This is my fourth time attempting to write this blog. I’m sitting at my favorite Starbucks in town and there is a lady unashamedly spying on my computer.
What’s with folks spying on other people’s computers?
It’s been a long three days. The last time I was supposed to write in the blog, I was headed home after going to a movie screening. I thought I was going to meet up with sis and #2 and we were going to talk afterwards, but neither of them showed up. So, after the screening, I stopped by a Starbucks so I could write in the blog…
I just repositioned my computer. It’s weird. The lady is still reading everything I’m writing. I don’t feel comfortable with some stranger all up in my business. I mean, internet strangers are fine, but in-person strangers? No thank you. Hehe.
Anyway… I wasn’t able to get into what I was writing. I felt so confused and angry and scattered about what to do about my house situation with roomie #2 and sis and then I was angry that they stood me up. I typed something up anyway, and just as I was about to publish it, I get a text from #2 and shortly afterwards a text from sis. To make a long story short, they both told me that one of their friends each was stranded at the apartment. One female and one boyfriend… Stranded. -_-
Now, I should tell you that we don’t have overnight guests at my apartment. We rarely even have visitors, and sis is clear on this. But now, we have two potential overnight guests. My sis informed me that she is not sending either of them home.
So, you can see where this story might have gone. It ended with me threatening to call the cops, telling sis bf I was filing a restraining order on him, giving #2 an eviction notice, and sis running away with bf. That incident, coupled with a very busy weekend of social activity, has kept me away from the blog. I called my mother (who lives in another state) and got her involved because I think mothers should know when their children run away, and the situation is now escalated to a whole new level of dramatics.
So, I’m sitting at Starbucks. The day before all these dramatics went down, I had a very important meeting with someone who is interested in one of my scripts. He gave me a lot of good advice and told me to rewrite the script and have it to him by Wednesday… I am having a hard time breathing. I went to the park today, did some yoga, read some of a book, helped a friend out, ate, and now I’m sitting in Starbucks writing the blog and moving to another location because this lady is still reading over my shoulder…
OK. Moved. Better. I think the question in life becomes when to move and when to stay. It seems like such an important skill to learn, but how do you learn it? I have a history of being a bit of a runner when it comes to relationships, jobs, apartments, etc. When things get to a point that I don’t like, I leave. Well, when I was younger I used to stay. I stayed in a very abusive relationship for a long, long time hoping that it would get better and things would change. It never got better, but things changed. For the worse and the worse. So then, after that, I left when things got a little bad. Now I know there must be somewhere in the middle where you don’t have to run immediately, but you don’t have to be abused either…
Now here I am in this situation with sis and #2. Number 2 wants to stay and says things will get better if I tell her how we can work it out. Sis wants to avoid confronting me as long as possible… I want to live in an environment where there is cleanliness and peace of mind and I’d like to be emotionally stable so that I can do a good job on this pivotal draft of my script. My mom wants me to stalk my sister and baby her and make sure that she does what I tell her to do… Do you see the dilemma?
As I am looking at the situation from the outside looking in, it just seems so small and silly. I don’t want to fight these girls, I don’t want to live with them, and I don’t want to mother them, but it seems like I am going to have to do one or all of these things… God help me, please. I’m not even going to blame anyone but myself. In this process, I have prayed and I have made all of the decisions that I was inspired to make. I don’t have any apologies or regrets, except I have learned to speak up immediately when there is a concern and to speak directly to the person who I am having an issue with.
Things with #2 might have been different had I done that. In fact, I’m pretty sure they would have been different. But I still don’t want to live with her. If she stays I’m going to have to do more speaking up than I have the time or energy to do right now. And sis? I think our time has ended… You told me to leave sis alone and let the other one go a long time ago, but I didn’t want to listen. It seemed so mean, but here we are back at the beginning. I tried to be nice, but nice got me so taken advantage of. I like being nice, God. I don’t really like being mean or trying to make people do stuff or having to defend myself against people I’m close to anymore.
