For some time, I have had this dream of living an international lifestyle. I would be filthy rich and spend my time working on creative projects in the US, helping build communities overseas, visiting with my mom and siblings, and teaching and speaking wherever I pleased. I would own a couple of businesses that made their own money and a man and some children would be nearby… This has been my dream for a while.
As I’m sitting here in my room on this drizzly, overcast day, watching the wind blow through the leaves of the tree that is outside my second story window, I realize that my dream life is becoming real… Nobody ever talks about this part of growing. The part where the fantasy becomes real. For a long time, I have been the woman who’s dream almost comes true, and because this has been my identity for a while, I almost always find a way to sabotage a situation right when I think it’s about to be for real for real.
Deep down, I have not been able to accept the possibility of my dream really coming true and as I look around me, I see this phenomenon occurring with many people that I know. We just don’t believe that it should happen to us and we will find a way to make sure that the carrot of happiness is dangling just far enough in front of us so that we can’t taste it.
Now what happens when you actually reach out and grab the carrot? It is in your hand. All of this time, chasing the carrot has been your motivation for living, and now you have it in your hand. What do you do? Many times I have thrown the carrot back into the ethers because, well, the only thing I have known how to do was chase the carrot, but now, the carrot remains in my hand. In fact, I have tried to throw it away, but it hasn’t gone anywhere. It’s just right there on the ground ready and available for me to pick up.
It seems like a small dilemma as I write about it, but I swear, talk to anyone you know who has a dream they are chasing, and you will find that many people are horrified of having their dream come true, and they don’t even realize it. This change thing sounds pretty on paper, but in real life it can make your head hurt or your back ache, and inevitably it will make you loose your sense of stability.
I’m not scared anymore, though. I’ve had enough headaches and I’ve cried enough to know that it doesn’t last. What I am feeling now is detachment, like a soldier being sent on a mission. You’re not particularly excited about the battle you’re going to have to go through and the thought that you can emerge as a hero doesn’t even thrill you. You’re just determined. This is what you have to do. This is the path that you have chosen in life, so you just have to walk it.
A part of you wishes that you could just go home, though, and hold on to someone you used to love. You know that the people from the past will not understand you, even though you will understand them. But still, you long for a hand to hold on this hero’s journey… Your friends have regular jobs and houses and husbands and wives and children and you know you can have those things too if you chose them, but somehow the thoughts of having those things don’t fill you up. In your mind, you are on a mission, and try as you may, nothing else will satisfy unless you are living in alignment with that mission.
It’s not as glamourous as it seems from the outside looking in. In fact, the hero’s journey can be quite lonesome. It will bring you to your knees and you must know God, or something deeper than your mind, if you are to succeed.
This is the path that I have chosen. I won’t call myself a hero, but I will admit that I am being called by something greater than myself to do my part in the world now. There are gifts and skills in me that need to be developed and shared, and I have been moving in this direction all along, but in this moment, it’s like I can see what’s happening. I can see the preparation that is taking place. I can see the lessons that are being learned. I can see that this blog and all of my relationships and disappointments and successes and failures and the arrogance and pride and depression and fear and self-loathing and guilt and happiness and joy that have come along with the things I have experienced thus far in my life, all of it has been for this time, for this moment that I say I am ready, God, to do your will! I didn’t know I was going to end up all religious, but I guess I had to take the long way back home.
I am ready, now, though. I know that I’m going to have to deal with myself and speak up more. I am going to have to apologize to people who may never apologize in return and I’m going to have to forgive them anyway. My mom and other people may not agree with some of my decisions and I know that I might not see the rewards of my actions for a long time, but I also know that there is no other way for me to live than to do Your will, God. It has come to this…
There is no way for me to stop crying every day except that I live in integrity with my soul’s calling. I see now that these tears have been a blessing. Thank you God…
Day 127
The Hero’s Journey
I am trembling right now, amazed at how good life has become.
It’s 2:01 am. April 20, 2012. Today is my birthday. I spent the changing of the day talking to my sis and roomie #2 about how we can make things work as roommates. And then they hugged me and wished me happy birthday at midnight. I Love them. They Love me. Life is so good…
Just a few minutes ago, I got off the phone with a very old friend of mine, who I haven’t talked to in over two years. No. Wait. First let me tell you. During my conversation with my sis and # 2 tonight, we were discussing what our summer plans were, in regards to the apartment. I told them my plans, and I told them that ideally, I would have liked to go to overseas and work there for a bit, but I had made no plans in that direction, so I don’t know if and how that was going to happen.
