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Day 185 – Wherever You Go, There You Are…

November 9, 2012

Good morning World,

It’s been a few days. I’ve been house hopping, applying for jobs, going on interviews, applying for writing programs and sending out more query letters,  and spending time with people… Something about the smell of this house makes me want to throw up… About to throw up…

Whew. Out of house and in the car now. I thought I was going to chill in the house today, but I see my body isn’t having that. This entry may not be that long, because I’m sitting in a car that’s not so comfy and the sun is shining directly on me, but I just feel like I need to write. This is my therapy. This is how I make it through the day and actually evaluate what I’m doing with my life… I don’t know how I’ve survived without this.

And after spending time with all these different people this past month or so, I see that so many people could use a bit of alone time to evaluate their lives. We get all caught up with any distraction we can think of: relationship dramas, TV, internet and so many entertainment options, work and ambition that we really don’t care about…Why are we so afraid to sit still, God? I love coming back to you. I love asking the questions. I love taking a moment to see what’s really going on with me and to do things on purpose…

Within this past month, I found my confidence again. I realized that I’m valuable and I have a lot to offer even if it’s not material things. I tapped into the place that knows that it’s possible for my dreams to come true, I recommitted myself to peace at all costs, I thought about a five year plan, and I feel able to do things again. And I’m doing them. And I feel safe now. I know I can come back to the world and still be sensitive and not get all broken, because I care about myself now.  And it makes a difference. It makes a difference when you take a moment and then another moment to really contemplate who you are and what you are doing with this thing called life. Because when you step outside, especially if you’re a person like me who likes to interact with the world, all kinds of people will be there, and some of them will have agendas, and things they want you to do. You will find all kinds of choices and options on how to spend every moment of your day. If you don’t know who you are and what you stand for, then it is so easy to be swept away. It so easy to get caught up in some stuff you don’t believe in and you might find that years go by in confusion. Years. Trust me, I know…

So Lord, I thank you for this moment. I thank you for the gift in this blog. I thank you for this month long experiment on humility and self-knowledge and asking and accepting. I thank you for the growth and the transformation that is finally taking place in my life. Mostly I thank you for allowing me to be alive to see this day. Everyone doesn’t make it. Some people have never seen a day of peace in their lives. Some people have never known love or what it feels like not to be at war with anyone. I had been at war with anyone who would fight me for some time, so I know what it’s like to have a constant frown, and I know what it’s like to think that your life isn’t sh*t, and I know loneliness and poverty and loss, and I know what happens to a dream deferred. I actually understand the Langston Hughes poem now. A dream deferred stinks like rotten meat. It sags like a heavy load. It dries up like a raisin in the sun. It does all of that. But it never goes away. It just hides out and shows up when you least expect it: as bitterness, envy, hatred, depression and anger, amongst other things…

We have been looking for heroes. We have been looking for answers and saviors. Distractions to make it through the day. We have been thinking that someone, somewhere was gonna give us something, and just biding our time here hoping that someday, somewhere, someone was gonna make it all good. But even if we are blessed by grace and someone does drop a bundle of goodness into our laps, it is up to us to sustain it. It is up to us to do our own work. It is up to us to bring our own good things and cultivate our own good relationships and contribute. It is up to us to stop running from all the things we are scared of. It is up to us to make this a life worth living, because, front as we may, when we lay down to sleep, or even in our dreams, we cannot escape the truth of our lives. Wherever we go, we can not escape ourselves…

Day 185

Wherever You Go, There You Are…

From → The Good Stuff

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