You say that if I have a choice, which I always do, I should surround myself with people who are willing and wanting to be nice to me. Even family. I don’t have to be mean to people who are mean to me, and here’s something for me: give people chances. Give them three chances to correct an action that offends you. Sometimes the error is simply ignorance. Make sure I speak up and then if someone continues to disregard or disrespect me, I can move without guilt.
People don’t have any power over us. I think it’s true that we create our own lives. We decide who we welcome into our lives and what we are going to put up with. We decide how much energy we are going to give to certain situations. We decide when to say no and when to say yes, but if we know who we are and what is important to us, it is easier for us to make decisions that are good for us. I am still discovering the fullness of who I am, but at this point, I know what’s important to me. I’m important to me. My sanity and peace of mind is important to me, and it’s really important that I surround myself with people that are good to me and people that I can be good to without them taking advantage of me, because I am just now learning about good again, and I could still use some strengthening in that area
Anyway, this is me working things out today. This is me trying to practice all of the things I’ve been learning. This is my introduction to loving myself without being selfish, or being selfish so I can be selfless. This is me doing what I think is best and taking action towards creating the life that I know I am destined to live. This is me learning to be confident in my decisions. This is me knowing what it really means to trust that everything is going to be all right. This is my life, God. You told me that it’s going to be good. You told me that I had all the tools within me and that I can do this. You told me to Trust You and to keep moving forward on Your word even if I don’t understand everything, and that’s what I’m going to do. The power is in the doing. You can know and believe and trust and think all you want, but things happen when you do something.
Thank you Allah. Ameen.
Day 123
The Power Is In The Doing
8:40pm. Heart busted open. In a good way. In a new things kind of way. This happiness place, it’s not a place. It’s a process. You reach one crossroads and then there is another. And then you master that and then there is another. I think you can recognize that you’re on the other side of happy when the challenges no longer seem daunting, but exciting.
So here we are again. At another crossroads. I am laughing at myself because I see the lesson that has been learnt in my recent housing situation with sis and roomie #2. I have been saying I want to change the world and help the disenfranchised and I got schooled real good. I got two under 21 year-old, not quite teenage girl-women that came to live with me and they asked me, without asking, to be there for them in spite of and because of all they are, and I had to find a way to do it and to be there for myself as well…
Now, I can’t say that I did it all too gracefully, but I can say that I have found a way and learned how to love myself more in the process. Because changing the world starts within. It starts at home. With the things that can really move and affect us. That is where the growth and the challenges are, not in some distant place dealing with some people who we don’t really care about… These are the skills that I’m going to need to do my work. I’m going to have to know how to love people and be compassionate towards people who may not like me or who I may not like. I’m going to have to dig deep and be unbroken in the midst of brokenness, and there is no way to be unbroken but to be healed. There’s just no going around it. Some skills can be read about, talked about, and debated about to death, but there is no way to actually learn about them but to go through the process. These little ladies have been such beautiful blessings…
Within the past twenty-four hours, so much has happened. I will give the seeds time to take hold to the ground before I start to talk about the flowers, but for tonight, can I just be a voice of something good for someone. Life has given me such beautiful gifts, I just want to testify and give them away.
I don’t want to be witty or think too much tonight. I just want to testify. It gets better. Life gets better. It really does. Sometimes you don’t even have to do anything and Grace finds you and lifts you up. And it gets better. And the more of your actual will, the more of your energy you put towards creating a better life and accepting the goodness as it comes, and it always comes, the more fulfillment you will experience in this process we call life.
For a moment, can I share with you? Can I thank you for being with me through the darkest hours of my life as I struggled to find the light? I couldn’t have done it without you. I can see the light now. It has even touched my skin from time to time and I have been present enough to actually experience it as it was happening. Can I thank you? Please let me thank you. Please know that wherever you are, whoever you are, you have done something quite fantastic. You have been there for a stranger who called out for your help and you have helped her to know that she is not alone. You have made a difference to one human being on this Earth and you are worth something.