OK. Then my friend whom I haven’t spoken to in years called me. He didn’t know it was my birthday today. He didn’t know about my ideal summer plans. He’s a writer, a publisher, and an independently wealthy business owner. To make a long story short, he asked me if I would like to come and visit him overseas this summer. He said he would buy me a ticket and he would give me a paid job at his publishing company if I like…
I’m sitting here wondering if I really am lucky. God says I am and that everything I ever dreamed of can come true if I let it… It’s just so much to swallow, you know? Where does that happen at? I’m going to say yes this time. I’m going to go to overseas and I’m going to go ahead and let this producer buy my script… Wow. I will be filthy rich by July, Insha’ Allah, if I just keep saying yes.
I have never been filthy rich before and I have never been a published writer before and I am so amazed because just yesterday the thought of being successful or of accomplishing my goals and being happy horrified me, but today I’m not afraid. I feel a peace and a calm in my heart as if this is the way it’s supposed to be…
God, this is real now. So, it’s my birthday and I cry if I want to, and I am crying, but they are tears of joy because life is real now. It’s not just a fantasy or it’s not just me hoping and wishing and dreaming about a thing. Things are happening. Life is changing. I am growing and getting over stuff and my world is responding to my birth. I don’t know where I will end up, but deep down, I know that it will forever be better than where I am, because I have chosen to live…
One day I will be able to take the things that are on my heart and make others understand them. One day we will all be able to communicate with each other on the deeper levels and we will find that all of the hatred and the fighting, all of the bitterness and the pain, the seeming need to validate ourselves and our beliefs by making other people wrong, all of it doesn’t matter.
It is so much better to be happy. It is so much nicer to tell the truth and be yourself. It’s so much more fun to be close to people instead of distant. It is so much more freeing to say sorry and forgive and make peace with people. It is so much more fulfilling to be in touch with your spirit, or whatever you want to call it, and it is so much easier, and much more rewarding, to do the work that you are being called to do on Earth… I am learning, God. You may have Your way with me now.
Breathing in this new day. Letting the joy take over. Surrendering to Life…
Day 126
Surrender To Life
Resistance is a funny thing. Today I caught a cold, I have horrible cramps in my shoulder, and I’ve been having a hard time breathing. It’s no coincidence that these things are happening right as I’m about to turn in the first script that I think there is a very high high probability that I’m going to sell.
It’s all good though. I’m like Truman on the Truman show. Resistance doesn’t phase me anymore. It’s just a trick our bodies and minds do to keep us doing the same things over and over again. It’s a part of the process and this time I’m just going to keep working through it.
I’m at my Alma Mater again. This time pulling an all nighter in one of the classrooms, working diligently on my script. Three young students came into the classroom and asked if they could study in here with me. I said yes. I think it’s sweet. People. It’s nice to have people around. I’m just now recognizing this.
God has given me a gift this past year. People. I was alone and my sis came to stay with me. I didn’t invite her. In fact, I tried to push her away, but she stayed nonetheless and brought another young soul into our lives. I say thank you, God. It’s funny. Sometimes blessings and angels don’t look like blessings and angels. We have been programmed to think that everything that is good for us must come in a pretty little package with a bow and not disturb our lives or our patterns, but I’m finding that the things that help me grow actually disturb my patterns, make my heart beat fast and take me out of my comfort zone.
It’s all good. Change is in the air. The seasons are shifting. Life is taking on a new tone. The tone is called sweetness. Easiness. Acceptance. Surrender.
I started this blog trying to figure out how I could stop crying every day, but that’s not what it’s about any more. It’s not even about how to be happy. It’s about how to be true to yourself. That’s where it starts. That’s where anything starts. You have to figure out who you are and what you want and why you’re here, then you can decide what you’d like to do from there.
I wish I could tell you that you’re gonna get there. I wish I could give you hope and say that all of your dreams will come true, that none of your efforts will go in vain, but I can’t say that. All I can say is that you’re gonna die. That’s the only surety in life. We are going to die. And at some point, we are going to have to look back at what we did here and come to terms with what we didn’t do, and all of the things we never tried. It won’t matter if somebody hurt us and never said sorry. It won’t matter what our parents gave us or never gave us. The only regrets we will have when we look back at our lives will be for the things we never tried to do, the things we never said, the peace we never attempted to make, the resentments we held…
The only way you can live with a clear conscience, or I can say, the only way I can live with a clear conscience is to try. Try to make a good thing. Try to show someone you care. Try to go for that dream. Just try. You might fail. At some point, you probably will fail at something, but so what? You can try again. People may not forgive you or understand when you want them to. People may not be receptive to what you have to offer, they may reject your gifts, but that’s ok. It’s not for you to judge the plans that God has for us, and we never know what effect a single word might have on someone years down the line..
