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Day 123 – The Power Is In The Doing

April 16, 2012

This is my fourth time attempting to write this blog. I’m sitting at my favorite Starbucks in town and there is a lady unashamedly spying on my computer.

What’s with folks spying on other people’s computers?

It’s been a long three days. The last time I was supposed to write in the blog, I was headed home after going to a movie screening. I thought I was going to meet up with sis and #2 and we were going to talk afterwards, but neither of them showed up. So, after the screening, I stopped by a Starbucks so I could write in the blog…

I just repositioned my computer. It’s weird. The lady is still reading everything I’m writing. I don’t feel comfortable with some stranger all up in my business. I mean, internet strangers are fine, but in-person strangers? No thank you. Hehe.

Anyway… I wasn’t able to get into what I was writing. I felt so confused and angry and scattered about what to do about my house situation with roomie #2 and sis and then I was angry that they stood me up. I typed something up anyway, and just as I was about to publish it, I get a text from #2 and shortly afterwards a text from sis. To make a long story short, they both told me that one of their friends each was stranded at the apartment. One female and one boyfriend…  Stranded. -_-

Now, I should tell you that we don’t have overnight guests at my apartment. We rarely even have visitors, and sis is clear on this. But now, we have  two potential overnight guests. My sis informed me that she is not sending either of them home.

So, you can see where this story might have gone. It ended with me threatening to call the cops, telling sis bf I was filing a restraining order on him, giving #2 an eviction notice, and sis running away with bf. That incident, coupled with a very busy weekend of social activity, has kept me away from the blog. I called my mother (who lives in another state) and got her involved because I think mothers should know when their children run away, and the situation is now escalated to a whole new level of dramatics.

So, I’m sitting at Starbucks. The day before all these dramatics went down, I had a very important meeting with someone who is interested in one of my scripts. He gave me a lot of good advice and told me to rewrite the script and have it to him by Wednesday… I am having a hard time breathing. I went to the park today, did some yoga, read some of a book, helped a friend out, ate, and now I’m sitting in Starbucks writing the blog and moving to another location because this lady is still reading over my shoulder…

OK. Moved. Better. I think the question in life becomes when to move and when to stay. It seems like such an important skill to learn, but how do you learn it? I have a history of being a bit of a runner when it comes to relationships, jobs, apartments, etc. When things get to a point that I don’t like, I leave. Well, when I was younger I used to stay. I stayed in a very abusive relationship for a long, long time hoping that it would get better and things would change. It never got better, but things changed. For the worse and the worse. So then, after that, I left when things got a little bad. Now I know there must be somewhere in the middle where you don’t have to run immediately, but you don’t have to be abused either…

Now here I am in this situation with sis and #2. Number 2 wants to stay and says things will get better if I tell her how we can work it out. Sis wants to avoid confronting me as long as possible… I want to live in an environment where there is cleanliness and peace of mind and I’d like to be emotionally stable so that I can do a good job on this pivotal draft of my script. My mom wants me to stalk my sister and baby her and make sure that she does what I tell her to do… Do you see the dilemma?

As I am looking at the situation from the outside looking in, it just seems so small and   silly. I don’t want to fight these girls, I don’t want to live with them, and I don’t want to mother them, but it seems like I am going to have to do one or all of these things… God help me, please. I’m not even going to blame anyone but myself. In this process, I have prayed and I have made all of the decisions that I was inspired to make. I don’t have any apologies or regrets, except I have learned to speak up immediately when there is a concern and to speak directly to the person who I am having an issue with.

Things with #2 might have been different had I done that. In fact, I’m pretty sure they would have been different. But I still don’t want to live with her. If she stays I’m going to have to do more speaking up than I have the time or energy to do right now. And sis? I think our time has ended… You told me to leave sis alone and let the other one go a long time ago, but I didn’t want to listen. It seemed so mean, but here we are back at the beginning. I tried to be nice, but nice got me so taken advantage of. I like being nice, God. I don’t really like being mean or trying to make people do stuff or having to defend myself against people I’m close to anymore.

You say that if I have a choice, which I always do, I should surround myself with people who are willing and wanting to be nice to me. Even family. I don’t have to be mean to people who are mean to me, and here’s something for me: give people chances. Give them three chances to correct an action that offends you. Sometimes the error is simply ignorance. Make sure I speak up and then if someone continues to disregard or disrespect me, I can move without guilt.

People don’t have any power over us. I think it’s true that we create our own lives. We decide who we welcome into our lives and what we are going to put up with. We decide how much energy we are going to give to certain situations. We decide when to say no and when to say yes, but if we know who we are and what is important to us, it is easier for us to make decisions that are good for us. I am still discovering the fullness of who I am, but at this point, I know what’s important to me. I’m important to me. My sanity and peace of mind is important to me, and it’s really important that I surround myself with people that are good to me and people that I can be good to without them taking advantage of me, because I am just now learning about good again, and I could still use some strengthening in that area

Anyway, this is me working things out today. This is me trying to practice all of the things I’ve been learning. This is my introduction to loving myself without being selfish, or being selfish so I can be selfless. This is me doing what I think is best and taking action towards creating the life that I know I am destined to live. This is me learning to be confident in my decisions. This is me knowing what it really means to trust that everything is going to be all right. This is my life, God. You told me that it’s going to be good. You told me that I had all the tools within me and that I can do this. You told me to Trust You and to keep moving forward on Your word even if I don’t understand everything, and that’s what I’m going to do. The power is in the doing. You can know and believe and trust and think all you want, but things happen when you do something.

Thank you Allah. Ameen.

Day 123

The Power Is In The Doing

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2 Comments
  1. You could have started to write about your homicidal urges to strike out at random strangers at Starbucks – that you were going to start with the nosy ones 🙂

    In 28 font.

  2. LOL. That’s a good one.

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