We don’t always know, you know? We don’t always know that we are worth something just as we are, no matter what we have done or what have let people do to us. I’m rambling now, so I’ll stop here, but it’s true. Life gets better if you let it. Life gets good if you want it. I’m not even going to talk about extraordinary because that makes my heart beat too fast, but in the words of one of my darling little sisters, “The best is yet to come.”
Day 122
It Gets Better
I’m laughing as I’m thinking about the title of this post. It’s 11:45 pm and I’m just getting in after a very, very long day.
My sis and number 2 are mad at me. I care a little bit, but not enough to take me off of this high I’m feeling. I just got off the phone with someone brighter than me and I’ll be headed over to do some work tonight!
I’m excited. Wow. I’m excited about stuff again. Someone works into the wee hours of the night and morning like me and doesn’t think it’s crazy. And this person is really successful… Just like that, someone made me believe that I’m not sorry, or at least that I don’t have to stay that way.
I can’t do anything but laugh at myself right now. I have a lot more to write about. A lot more has happened in just this one day… For now, though, I am excited about writing tonight. I’m excited about the prospect that I don’t have to be sorry anymore. I know it sounds like such a small thing, but really, as I say to my brain, “I don’t have to be sorry anymore”, it already makes a big difference. At some point you just have to stop it…
Thank you God, for this moment. For all moments. For this one second that I can say I am happy.
Ameen.
Day 121
Stop Being Sorry
Good morning!
I’m back. Today is the last day that I will be able to stay at this getaway apartment before I have to go back to my life and my sis and roomie #2.
I’m going to spend this day alone and use this time to reflect, write, and make some more moves towards getting things published. The thing about working independently is that things don’t move unless you do.
I’m going to try again to write in this blog seven days in a row. I’m sure I will be able to do it this time. I’m also going to make a new list and make sure I finish at least one thing from the list for the next seven days. This new list will have categories: family/relationships, finances, professional goals, living conditions, spirituality. Eventually I would like to do one thing that enhances each category a day, but I’ll start with just one thing from the list a day…
I don’t have much to write about today. No big dramas, job offers or book sales. No potential man lurking around in my fantasies. I’m not particularly mad at anyone or wanting to teach anyone any lessons. I’m not even feeling hurt over whatever anyone might have done to me in all my years on this Earth. It’s OK already. I forgive them… I’m off the bed and don’t want to go to sleep or cry, but I’m not inspired to go run outside and sing and dance either. Not depressed… I don’t know what this place is.
Maybe this is what they call peace? There’s nothing here. No wanting. No needing to show anyone anything or make anyone proud. I think maybe this is the beginning of peace. Yeah, that’s sounds about right. My intuition tells me that peace is a thing much more profound than what I am feeling now, and if that is so, then I am humbled already, because even this amount of okayness, I have never felt in my life.
Peace, huh? That’s an actual option. Hello, Peace. My name is Lady. Thank you for staying around. I know, I’ve been so busy going to war with myself and stuff and trying to control everything and pretending I’m someone I’m not just trying to fit in, and running here and there, I didn’t even notice you. It’s so good to finally be aware of your existence…
I wish I could share with you how lovely things can be. I know, I have to be rich and famous and have a million followers and all this other stuff before people will believe me, and I will be those things and have those things before it’s all said and done, because that’s my destiny. But today, I’d like to share with you what I know in my soul already.
I know that it doesn’t matter. You may be poor or rich or have a man or woman or not. You may work at the post office or be a celebrity. You may follow whatever religion and on the outside you may look like a model citizen, but if you don’t have peace of mind, then nothing matters. The happiness, the good stuff, it’s not out there amongst a collection of things and accomplishments, it’s inside you, and the only thing that really matters at the end of the day is what’s inside of you. You can hide out in your room, travel the world, have more friends than you can count or be alone, but wherever you go, there you are. You can’t escape yourself. You can’t escape your thoughts and feelings. They don’t go away no matter how busy you keep yourself or how many drugs you use or how much sex you have or how long you lay in the bed and stay asleep.