Our job, my job, is only to be still, seek guidance, and then try something. Tonight I’m going to try and finish my script. Tomorrow I’m going to try and figure out how to live harmoniously with some human beings who seem intent to stay around me, and I’m going to try and let go of the fears that have stopped me from fulfilling my destiny. I have faith, Allah. I know that you are The Responsive One, and as I reach towards You, You are reaching towards me.
I am confident that my efforts will not go in vain… Ameen.
Day 125
Try
1017pm. At my Alma Mater about to work all night long. There are so many students in here just doing work. A secret world.
Today has been such a good day. Amazing how life happens like that. One day it seems like everything is falling apart and then the next everything seems possible. I guess change can get messy sometimes.
In approximately 30 hours, I will be turning in my second draft of a script. I got asked for a second draft. I’m going to do my best and leave the rest to God. I must say that I am feeling rather anxious, though. If I sale this script, my life will be changed forever more.
So, I’m breathing, and blogging and trying to ease myself into the change that is taking place, but there is no easing. Whether it seems easy or hard, change has come knocking on my door. It has pushed me out of my comfort zone and caused me to look at all the deep seated issues that have been in me for so long. It has busted my heart open and caused me to feel again, and now, it is asking that I stop dreaming and start being. It is whispering to my soul that I am here already.
I am no longer amazed by how much you can learn in a day. I’m looking at this thought that is floating around, this “I’m not good enough” that is sitting in my head somewhere trying to rear it’s ugly head just as I am about to make real peace with sis and actually take the next step in my writing career. I’m looking at it as it tries to stop me from releasing patterns of dysfunctional relationships and accepting real and authentic companionship. And I’m changing it. I’m moving the letters around. In fact, I’m erasing some letters and adding others. Editing, if you will.
And now, Lady, we are going to put into practice what we know. Yes, I am talking to myself. Listen. We are good enough, Okay? We are good enough. We are good enough. We are worthy of the very best in life. Let’s accept it. I know, this is new territory. We are safe. Don’t you see how far we have come? Don’t you see all that we have lived through? We are here now. The place we have been dreaming of forever. Don’t worry. Once the dream comes true, we will have new dreams and new dreams and new dreams. There is no way I can disappoint you. You are on track. Give me the chance to surprise you. Give me the chance to Love you. You have to let me. Oh, I so want to Love you.
You are strong now. You can handle Love. It is almost like pain. Intense. Wrenching. You are comfortable with pain, but Love is just the same. Only it’s the other side, you see? You will still feel something. Excitement. Not quite drama like you’re used to, but exhilaration. Oh, it’s a good thing, Lady, and it’s your time. Sometimes it’s just your time. It’s your time now. Do you understand? It is your time to Love. It is your time to cross over. Sit with it…. You have been preparing for a mighty mighty life. You had a mighty big dream and you had to do some growing and some letting go before you could handle it. But do you feel your heart now? It is the same heart. Do you know the difference? Yes, you do. You can feel your aliveness now. You are ready.
Do not doubt what I have in store for you. It is your time. Do not doubt that you are on the straight path. You have finally found it and learned to walk it. Do not doubt that you are a miracle. I know, you don’t want to be special, but you are. Go and do your work now. Say it with me now. “I am good enough.” Say it to that spot over your right eye that always tremors when you mention change. Say it to the place behind the center of your forehead that has become so used to holding a frown. “I am good enough. I am good enough now. I am good enough now. I am good enough now. Now, now, now. I accept my blessings now. I accept the change now. I love now. I Love now. The time is now. Now. I am good enough now. I am great now.” Ok, that’s a hard one to swallow. Let’s stick with what we can accept. I am good enough now. Heck, let’s just go for it. I am great now. I am great now. I am great now. Over and over until your mind accepts it. Over and over. We have all night. Tonight we are not stopping until we have done our best. We are not stopping until we have given our all. We are going there tonight. Now. Now. Now. Now. Now…
Day 124
The Time Is Now
This is my fourth time attempting to write this blog. I’m sitting at my favorite Starbucks in town and there is a lady unashamedly spying on my computer.
