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Day 103 – Start At The Very Beginning

February 18, 2012

My body has been tripping out lately. My eyes feel really weak and my head hurts when I get on the computer and I have to take really deep breaths.

I’m trying to think of what could be wrong. Maybe I’ll find a doctor that actually cares about healing. I’d diagnose myself as being resistant to all of the new stuff, but it wouldn’t hurt to get a second opinion…

I broke up with someone yesterday. I know, I say I am single, yet I am constantly breaking up with someone. This is how it usually happens. I break up with someone, like I did yesterday, and then I walk outside today and I meet someone new. Inevitably, after I meet someone new, one of my exes from long ago calls and tries to rekindle things. Then, on a day when I am tired of working non-stop, I either go out with the new guy or call one of the exes. I think the longest I have been “single single” in the past few years, without any part of this process happening has been for about three good months, and this has occurred since the writing of this blog.

Anyway, my recent break-up. It wasn’t really a break-up, but I had been spending time with this guy, “dating” as we called it, which literally meant spending time with one another on a level deeper than friendship, but not on a level where we had any commitments to each other, so we were free to do whatever else we wanted with whoever else… He was nice enough and I don’t have any real complaints about him: cute, sweet, did what he said he was going to do, light-hearted and brave, but at some point this “dating” thing stopped making sense to me. I mean, what were we doing? I just didn’t get it. Wasn’t I supposed to be readying myself for a husband?

So, after our last date, which was a couple days ago, I came home and I felt totally drained. He didn’t do anything wrong. I think he actually liked me. When I woke up the next morning (four hours later than I normally wake up!) I realized why I was feeling so tired. I was lying. To myself and to him. This dating thing wasn’t going to go anywhere. Like I said, he passed the test and had many of the qualities on the checklist of a qualified husband, and I could see myself having a lot of good times with him, I just couldn’t see myself being his wife. I just didn’t want to. I don’t know why. I know what you are saying, he didn’t ask me to be his wife and we were just dating, but wifery was the ultimate objective.

I try to imagine I am on the bachelorette, looking for my husband. There is no need to continue seeing someone and giving him a rose if you don’t think he could be “the one”. It’s just leading people on. They deserve to be with someone who really wants to be with them. I’d want someone to do the same for me.

So anyway, he took the news well enough, but I was feeling kind of sad and guilty about leaving him. Then I started trying to find other things to make me feel sad and I thought about whatever and whoever I could so that I could get some kind of emotional response. Try as I did, though, I couldn’t get a good cry out. I laid on the bed and did very little work all day, but still I didn’t feel bad enough to cry. Finally I gave up and just got back to my “to-do” list. Some folks invited me out and I’ll go today…

I realized something, though. In my attempts to cry and feel sad, it wasn’t the sadness I was seeking, it was the feeling. I was seeking to feel something, anything, and since sadness had been such a willing companion for so long, I thought I could access her easily. But she didn’t come along this time. She wasn’t interested in me anymore.

So I’m sitting here this morning in shock. The demons don’t want me anymore. I don’t want them either, but I have to admit, I have spent a large chunk of my life courting one negative feeling or the other. I had gotten used to their company. I feel like a baby now without them. Really, I feel so brand new. All of the old rules don’t apply anymore.

I’m a little excited and afraid, I’ll admit. I am actually starting at the very beginning and I have no idea what to do. What are the rules for picking a mate? Feelings? Resume? The way he treats you? I don’t know. What is the meaning of life? I don’t know. In a strange way, I am glad that I don’t know the answers to these things. I get to discover them again, this time with open eyes and a clean heart. Today is such a good day…

I have to start somewhere, though, so what do I know? What do I have to work with here? Honesty, integrity, intuition. I can be honest with people and with myself about what I think and feel. This seems to help keep my energy high and stop me from getting sick. I can act on my true thoughts and feelings and I can trust the guidance that I get in my prayers and meditation. I guess I’ll figure out the rest as I go along. God, You are really doing a number on me… Thank You.

Day 103

Start At The Very Beginning

 

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