You will still be there when you wake up. And one day, if you want to be happy, you will have to take a good look at yourself. We are grown-ups now and we can’t keep blaming everyone else for our lives. Surely, we must have played some part in getting to where we are now, even if it was something so simple as giving our love and trust to people who we knew didn’t love us. It’s ok. We’re still alive. We’re here now. And we can do something different.
I’m sorry I’m talking so much, but I guess I do have something to say today. We are still here. We are still alive and we can do something different now. Right? We can do that. We can say sorry and forgive someone. We can exercise. We can pray. We can earn more money and save some. We can finish our creative projects and submit them and actually give ourselves a chance at being successful. We can apply for new jobs or create the businesses we’ve always dreamed of. There’s really nothing stopping us but ourselves. We can make choices that are good for us.
No one said it’s going to be easy. In fact, at some point, it’s probably going to get hard and you are going to be challenged in the deepest places. So what? What else would you be doing? Crying every day? Waiting to die? Trying to get through the day? Come on, now. We are still alive. We are still alive. Let’s act like it.
Day 120
We Are Still Alive
I didn’t post yesterday. It got that bad…
But today I’m feeling a lot better. I didn’t really do anything to make myself feel better. I tried. Reading and praying and exercising and hanging out with someone peaceful, but I still felt really down. The change happened in my sleep. I had a dream that I was a shape shifter who turned into butterflies and birds. Then, some kind of way, I was with my family and holding my brand new baby nephew. I was teaching him how to say words and he was picking up so quickly and saying them exactly like I taught him. I taught him how to say “movie” and “floor” and “wall”.
When I woke up, I could feel my heart beating again, like I’m alive. I had been feeling a little numb the past couple of days and couldn’t feel anything, but this morning, I feel alive. I think this is what they call Grace. Thank you for waking me up today with the feeling of peace of mind and clarity.
The storm has passed. Three days instead of three months. I’m getting better at this… There is nothing we can do about the weather. Storms will come in spite of our bests efforts. How could they not? We are living in a world with people all going through their own shtuff and if we step outside, it is inevitable that at some point we are going to butt heads with a storm that we may or not be prepared for or, just by being ourselves, bring a challenge to someone else… Whether or not we walk into these episodes unprotected, or go back into the house and wait it out, or get an umbrella, well, I guess those are the decisions that make up our lives…
No matter what we do, it will pass. I am grateful to be learning. The storms will pass. It’s just a matter of time.
Day 119
It Will Pass
OK God. This is three challenging days in a row… My sis and I fell out today. I was supposed to pick her up from an event, but she didn’t come out on time or contact me to tell me she was going to be late. I tried to reach her but no avail, and so an hour and a half after the time I was supposed to get her, I left. Ten minutes after I left, she came out and then called me, but I was already long gone and had another appointment to get to. So I left her there… It was a safe part of town and she could catch the bus but I feel bad about it. And good about it. How about conflicted?
I’m dealing with situations head on now and trying my best to keep some kind of balance between honoring myself and showing the people that I love that I love them, but I don’t think I’m very good at it yet… God, I’m not feeling very good about myself right now and feeling a little embarrassed to be me. It’s like I don’t even know how to function in the world, and things that used to be very simple are so challenging now.
