Day 186 – Come What May

Gypsy days are over!!! I’m back in my apartment…

It feels strange. It’s safe here. Much different than all the other places I’ve been this past month. It took all that for me realize that I actually like my apartment. Of course, things could be better, etc, etc, but I have discovered that things could be much much worse. My apartment is clean, and it’ spacious, and it lets in light everywhere, and when I look out of the windows I see trees, and when I open the windows, fresh air comes in, and it’s good vibes in here and I am grateful to be back home…

Thank You, God.

I had a bunch of dreams last night, and I woke up thinking about Dream Lover. I checked my email and phone and saw that I have several bills to pay soon and it was really cold in here. I started panicking. Sometimes it seems like everything has changed and then it seems like I’m back in survival mode again. I joined this writing class, which starts today, and I was wondering if I should use my extra money to pay these bills instead of going to the class.

I went to say my prayers so I could get my mind right, but Dream Lover was still on the mind. Sometimes I see him, in my prayers and meditations, and he’s usually mean, with his arms crossed, not wanting to talk to me, but today he was nice. We were reminiscing on all the good times we had together. Sometimes I have to ask myself if those times really happened. I was so happy with him. It wasn’t that long ago, but it seems like a lifetime ago that we were walking through the park together, joking around and dancing together and Loving each other. And I hadn’t thought about him in a good way in a while, but today, while I was praying, I saw him. And he was nice. And he said sorry. For everything. He said that he had tried his best, and I know he tried his best. He had a lot of fear. And so did I. And I said sorry. And I forgave him. And he forgave me. Because we hurt each other a lot. I attacked him with my words just like New Guy Old Guy had attacked me, and I didn’t realize how much words could hurt a sensitive person. And he just left. And he didn’t realize that I actually loved the mess out of him and him leaving was a big deal to me… We had this whole dialogue in my prayers, and sometimes I wonder what really goes on. I wonder if he was somewhere praying at the same time, having the same dialogue with me, or if I was just making everything up in my head to soothe myself. There have been so many instances in my life where I’ll pray or meditate and I’ll be talking to someone in my prayers, and then when I see or talk to them in real life, they had been thinking or feeling just the things that had occurred in our imaginary dialogues. So I don’t know. I don’t know how much it matters, but I was glad that I was finally able to see him in a good light this morning, because after all is said and done, having loved him and been with him for the brief time that we were together was phenomenal…

The journey isn’t over yet, though. I want to be able to tell you that I made it. I want to be able to say, Hey, go buy my book or watch my movie. In fact, I’ll give you free tickets. I want to be able to talk about the Love of my life that actually lasted. I’d like to tell you that I’m completely debt free whatever and talk about my inventions that are actually being used. I have much in me, Allah. When will it come out?

When I come home, I have to deal with myself. No distractions here. Just a prayer mat, sage, green juice and truth. I have come a long a way, that’s for sure. I’m not crying every day any more, and most of the time if I’m crying these days, it’s out of gratitude or joy or sweet release. I don’t have much drama in my personal life anymore, and the few relationships that I do have are positive. I’m completing and submitting projects, slowly but surely. I meet different kinds of men these days. Some days it feels like my life is right around the corner, like one thing could change everything. One job. One sale. One man. One move. And then other days, like today, it seems like I have such a long way to go.

It’s really frustrating when you put yourself out there and you give your all and try your best and things don’t go as anticipated… But what else can you do? What else can I do, God? I need you to talk to me. I need You. This life I have on the outside is not the life I have on the inside. It’s not who I really am. I am so much more than this. This spending all my time and energy on basic survival stuff just won’t do anymore. I’ve got work to do! I’ve got Love to give! I’m bursting at the seams here yearning to make something good of my life and it’s not about how not to cry every day any more. I’m over that. Like my preacher said, “pain pushes until vision pulls”, and I’m not in pain anymore. I’m not in despair. Pain and despair have served me well, but now I have a vision for my life and I need your help, God, because I don’t know how I’m going to accomplish it. I just know that I can’t quit. I’ve quit before. Over and over again, but the vision doesn’t go away. And now I’m not afraid of it. Now I know that I’m worthy. Now I know that I’m able. Now I know that I can handle greatness and excellence. I couldn’t even speak the word before, but now I’m speaking it, and I’m speaking it out loud.

God, You said that You are for us, and not against us. You said that if we come to You in earnest and seek to live a life of integrity, then You will clear a way for us and make all things possible. You said that if we repent and are willing to do the work, then ours will be a good life, and I am willing. I am ready. I am committed. I am saying Yes. I am choosing to look beyond appearances and proclaim that even in this moment life is good. I am choosing gratitude in this moment. I am choosing strength and spiritual power, and I am opening my arms and my mind, come what may. This is a good life. This is an excellent life. This is a life worth living…

Day 186

Come What May