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Day 105 – Help Yourself

February 24, 2012

I’m feeling anxious. Had a hard time breathing today. On Saturday, the new writer’s group that I joined will be reading and giving me notes on one of my scripts. The people in the group are mostly professional, accomplished writers and it’s the first time anyone professional is going to give me notes on this particular script…

I haven’t looked at the script in a little while and I went over the whole thing today. It’s actually better than I thought it was, but not as good as I want it to be. I can see where it could use improvement and I know what needs to be done, but I’m not quite at the point where I can do what needs to be done effectively. I know that as I practice more I will get better, and I can at least say that it’s good enough where I don’t think they will dog me out completely, but it’s not as good as I want it to be…

So I’m procrastinating right now before I go back over the script one last time and try to implement the notes that I made to myself earlier today.

In case I hadn’t mentioned it before, I don’t have a job job right now. What I mean is that I work a job job half of the year, and I’m off the other half of the year, which is when I focus on my writing and creative stuff. This is my second year working like this and it has been going good. I’m not rich, but I can pay my bills and have a little extra and most importantly, it allows me to make significant progress with my writing and creative pursuits. Last year I spent this time developing my writing portfolio and so this year I am now focusing on shopping, exposing and revealing my work…

I say that to say, it’s been a while since I’ve applied for jobs, but in the past two days, literally four people contacted me offering me work. Two had seen my resume somewhere and they were “job job” offers, and the others were referals asking about my writing.

Then, to top it off, as you know, Dream Lover is in my state now. He was in another city 8 hours away from me the last time we talked, but he has a car and he said he will be here “soon” of course. I haven’t seen him yet and we’ll see if he can actually manage to be brave enough to see me face to face. I think he will, but to be honest, I’m not particularly excited about him right now. I think the only reason he has stuck around in my heart with a constant option to return is because he talked so good and I couldn’t have painted a picture of my dream lover better than the words he has given me. I have been holding on to the hope and possibility that his words could be real. He said he was going to cook everyday and I love to eat good food! LOL! But I am realizing that his words are only words and I don’t know if I am strong enough or faithful enough to sit around and hold out for him while he neglects me and goes through whatever he is going through, hoping that one day he will be the man that I know he is…  In the meantime, Mr. Almost Famous, who is possibly the sweetest thing I’ve ever known, called me yesterday. I suspect he’s broken up with his girlfriend. And to top it off, the last guy I was dating (we’ll call him Youngy), who I got along marvelously with and who is such a gentle, smart and quietly strong and considerate soul, contacted me today saying all kinds of sweetness.

I don’t know what to do anymore. So many choices. Even my “to-do list” is almost complete and will literally be all checked off in the next couple of days. My friend brought to mind that I really haven’t made choices in a long time, but have rather been in a reactionary, desperate state of survival. But I’m not worried about survival anymore. I’m not worried about being alone or poor. I am keenly aware now that the little choices that I am making really are life changing.

So Lord, what do I do? Who do I pick? Do I take one of these job offers or keep focusing on the writing projects I have been working on until they are published and produced or start new things? How do I know what to do? Really? Where is the book of instructions? I am trying, but I can’t hear your voice today. Everything is blank… Hello?

You are not talking to me today? What am I going to do if you won’t talk to me? I don’t get it. God, I know the best way to learn how to make a choice is to make a choice, but I don’t have time to explore three different relationships and four different jobs anymore. I’ve already done all of that exploring. Now I just want to walk on the straight path.

-You already know what to do…

Oh my God! Please help me!… OK. Fine. You won’t help me. You are telling me to help myself and stop feeling sorry for myself. You are telling me that it is demonstration time and that I have to command my life. After all, I said I was queen, didn’t I? A queen does not go begging and beseeching. A queen commands her own life and declares a thing to be, recognizing that she  is not the Source, but she has the power…

-Do not ask Me to help you with this that and the other. Ask to know me and you will be able to help yourself. You will stand in a place of power. It’s a good word when you know how to use it. Don’t you see?…

Yes, I do. Thank you God.

Ameen.

Day 105

Help Yourself

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One Comment
  1. Great post – I hate that I get in my own way so much – it is hard to let go.

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