I’m a little mad at you. Because I thought it would be easier. I’m doing my best to live from a deeper place of integrity and I’m creating rifts between me and people I was close to… I don’t want to complain today, but I want you to know that I feel like I need some help with these things. I don’t like to be mean, and I don’t like to have to say no to people I love. It makes me feel bad. But it makes me feel bad when I feel like I’m being used or taken for granted too. It seems like a lose lose situation…
I’m even feeling a little embarrassed about writing this blog today. Like maybe I shouldn’t tell people all of the deep things that I feel and do. They will judge me and talk about me and call me all kinds of names. I am feeling afraid today, God. More afraid than I have felt in a long time. Afraid of being myself. Afraid of expressing myself. Afraid of telling people what I want. Afraid to act on my intuition. I can’t hear your voice, and that scares me the most…
I’d like to come back to the truth, please. Please give me a moment of clarity. Please remove this anger and confusion from my mind and heart. I don’t really want it anymore. Do you understand? I am sincere God. Please teach me how to walk on this Earth with Love and Integrity. I really don’t care about being right any more or teaching lessons or even learning lessons. I will learn them and teach them if that’s what’s needed, but that’s not my objective. I want to be happy, Lord. That’s all. I’d like to experience joy and connectivity for real. I’d like to do what I am here to do on this Earth… I used to be able to walk through and participate in mountains and mountains of drama without being the least bit affected, and now I can not even stomach such small things. You say it’s a good thing, and I’m Okay with that. What I would like though, is who I am, who I know I am on the inside, I would like to be able to show that on the outside. Like my writing. I don’t want people to read one of my scripts and say, “that was unclear.” I would like for what I intended to say and do and be to be said and done and I would like to that woman that I am. I would like my relationships and my life to reflect that, not out of selfish reasons or too much ambition or whatever, but because isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be? Aren’t we supposed to be who we are? I’m not good at doing or being any of the stuff that I’d like to be yet and I’m getting scared now because as I am practicing, I’m hurting people…
You say that this is a test. Is it You talking, God, or just my head? How do I know?… OK… Stopping the questions… Stopping the crying… Taking a moment to breathe in the dark. There is still breath here, in the midst of confusion. Some days you don’t have all the answers. Some days you are not sure about how things are going to work out or even who you are any more and nothing makes sense. In the midst of it all, you can still breathe. You can still breathe… Breathe.
Day 118
Breathe
Taking a deep breath… Rushed home tonight so I could post before midnight. Long day. Helped folks with stuff, paid bills, nursed some sick folk, talked on phone… Didn’t get any of my own work done.
I think that’s part of what makes people depressed. When you can’t see the progress you’ve made in a day or feel some kind of connection in a day, life begins to have a hum drum tone. Was not pleased with the upkeep of my apartment when I went home today, particularly my room…. Don’t like drama anymore. “Gotta find peace of mind”, like Lauryn Hill said.
Digging deeper. Dis-attaching from old life. Missing my last dream of a love come true. Missing surety… Missing a clean apartment with comfy decorations. Life at my apartment has become such a monument to confusion and lack.
Coming back to the middle. Thirty minutes before the clock strikes midnight. Tired of digging deep. Just want to cry. It’s the truth. Don’t want to do it on my own anymore. Don’t want to be the strongest one I know. Don’t want to be the giver all the time. When is it my turn, God? When is it my turn to be Loved? What do I have to do?…
No answers. Maybe God doesn’t like cry baby’s. I don’t know. I’m tired, though, God. Please. I’m tired of this constant striving. I just want to be there already. I just want to actually get a check for one of my works already. I just want to be in love with someone that I like and we be good to each other already. I just want to live in a healthy and happy living environment already. What’s holding me back? What do I have to do?
I have been trying so hard, Lord, and I’m thankful because I know I’ve come a long way from crying every day. I’ve come a long way from having fantasy relationships with people who really don’t know about love. I have travelled far from the place of just having a dream to taking action towards manifesting it. I no longer trust people who are clearly untrustworthy and I have even found some people that I like in the world, but I’m still not there, God. It’s as if as soon as I make these big strides forward, here comes another thing to push me back. I get a big check and my sis goes flat broke into the negative. I clean my house out and then the dirtiest roommate in the world moves in. I meet a wonderful man and find out he’s mourning from a relationship he just ended the day before he met me… I get a meeting with the perfect person to buy one of my works and then they go through a tragedy right before writing my check. I have a spiritual realization and someone I Love calls me the devil. Seriously? What’s really going on?
