Day 117 – Keep Doing What You’re Doing

Taking a deep breath… Rushed home tonight so I could post before midnight. Long day. Helped folks with stuff, paid bills, nursed some sick folk, talked on phone… Didn’t get any of my own work done.

I think that’s part of what makes people depressed. When you can’t see the progress you’ve made in a day or feel some kind of connection in a day, life begins to have a hum drum tone. Was not pleased with the upkeep of my apartment when I went home today, particularly my room…. Don’t like drama anymore. “Gotta find peace of mind”, like Lauryn Hill said.

Digging deeper. Dis-attaching from old life. Missing my last dream of a love come true. Missing surety… Missing a clean apartment with comfy decorations. Life at my apartment has become such a monument to confusion and lack.

Coming back to the middle. Thirty minutes before the clock strikes midnight. Tired of digging deep. Just want to cry. It’s the truth. Don’t want to do it on my own anymore. Don’t want to be the strongest one I know. Don’t want to be the giver all the time. When is it my turn, God? When is it my turn to be Loved?  What do I have to do?…

No answers. Maybe God doesn’t like cry baby’s. I don’t know. I’m tired, though, God. Please. I’m tired of this constant striving. I just want to be there already. I just want to actually get a check for one of my works already. I just want to be in love with someone that I like and we be good to each other already. I just want to live in a healthy and happy living environment already. What’s holding me back? What do I have to do?

I have been trying so hard, Lord, and I’m thankful because I know I’ve come a long way from crying every day. I’ve come a long way from having fantasy relationships with people who really don’t know about love. I have travelled far from the place of just having a dream to taking action towards manifesting it. I no longer trust people who are clearly untrustworthy and I have even found some people that I like in the world, but I’m still not there, God. It’s as if as soon as I make these big strides forward, here comes another thing to push me back. I get a big check and my sis goes flat broke into the negative. I clean my house out and then the dirtiest roommate in the world moves in. I meet a wonderful man and find out he’s mourning from a relationship he just ended the day before he met me… I get a meeting with the perfect person to buy one of my works and then they go through a tragedy right before writing my check. I have a spiritual realization and someone I Love calls me the devil.  Seriously? What’s really going on?

I’m supposed to be telling people about life on the other side of happy, but I’ve only experienced brief moments of it. How can I teach a thing that I don’t know. -You can’t… So what should I do now? -Don’t teach. Just keep doing what you’re doing. Some earthquakes take years to form but just because you do not see the world shake immediately doesn’t mean that nothing is happening. This is where the faith part comes in. Look at this way. You have no choice. You can’t even cry every day any more if you wanted to and as much as you would just like to settle for the status quo, those brief experiences of life on the other side of happy were too strong for you to ever be satisfied with anything else. So you have to move forward. You don’t have to run into your new life or fly into it. It’s OK. You can have bad days. You can have doubts. You can even complain from time to time and ask someone to hold you. Just keep doing what you’re doing. You are on the other side already, you just don’t see it, but soon enough, very soon, you will. Why should you believe Me? Well, you don’t have to believe anything at all. You can go on doubting the truth, even though deep down you know that I am a good God. It is easier if you give up the need to understand everything before you act on what you know…

So, cry a little more if you need to. Curse whoever. Feel sorry for yourself if that makes you feel better. And when you are done, get up, wipe your face, drink some water, and let’s back to business…

Day 117

Keep Doing What You’re Doing