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Day 118 – Breathe

April 7, 2012

OK God. This is three challenging days in a row… My sis and I fell out today. I was supposed to pick her up from an event, but she didn’t come out on time or contact me to tell me she was going to be late. I tried to reach her but no avail, and so an hour and a half after the time I was supposed to get her, I left. Ten minutes after I left, she came out and then called me, but I was already long gone and had another appointment to get to. So I left her there… It was a safe part of town and she could catch the bus but I feel bad about it. And good about it. How about conflicted?

I’m dealing with situations head on now and trying my best to keep some kind of balance between honoring myself and showing the people that I love that I love them, but I don’t think I’m very good at it yet… God, I’m not feeling very good about myself right now and feeling a little embarrassed to be me. It’s like I don’t even know how to function in the world, and things that used to be very simple are so challenging now.

I’m a little mad at you. Because I thought it would be easier. I’m doing my best to live from a deeper place of integrity and I’m creating rifts between me and people I was close to… I don’t want to complain today, but I want you to know that I feel like I need some help with these things. I don’t like to be mean, and I don’t like to have to say no to people I love. It makes me feel bad. But it makes me feel bad when I feel like I’m being used or taken for granted too. It seems like a lose lose situation…

I’m even feeling a little embarrassed about writing this blog today. Like maybe I shouldn’t tell people all of the deep things that I feel and do. They will judge me and talk about me and call me all kinds of names. I am feeling afraid today, God. More afraid than I have felt in a long time. Afraid of being myself. Afraid of expressing myself. Afraid of telling people what I want. Afraid to act on my intuition. I can’t hear your voice, and that scares me the most…

I’d like to come back to the truth, please. Please give me a moment of clarity. Please remove this anger and confusion from my mind and heart. I don’t really want it anymore. Do you understand? I am sincere God. Please teach me how to walk on this Earth with Love and Integrity. I really don’t care about being right any more or teaching lessons or even learning lessons. I will learn them and teach them if that’s what’s needed, but that’s not my objective. I want to be happy, Lord. That’s all. I’d like to experience joy and connectivity for real. I’d like to do what I am here to do on this Earth… I used to be able to walk through and participate in mountains and mountains of drama without being the least bit affected, and now I can not even stomach such small things. You say it’s a good thing, and I’m Okay with that. What I would like though, is who I am, who I know I am on the inside, I would like to be able to show that on the outside. Like my writing. I don’t want people to read one of my scripts and say, “that was unclear.” I would like for what I intended to say and do and be to be said and done and I would like to that woman that I am. I would like my relationships and my life to reflect that, not out of selfish reasons or too much ambition or whatever, but because isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be? Aren’t we supposed to be who we are? I’m not good at doing or being any of the stuff that I’d like to be yet and I’m getting scared now because as I am practicing, I’m hurting people…

You say that this is a test. Is it You talking, God, or just my head? How do I know?… OK… Stopping the questions… Stopping the crying… Taking a moment to breathe in the dark. There is still breath here, in the midst of confusion. Some days you don’t have all the answers. Some days you are not sure about how things are going to work out or even who you are any more and nothing makes sense. In the midst of it all, you can still breathe. You can still breathe… Breathe.

Day 118

Breathe

 

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