What’s with folks spying on other people’s computers?
It’s been a long three days. The last time I was supposed to write in the blog, I was headed home after going to a movie screening. I thought I was going to meet up with sis and #2 and we were going to talk afterwards, but neither of them showed up. So, after the screening, I stopped by a Starbucks so I could write in the blog…
I just repositioned my computer. It’s weird. The lady is still reading everything I’m writing. I don’t feel comfortable with some stranger all up in my business. I mean, internet strangers are fine, but in-person strangers? No thank you. Hehe.
Anyway… I wasn’t able to get into what I was writing. I felt so confused and angry and scattered about what to do about my house situation with roomie #2 and sis and then I was angry that they stood me up. I typed something up anyway, and just as I was about to publish it, I get a text from #2 and shortly afterwards a text from sis. To make a long story short, they both told me that one of their friends each was stranded at the apartment. One female and one boyfriend… Stranded. -_-
Now, I should tell you that we don’t have overnight guests at my apartment. We rarely even have visitors, and sis is clear on this. But now, we have two potential overnight guests. My sis informed me that she is not sending either of them home.
So, you can see where this story might have gone. It ended with me threatening to call the cops, telling sis bf I was filing a restraining order on him, giving #2 an eviction notice, and sis running away with bf. That incident, coupled with a very busy weekend of social activity, has kept me away from the blog. I called my mother (who lives in another state) and got her involved because I think mothers should know when their children run away, and the situation is now escalated to a whole new level of dramatics.
So, I’m sitting at Starbucks. The day before all these dramatics went down, I had a very important meeting with someone who is interested in one of my scripts. He gave me a lot of good advice and told me to rewrite the script and have it to him by Wednesday… I am having a hard time breathing. I went to the park today, did some yoga, read some of a book, helped a friend out, ate, and now I’m sitting in Starbucks writing the blog and moving to another location because this lady is still reading over my shoulder…
OK. Moved. Better. I think the question in life becomes when to move and when to stay. It seems like such an important skill to learn, but how do you learn it? I have a history of being a bit of a runner when it comes to relationships, jobs, apartments, etc. When things get to a point that I don’t like, I leave. Well, when I was younger I used to stay. I stayed in a very abusive relationship for a long, long time hoping that it would get better and things would change. It never got better, but things changed. For the worse and the worse. So then, after that, I left when things got a little bad. Now I know there must be somewhere in the middle where you don’t have to run immediately, but you don’t have to be abused either…
Now here I am in this situation with sis and #2. Number 2 wants to stay and says things will get better if I tell her how we can work it out. Sis wants to avoid confronting me as long as possible… I want to live in an environment where there is cleanliness and peace of mind and I’d like to be emotionally stable so that I can do a good job on this pivotal draft of my script. My mom wants me to stalk my sister and baby her and make sure that she does what I tell her to do… Do you see the dilemma?
As I am looking at the situation from the outside looking in, it just seems so small and silly. I don’t want to fight these girls, I don’t want to live with them, and I don’t want to mother them, but it seems like I am going to have to do one or all of these things… God help me, please. I’m not even going to blame anyone but myself. In this process, I have prayed and I have made all of the decisions that I was inspired to make. I don’t have any apologies or regrets, except I have learned to speak up immediately when there is a concern and to speak directly to the person who I am having an issue with.
Things with #2 might have been different had I done that. In fact, I’m pretty sure they would have been different. But I still don’t want to live with her. If she stays I’m going to have to do more speaking up than I have the time or energy to do right now. And sis? I think our time has ended… You told me to leave sis alone and let the other one go a long time ago, but I didn’t want to listen. It seemed so mean, but here we are back at the beginning. I tried to be nice, but nice got me so taken advantage of. I like being nice, God. I don’t really like being mean or trying to make people do stuff or having to defend myself against people I’m close to anymore.
You say that if I have a choice, which I always do, I should surround myself with people who are willing and wanting to be nice to me. Even family. I don’t have to be mean to people who are mean to me, and here’s something for me: give people chances. Give them three chances to correct an action that offends you. Sometimes the error is simply ignorance. Make sure I speak up and then if someone continues to disregard or disrespect me, I can move without guilt.
