… So finish the list, huh? That’s it? OK… That sounds easy.

Thank you God. Ameen

Day 102

Finish The List

 

 

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