I’m supposed to be telling people about life on the other side of happy, but I’ve only experienced brief moments of it. How can I teach a thing that I don’t know. -You can’t… So what should I do now? -Don’t teach. Just keep doing what you’re doing. Some earthquakes take years to form but just because you do not see the world shake immediately doesn’t mean that nothing is happening. This is where the faith part comes in. Look at this way. You have no choice. You can’t even cry every day any more if you wanted to and as much as you would just like to settle for the status quo, those brief experiences of life on the other side of happy were too strong for you to ever be satisfied with anything else. So you have to move forward. You don’t have to run into your new life or fly into it. It’s OK. You can have bad days. You can have doubts. You can even complain from time to time and ask someone to hold you. Just keep doing what you’re doing. You are on the other side already, you just don’t see it, but soon enough, very soon, you will. Why should you believe Me? Well, you don’t have to believe anything at all. You can go on doubting the truth, even though deep down you know that I am a good God. It is easier if you give up the need to understand everything before you act on what you know…
So, cry a little more if you need to. Curse whoever. Feel sorry for yourself if that makes you feel better. And when you are done, get up, wipe your face, drink some water, and let’s back to business…
Day 117
Keep Doing What You’re Doing
I have a friend that I call Sunshine. I haven’t talked to him in over a year and a half. He called me this morning and at the end of the conversation he said “Have a good day”. I didn’t see him smile, but I could feel it on the other end of the line and I felt blessed… My companions are the pure of heart.
I’m used to talking about sad stuff, so two really amazing days in a row is new to me, but I have to admit, I’m loving this. This simple act of visiting another side of town and staying in an apartment by myself for a little bit has proven to be exactly what I needed. This environment of peace and wealth and happiness is contagious.
These past couple of days, I have been able to reset, if you will. I have been able to sit down and pray and meditate as long as I like, talk to who I want, go where I want and do exactly what I want with my day and I count that as a wonderful blessing, because I am figuring out how I would like to walk on the Earth from this point forward, and God is just sending angels upon angels upon blessings upon blessings.
I’m tuning in to you again, God, remembering why I started tihs blog and why I do anything at all. I am learning to trust you and I don’t always have to know the “why” now, as long as I know the “what” to do. I’m sure the answers to the “why” will come in time.
Yesterday, I read a wonderful chapter in the new book I’m reading, and I’d like to share some of the excerpts with you. “Simply by being who you are, where you are, in this moment in time, and by sharing your truth and your own process honestly, you help the others with whom you share your journey.” In the same chapter I also read, “There is no point in deluding yourself into believing that you are not ready. For, it is far too late to wonder if it is safe to put your toe in the waters of transformation when you are already far from the shore.”
I’m pretty sure that the only reason we all walk this Earth together is because we need each other. This is a new revelation for me. We actually need each other. Me too. I need folks and folks need me. It’s true…
Today I’m going to present one of the songs I wrote to the singer that I wrote it for. I wrote this song years ago, when I was depressed, and in my mind I heard the voice of this lady who is a prominent singer singing it. I tried to find ways to get the song to her years ago, but no luck. A couple weeks ago, I talked to a friend of mine who makes jewelry for celebrities and asked him if he knows her. He said he makes jewelry for this particular singer and his wife is the singer’s good friend. So, now I have a meeting with her, and God, if it is your will, I’d like her to put my song on her new album and get paid a bunch of money for it.
You say it is Your will for me to be successful. Am I ready? Yes I am God. I would like to be. The thought of true and actual success and the manifestation of all my dreams coming true still scares me. You know. I have been putting in a lot of work, though, spending a lot of time cleaning up my mind and my heart and praying and talking to You, so at least I feel like I have put in the work to where I deserve some goodness now.
You would like me to know that I deserve goodness period. Because I exist. This is not how I was taught, but you are telling me that this is the truth.
-You have already learned about how to live in integrity with yourself. Imagine your best case scenario, even if you can’t accept that you can have it. Then take actions that move you in that direction. Soon enough, you will find yourself changed and able to accept that you are not evil or cursed or damned. You are blessed beyond your fondest dreams.