People don’t have any power over us. I think it’s true that we create our own lives. We decide who we welcome into our lives and what we are going to put up with. We decide how much energy we are going to give to certain situations. We decide when to say no and when to say yes, but if we know who we are and what is important to us, it is easier for us to make decisions that are good for us. I am still discovering the fullness of who I am, but at this point, I know what’s important to me. I’m important to me. My sanity and peace of mind is important to me, and it’s really important that I surround myself with people that are good to me and people that I can be good to without them taking advantage of me, because I am just now learning about good again, and I could still use some strengthening in that area
Anyway, this is me working things out today. This is me trying to practice all of the things I’ve been learning. This is my introduction to loving myself without being selfish, or being selfish so I can be selfless. This is me doing what I think is best and taking action towards creating the life that I know I am destined to live. This is me learning to be confident in my decisions. This is me knowing what it really means to trust that everything is going to be all right. This is my life, God. You told me that it’s going to be good. You told me that I had all the tools within me and that I can do this. You told me to Trust You and to keep moving forward on Your word even if I don’t understand everything, and that’s what I’m going to do. The power is in the doing. You can know and believe and trust and think all you want, but things happen when you do something.
Thank you Allah. Ameen.
Day 123
The Power Is In The Doing
8:40pm. Heart busted open. In a good way. In a new things kind of way. This happiness place, it’s not a place. It’s a process. You reach one crossroads and then there is another. And then you master that and then there is another. I think you can recognize that you’re on the other side of happy when the challenges no longer seem daunting, but exciting.
So here we are again. At another crossroads. I am laughing at myself because I see the lesson that has been learnt in my recent housing situation with sis and roomie #2. I have been saying I want to change the world and help the disenfranchised and I got schooled real good. I got two under 21 year-old, not quite teenage girl-women that came to live with me and they asked me, without asking, to be there for them in spite of and because of all they are, and I had to find a way to do it and to be there for myself as well…
Now, I can’t say that I did it all too gracefully, but I can say that I have found a way and learned how to love myself more in the process. Because changing the world starts within. It starts at home. With the things that can really move and affect us. That is where the growth and the challenges are, not in some distant place dealing with some people who we don’t really care about… These are the skills that I’m going to need to do my work. I’m going to have to know how to love people and be compassionate towards people who may not like me or who I may not like. I’m going to have to dig deep and be unbroken in the midst of brokenness, and there is no way to be unbroken but to be healed. There’s just no going around it. Some skills can be read about, talked about, and debated about to death, but there is no way to actually learn about them but to go through the process. These little ladies have been such beautiful blessings…
Within the past twenty-four hours, so much has happened. I will give the seeds time to take hold to the ground before I start to talk about the flowers, but for tonight, can I just be a voice of something good for someone. Life has given me such beautiful gifts, I just want to testify and give them away.
I don’t want to be witty or think too much tonight. I just want to testify. It gets better. Life gets better. It really does. Sometimes you don’t even have to do anything and Grace finds you and lifts you up. And it gets better. And the more of your actual will, the more of your energy you put towards creating a better life and accepting the goodness as it comes, and it always comes, the more fulfillment you will experience in this process we call life.
For a moment, can I share with you? Can I thank you for being with me through the darkest hours of my life as I struggled to find the light? I couldn’t have done it without you. I can see the light now. It has even touched my skin from time to time and I have been present enough to actually experience it as it was happening. Can I thank you? Please let me thank you. Please know that wherever you are, whoever you are, you have done something quite fantastic. You have been there for a stranger who called out for your help and you have helped her to know that she is not alone. You have made a difference to one human being on this Earth and you are worth something.
We don’t always know, you know? We don’t always know that we are worth something just as we are, no matter what we have done or what have let people do to us. I’m rambling now, so I’ll stop here, but it’s true. Life gets better if you let it. Life gets good if you want it. I’m not even going to talk about extraordinary because that makes my heart beat too fast, but in the words of one of my darling little sisters, “The best is yet to come.”
Day 122
It Gets Better
I’m laughing as I’m thinking about the title of this post. It’s 11:45 pm and I’m just getting in after a very, very long day.
My sis and number 2 are mad at me. I care a little bit, but not enough to take me off of this high I’m feeling. I just got off the phone with someone brighter than me and I’ll be headed over to do some work tonight!
I’m excited. Wow. I’m excited about stuff again. Someone works into the wee hours of the night and morning like me and doesn’t think it’s crazy. And this person is really successful… Just like that, someone made me believe that I’m not sorry, or at least that I don’t have to stay that way.
