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Day 193 – Bring The Party

December 1, 2012

I am in such a good mood today… Man, suffering is the mother of appreciation! I am so excited, but let me calm my nerves and focus…

Where should I start? I started writing this blog early this morning and was three quarters, but then I got distracted and had to take care of some things, and now it’s 2:40 in the afternoon, and I still have some more things to do, but I wanted to check in. Writing is good for me. It sorts everything out in my head…

I’ve just been giddy all day, though, and it’s hard for me to write about somber stuff like crying and the meaning of life when I’m feeling like this. So, I guess today is not a somber day. I guess today I just have to write about joy and happy things. Let’s see how this goes…

A friend of mine paid my phone bill today. He didn’t try to hit on me or act like I owed him anything. He said that I need my phone active if I’m gonna get a job ASAP. I asked him why he was being so nice to me and he said, “You’re a nice person. Why wouldn’t I be nice to you?”

Last night I saw Mr. Almost Famous on Facebook chat, and was inspired to write a poem about him. Then when I went to sleep, I had a long, detailed dream about him. Nothing nasty, but it was so vivid. And then when I woke up this morning, I spilled my guts and told him about my poem and my dream. I haven’t really communicated with him in a couple of months, but he was nice to me. He didn’t call me weird or a stalker, and I don’t even think he thinks I’m weird… It is the first time in my entire life that I have had a crush on a guy who has has been nothing but kind to me. He doesn’t lie to me. He keeps his word. He doesn’t judge me or try to make me act a way that I’m not, and, even though he could have had plenty of opportunity, he doesn’t try to take advantage of my weaknesses. And this morning, it just dawned on me that none of his behavior has anything to do with me. I think he’s kind to everyone. He brings the kind. And he brings the strong, ‘cus he’s not a punk. He brings it, though, and that is why I always feel so alive in his presence. Because he brings the life. It’s an on purpose thing on his part, and for once, it has nothing to do with me…

I can finally see that. I can see when people do things on purpose. When people bring things on purpose. My friend did an intentional act of kindness when he paid my phone bill. It wasn’t a ploy to get anything from me. It was him just wanting to give and me being a receptive space for the offering. I am humbled today, God. This is a new life opening up for me. This is a new way of relating to others…

I just got distracted again. My ex, the one who was the catalyst of this downward spiral that ended up with me crying every day, just sent me a text telling me he’s still in love with me. Hmm. Go figure… This downward spiral and this blog might have been the best thing that ever happened to me, because it has forced me to dig really really deep and find out what really matters to me in this life.

You know something? I was walking earlier today and thinking about Mr. Almost Famous and his kind, empowering ways. And I was thinking about all the guys I’ve ever dated. The ones I had fallen in love with always had massive, big lives, but I never felt big standing next to them. In fact, I always felt small and unable when I was with them. It was almost like a silent agreement between us. Their bigness validated my silent insecurities about being small, and me being small made them feel big. I was never happy with them if they exhibited weakness and they were never really happy if I did things on my own. It would set off a fear in us. They would be afraid that I would leave them if I could do things on my own, and I would be afraid that if they were weak, they couldn’t save me.

But I don’t need saving anymore. I am already saved once I accept that I don’t need saving. The same Source of life, the same Power that flows through those men, flows through me, female style, and I can do things on my own now. And it’s not even that I want to do things on my own, like I used to. You know, that independent woman let me prove that I don’t need anybody stuff? No. I’m not in that place. I know I need people, just like people need me, and I love helping and giving and receiving and connecting with folks. But I also know that I don’t need to stand next to a big, powerful man to feel big and powerful. I have a right to be happy even in my smallness. Even in my weakness. Even now, with everything falling apart and falling together, I can bring the big and the powerful and the happy. I can bring the Love. I can bring the grace with a single intentional word, with a simple act of kindness.

The other day my little sis introduced a new slang term to me. She was talking about a girl that just went to a party and waited for folks to entertain her, saying that the girl didn’t bring the party. And I get it. At some point, we have to be the cause of our experiences in life, instead of sitting around waiting to react to what people give us, and we have to be the cause again and again if we think it’s important enough, in spite of what people may bring us. That is the only way to create real change… I’m actually going to a party tonight, and I am so excited. It’s gonna be a good time no matter what, because I’m bringing myself. All of me. I’m bringing it…

Day 193

Bring The Party

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