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Day 116 – Say No

April 5, 2012

I just wrote a really long entry. It was 864 words and it was a big thing about me whining and complaining so that someone could feel sorry for me.

I Love being able to work through things in my writings. So, by the end of the entry I just wrote, I learned something. I learned to say no when I want to say no, instead of trying to be nice and saying yes to things that I really don’t want to do just to end up saying no in the long run after I have reached the end of my rope.

I went to my apartment today to be there for the maintenance man and came face to face with the situations I’ve been trying to avoid, and then I ran back to my getaway apartment and I’ve been sleeping and procrastinating most of the day. It’s 11pm now, and my commitment to writing in this blog every day this week has gotten me off the bed and I think I’ll stay up and do some more things now.

I’m not going to blame this blog on God today. This is just me thinking and working things out. If you allow it, there will always be someone “needing” something from you. There will be children to nurse and mouths to feed. Someone is always doing worse off than us and could always use our help. At some point, though, we have to make ourselves important too. We have to make our dreams important. We have to make our health important, not just physical, but mental and emotional too. At some point, we have to say, “This is not good for me. And I know it’s going to hurt such and such person or let this person down, but I can’t really  engage in this relationship in this way without setting myself backwards,” and we have to do something different or suffer the consequences. If we are lucky, the people we love will understand, and maybe they will love us too and help us to do what is good for us, or at least not be an impediment…

I’ve had a hard day today. In the past, this would be the beginning of a depressive cycle that would last indefinitely, and I thank you, God, because I’m saying no to that. No. It’s not going happen that way this time. No. I’m not going to get all depressed and feel sorry for myself. I mean, I did that already today and I can do something else now. No. I’m not going to just run away and escape from the things that bother me. I’m going to look the demons in the face and call them by their names so they can disappear once and for all! No. I’m not going to stop moving forward again. I’m not. Not anymore. I’m not overextending myself anymore. I’m not putting myself last anymore. I’m not going to be the only giver in the relationships that I choose anymore. No. I’m not going to be the only one who says sorry and tries to make peace. No, I’m not going to be the only one who remembers birthdays and takes care of people when they are sick. I’m not going to be the only one who asks how one’s day is and listens. I’m not doing that anymore. No. I’m not going to be the only supportive one, and yes, I’m still going to be nice. Yes, I’m still going to Love. Yes, I’m scared to say it, but yes, I’m going to start Loving myself now. I’m going to start Loving myself now, but God, I don’t want to be one of those mean, self-centered, selfish people who only love themselves. I don’t want to be a pushover either. I’d like to be able to say no to the usurious a*s holes of the world and yes to the nice people. I’d like to have a mutual give and take in my personal circle. I’d like to be able to help the folks that I want to help without being negatively affected by them. Are these things possible? You say I have to grow up some more first and that’s OK with me. I’m okay with growing up. Can we make this change now? I think it might just be possible…

I’m feeling like a little two year old. No! Haha. No, no, no, no, no! I can say no and still say yes. What a concept. No. And yes. And no…

Day 116

Say No


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