I can’t do anything but laugh at myself right now. I have a lot more to write about. A lot more has happened in just this one day… For now, though, I am excited about writing tonight. I’m excited about the prospect that I don’t have to be sorry anymore. I know it sounds like such a small thing, but really, as I say to my brain, “I don’t have to be sorry anymore”, it already makes a big difference. At some point you just have to stop it…
Thank you God, for this moment. For all moments. For this one second that I can say I am happy.
Ameen.
Day 121
Stop Being Sorry
Good morning!
I’m back. Today is the last day that I will be able to stay at this getaway apartment before I have to go back to my life and my sis and roomie #2.
I’m going to spend this day alone and use this time to reflect, write, and make some more moves towards getting things published. The thing about working independently is that things don’t move unless you do.
I’m going to try again to write in this blog seven days in a row. I’m sure I will be able to do it this time. I’m also going to make a new list and make sure I finish at least one thing from the list for the next seven days. This new list will have categories: family/relationships, finances, professional goals, living conditions, spirituality. Eventually I would like to do one thing that enhances each category a day, but I’ll start with just one thing from the list a day…
I don’t have much to write about today. No big dramas, job offers or book sales. No potential man lurking around in my fantasies. I’m not particularly mad at anyone or wanting to teach anyone any lessons. I’m not even feeling hurt over whatever anyone might have done to me in all my years on this Earth. It’s OK already. I forgive them… I’m off the bed and don’t want to go to sleep or cry, but I’m not inspired to go run outside and sing and dance either. Not depressed… I don’t know what this place is.
Maybe this is what they call peace? There’s nothing here. No wanting. No needing to show anyone anything or make anyone proud. I think maybe this is the beginning of peace. Yeah, that’s sounds about right. My intuition tells me that peace is a thing much more profound than what I am feeling now, and if that is so, then I am humbled already, because even this amount of okayness, I have never felt in my life.
Peace, huh? That’s an actual option. Hello, Peace. My name is Lady. Thank you for staying around. I know, I’ve been so busy going to war with myself and stuff and trying to control everything and pretending I’m someone I’m not just trying to fit in, and running here and there, I didn’t even notice you. It’s so good to finally be aware of your existence…
I wish I could share with you how lovely things can be. I know, I have to be rich and famous and have a million followers and all this other stuff before people will believe me, and I will be those things and have those things before it’s all said and done, because that’s my destiny. But today, I’d like to share with you what I know in my soul already.
I know that it doesn’t matter. You may be poor or rich or have a man or woman or not. You may work at the post office or be a celebrity. You may follow whatever religion and on the outside you may look like a model citizen, but if you don’t have peace of mind, then nothing matters. The happiness, the good stuff, it’s not out there amongst a collection of things and accomplishments, it’s inside you, and the only thing that really matters at the end of the day is what’s inside of you. You can hide out in your room, travel the world, have more friends than you can count or be alone, but wherever you go, there you are. You can’t escape yourself. You can’t escape your thoughts and feelings. They don’t go away no matter how busy you keep yourself or how many drugs you use or how much sex you have or how long you lay in the bed and stay asleep.
You will still be there when you wake up. And one day, if you want to be happy, you will have to take a good look at yourself. We are grown-ups now and we can’t keep blaming everyone else for our lives. Surely, we must have played some part in getting to where we are now, even if it was something so simple as giving our love and trust to people who we knew didn’t love us. It’s ok. We’re still alive. We’re here now. And we can do something different.
I’m sorry I’m talking so much, but I guess I do have something to say today. We are still here. We are still alive and we can do something different now. Right? We can do that. We can say sorry and forgive someone. We can exercise. We can pray. We can earn more money and save some. We can finish our creative projects and submit them and actually give ourselves a chance at being successful. We can apply for new jobs or create the businesses we’ve always dreamed of. There’s really nothing stopping us but ourselves. We can make choices that are good for us.
No one said it’s going to be easy. In fact, at some point, it’s probably going to get hard and you are going to be challenged in the deepest places. So what? What else would you be doing? Crying every day? Waiting to die? Trying to get through the day? Come on, now. We are still alive. We are still alive. Let’s act like it.
