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Day 108 – Find Your People

March 16, 2012

Every now and again I feel like Neo on the Matrix. Except I am a woman and this is real life.

Where do I start? It’s 6:05 pm and I’m sitting in my room at the desk by the window. Through the white translucent curtains I see a large tree and two apartment buildings behind it. If I reached my hand about six inches out of the window, I could touch the leaves of the tree. Birds chirp all day in that tree.

My room door is closed because I am babysitting my sister’s pet cat and I don’t want her to come in the room. She likes to jump on the bed and then try to rip the curtains down when she hears the birds chirping. My door would usually be open just because I like it open, but today it’s just me, the walls, the bed, the TV, the shelf, the closet and the computer, my portal to the outside world.

I had been feeling stuck and bored lately, contemplating what life is about again… The death of my Dream Lover dream left me feeling… lost. One day I thought I knew how everything was going to turn out and I was excited about that life and the next day I didn’t know anything. Sitting in my room looking out of the window while typing on my computer all day doesn’t really make me want to dance, and neither does going back to my 9 to 5 in the fall.

So this week, I didn’t cry like a baby or find some distraction to keep me from feeling the really deep sense of loss that was creeping up in me, I just stayed home and felt it. I realized that some people that I cared about were happy to see me sad, and that was a bit disheartening. It’s almost like there was saying, “That’s what you get. How dare you try and do something different. We told you life sucks. We told you that you better just get with the program and be like us…”

I had been doing so well for so long, you see? I was on the brink and my blog is even called “life on the other side of happy” now. I realized that I was slowly shifting back into a sad place and I didn’t want to go there anymore. Demons were laughing at me and I couldn’t find any examples, just one real person to tell me that this life I have imagined is could be real. I just wanted one person to tell me that they had been to the mountaintop. One person to tell me that life on the other side of happy was a real place, not just something in theory to be talked about. I felt so alone on my journey…

I have become wise enough to know that my personal experience of the world does not represent the world as a whole, but is merely a reflection of my beliefs about the world, and so I reached out. I decided to do something beyond my previous experience because I’m just not going out like that. Being depressed for long periods of time, settling for less than who I am, or living a life where I at least don’t work towards fulfilling my life’s destiny is no longer an option for me.

I reached out and yesterday I met a woman who had made it to the other side of happy. She was wiser than me and after about an hour of dialogue she was able to look at me and tell me the truth about who I am. She was so on time. She knew about the deep feeling of “aloneness” that I had been living with for so long, and she helped me to understand why I have been so willing to latch on to any man that would sell me a sweet dream and just make me feel connected in the slightest way. She told me about the secrets that I never tell anyone. You know, this deep-seated belief that I am supposed to help change the world in some way. It sounds so juvenile as I type it, but I still believe it… At the end of our meeting, she told me something so wonderful. She told me that I was not alone. That I just had to find my people. She told me that she had met and known and knows people like me and she broke my heart open with hope. I mean, I know that there has to be a world outside of my little world with all kinds of people, but I needed someone to tell me that this thing I have been imagining, these people I have been imagining, are real… We ended the meeting by her recommending a book for me to read and telling me she was going to connect me with some other people who are on a similar path as me… I am encouraged.

It’s time. It’s actually past time for us to stop killing ourselves. It’s past time for us to just be walking around the Earth like wind-up toys playing out programs that have been planted in us since before we can remember. Oh my God, we were meant to live for so much more. We deserve so much more. I am not afraid any more. It is OK with me if I am to be a leader, God. It OK with me if people won’t like me. It is even OK if I’m alone for a little bit. This will not do. This playing small just will not do anymore. These horrible relationships will not do anymore. I am on a sacred journey with a holy destination and I am taking you with me if you will come, and I will walk with you only if you are on a similar path.

There is work to be done. I don’t care if I am the only one any more. I don’t care if I have to start all over and say I was wrong. I don’t care if people talk about me or they won’t hire me at their stupid jobs because I wrote a blog that told the truth of what they experience every day. I don’t care if men think I’m too smart or too good or too whatever. I finally realize that the only way to take the journey is take the journey. It’s all good… Where my people at?

Day 108

Find Your People

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One Comment
  1. We are here in the blogosphere 🙂

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