-So today, with this life on the other side of happy that you are creating, I’d like you to play pretend. If you are a prolific writer (amongst other things) with a wonderful family and friends who helps people get in touch with who they are and develops and assists with developing structures that support lifestyles that promote human beings’ highest good, what do you do with your day?
-I have granted you a space, some time, good food, sunshine and Sunshine and even some money so that you may prepare yourself for the life that is calling you. Don’t you see? I am on your side. Get ready now. Get ready.
Day 115
Get Ready (Again)
Sitting here until I feel connected to the truth. Small uprisings, the energy of others, a big check and a lot of small bills, the difference between love and like, the awareness of low and high energy, the realization of the profound effect that we all have on each other, croissants, unfinished lists, the beach, and everything that has led me to this moment are all on my mind.
In the midst of it all, God, all of this clutter, I ask you please for a space of cleanliness, where I can see the truth. Yes, you say. You will give it to me. Thank you. You say that I am not crazy for choosing the path of most resistance. In fact, I am brave and faithful. Thank you God. I needed to hear that. You say that I am learning to hear Your voice and that as long as I continue to seek it, I will find Your guidance everywhere. You say that one day, very soon, even now if I had the faith to believe it, my life will be a reflection of Your voice.
You tell me to look around. I don’t need to go outside. Just look in my heart and in my mind and there I will find the medicine that transforms. You say that I am already changed, now I just need to act like it. I already have all that I am seeking. Now I just need to show my face. Is it really that easy, God? I know the answer already. It is. Then why don’t we all live this way? Because we don’t believe. We believe in our own power more than the power of the One who created the wind, not even realizing that the source of our power is a greater source that works for us effortlessly. But why have we bought in to this illusion? Because we like to feel like we are in control… You are right… I am done with trying to be in control, or at least I am willing to be done.
It took me all these years to come back to you, God. You say it’s OK, because even though I left you, you never left me. You have always been here waiting for me to see You again, waiting for me to see myself again. This is what Love is? Yes, You say. A part of it. Do humans do this? Yes, You say. Some of them. You say that I am not the only one capable of Loving in this way. There are others. I have known them. C. My mom… You say that the aliveness that I am feeling in my heart right now is just the beginning of the Love that I am yet to experience and I am overwhelmed by this thought. God I’m going to help so many people get out of the dark place that I was in. You know I am…
I am Loving this dialogue that we are having, God.
-Ask me anything.
What am I to do today as I walk on this Earth? I know the big things, my calling, if you will. It’s the little things that trip me up sometimes, like who to go around. Whether or not to come close to a particular friend or shut them out or even how much exercise to do in a day and whether to change my physical location or just make my place now a really comfy home. What to do about making more money quickly so I don’t have this burden of debt and bills and buying my mom a house in the back of my mind.. Do you understand? Whether to try and draw close to my brother again or just let him be. How to select a good mate. I’m embarrassed that this is the first time I’m actually asking you how to select a good mate…
You say that as I am growing, I will learn that I have known the answers to all of these questions all along, intuitively. I just haven’t listened. I have been afraid. Sometimes the answers don’t make sense in the context of the current social structure that I live in. Now that I have come to you clearly, now that I have decided to cultivate an awareness of the voice of truth within me, I will be able to recognize that voice more easily. And so you say to go back and ask myself all those questions again, this time tuning in to the truth. This time with the knowledge that the answers are all there and You will not forsake me.
-This time, when you have clarity, act on it. I know you are afraid of this massive change that you are so wonderfully participating in. Do not be afraid, and even if you are, walk anyway. Trust that I am with you. This is where you must strengthen yourself and you do so just like exercise. A little at a time. Take a small step to trust in something that you feel intuitively and act on that trust. Soon you will find that your intuition is My voice and it is always accurate. Tune in and find Me. Know that your companions are the pure of heart and seek them out. Be encouraged my Dear, Dear one and take heart. You are catching up. You are tuning in and your life is already good…
I am grateful for this day, God. Thank you so much… Ameen.
Day 114
Tune In
hownottocryeveryday 