Day 120
We Are Still Alive
I didn’t post yesterday. It got that bad…
But today I’m feeling a lot better. I didn’t really do anything to make myself feel better. I tried. Reading and praying and exercising and hanging out with someone peaceful, but I still felt really down. The change happened in my sleep. I had a dream that I was a shape shifter who turned into butterflies and birds. Then, some kind of way, I was with my family and holding my brand new baby nephew. I was teaching him how to say words and he was picking up so quickly and saying them exactly like I taught him. I taught him how to say “movie” and “floor” and “wall”.
When I woke up, I could feel my heart beating again, like I’m alive. I had been feeling a little numb the past couple of days and couldn’t feel anything, but this morning, I feel alive. I think this is what they call Grace. Thank you for waking me up today with the feeling of peace of mind and clarity.
The storm has passed. Three days instead of three months. I’m getting better at this… There is nothing we can do about the weather. Storms will come in spite of our bests efforts. How could they not? We are living in a world with people all going through their own shtuff and if we step outside, it is inevitable that at some point we are going to butt heads with a storm that we may or not be prepared for or, just by being ourselves, bring a challenge to someone else… Whether or not we walk into these episodes unprotected, or go back into the house and wait it out, or get an umbrella, well, I guess those are the decisions that make up our lives…
No matter what we do, it will pass. I am grateful to be learning. The storms will pass. It’s just a matter of time.
Day 119
It Will Pass
OK God. This is three challenging days in a row… My sis and I fell out today. I was supposed to pick her up from an event, but she didn’t come out on time or contact me to tell me she was going to be late. I tried to reach her but no avail, and so an hour and a half after the time I was supposed to get her, I left. Ten minutes after I left, she came out and then called me, but I was already long gone and had another appointment to get to. So I left her there… It was a safe part of town and she could catch the bus but I feel bad about it. And good about it. How about conflicted?
I’m dealing with situations head on now and trying my best to keep some kind of balance between honoring myself and showing the people that I love that I love them, but I don’t think I’m very good at it yet… God, I’m not feeling very good about myself right now and feeling a little embarrassed to be me. It’s like I don’t even know how to function in the world, and things that used to be very simple are so challenging now.
I’m a little mad at you. Because I thought it would be easier. I’m doing my best to live from a deeper place of integrity and I’m creating rifts between me and people I was close to… I don’t want to complain today, but I want you to know that I feel like I need some help with these things. I don’t like to be mean, and I don’t like to have to say no to people I love. It makes me feel bad. But it makes me feel bad when I feel like I’m being used or taken for granted too. It seems like a lose lose situation…
I’m even feeling a little embarrassed about writing this blog today. Like maybe I shouldn’t tell people all of the deep things that I feel and do. They will judge me and talk about me and call me all kinds of names. I am feeling afraid today, God. More afraid than I have felt in a long time. Afraid of being myself. Afraid of expressing myself. Afraid of telling people what I want. Afraid to act on my intuition. I can’t hear your voice, and that scares me the most…
I’d like to come back to the truth, please. Please give me a moment of clarity. Please remove this anger and confusion from my mind and heart. I don’t really want it anymore. Do you understand? I am sincere God. Please teach me how to walk on this Earth with Love and Integrity. I really don’t care about being right any more or teaching lessons or even learning lessons. I will learn them and teach them if that’s what’s needed, but that’s not my objective. I want to be happy, Lord. That’s all. I’d like to experience joy and connectivity for real. I’d like to do what I am here to do on this Earth… I used to be able to walk through and participate in mountains and mountains of drama without being the least bit affected, and now I can not even stomach such small things. You say it’s a good thing, and I’m Okay with that. What I would like though, is who I am, who I know I am on the inside, I would like to be able to show that on the outside. Like my writing. I don’t want people to read one of my scripts and say, “that was unclear.” I would like for what I intended to say and do and be to be said and done and I would like to that woman that I am. I would like my relationships and my life to reflect that, not out of selfish reasons or too much ambition or whatever, but because isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be? Aren’t we supposed to be who we are? I’m not good at doing or being any of the stuff that I’d like to be yet and I’m getting scared now because as I am practicing, I’m hurting people…
You say that this is a test. Is it You talking, God, or just my head? How do I know?… OK… Stopping the questions… Stopping the crying… Taking a moment to breathe in the dark. There is still breath here, in the midst of confusion. Some days you don’t have all the answers. Some days you are not sure about how things are going to work out or even who you are any more and nothing makes sense. In the midst of it all, you can still breathe. You can still breathe… Breathe.
Day 118
Breathe
