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Day 187 – Resurrection Of The Dream

November 14, 2012

Good morning World,

I’m sitting at home on my bed. Woke up good today. Worked a background acting gig yesterday. Came home pretty tired. Spent a lot of time in prayer…

Joined that writing class on Monday. They said we should write every day, no matter what it is. They also said we should dedicate ten hours a week to working on one particular project, and break the ten hours up into at least five days of 1 and a half to two hour sessions. The teacher said it teaches discipline, keeps the mind focused on our project, and forces us to be efficient and constructive with our time.

Today. Discipline is the name of the game today. Faith is the name of the game. Life seems to ebb and flow…

We have come too far on this journey to turn back. We have come too far to stop. Today I would like to dig a little deeper, God. I need some strength and faith. All the familiar comforts of my life have fallen away. There is no man to like and fantasize about. There is nothing concrete on the horizon that I can look forward to. My old life is falling apart right before my eyes, and I don’t even want to save it. At my spiritual center, one of the speakers said that we should stop trying to save the world. There are a lot of ideas and opinions and customs and ways of living that aren’t worth saving. He said that we should focus on creating a new world, one that reflects a higher consciousness…

These thoughts are kind of deep, even for me. My old life wasn’t that bad. I guess I’ve had different lives in my life, and my California life has been way different than my life before I came here. It’s funny. I liked my life down South much better, but I have grown tremendously because of California, and now my life down South won’t fit… California is about business. And success. It is Love starved. It’s an opportunistic and self-serving place in general… This is quite a city for growing up. A city of dreamers. A city where your mommy is no longer with you, and you have to do it on your own…

I live in the City of Angels, and angels are much needed here. I’m thinking of the book “The Alchemist”. The main character Diego goes on a journey to find his treasure, not knowing what his treasure is, but only knowing that it does exist. Geez. I have come to this. What a place to be. There is nothing on the outside that gets me off of the bed these days. No dangling carrot. No somebody that I want to see. No problems to solve. Not seeking some random entertainment or distraction. Only the thought that I have work to do, that I have a treasure to find and give…

God, You say that this is a good place to be, and I say OK. This has been quite a year, huh? We have been a lot of places. We have done a lot of cleaning and soul searching. We have learned a lot. And now we are learning about taking responsibility for our lives. This is the new thing, huh God? I am remembering a song, “Orinoco Flow”, and the line, “That will be the return to yourself. A return to innocence.”   What a song. Someone knew something and they wrote about it. And I heard that song over fifteen years ago, and I’m just now understanding it. And it’s beautiful.

I am remembering a time before I knew heartbreak. I am remembering a time before disappointment and failure. I am remembering a time when I had a best friend that I really shared everything with and she shared everything with me. I am remembering the days when I believed that I would be a writer and a teacher and a mommy, the days when I thought traveling the world and meeting all kinds of people would be quite a life. I am remembering myself. I am still that girl, but I am a woman now. I have seen the other side, and I know that heartbreak does exist. And disappointment. And failure. And sometimes friends drift apart, and sometimes dreams are only dreams and they never come true.

But this is the funny part. We grow up, and we see the bad stuff, and we forget the good stuff, but the good stuff still exists, right alongside the other stuff. Love still exists, and we can still love in that same kind of way that we loved before that one person broke our hearts. It takes a little courage, but it’s still possible. And even after having failed at something, we are still worthy of success. It can still happen.

And the resurrection of a dream. Oh, that’s the best part for me. You can still live your dream, even if you haven’t done it yet. When you are a grown-up, people tell you to be realistic, and that’s a good thing. We live in the world. But what many of us don’t talk about is the fact that your dream could be your reality, or at least you could set it up so that your dream becomes someone else’s reality, like Martin Luther King had a dream that we are all now living…

I just got a call that my car is ready to be picked up. After more than a month of being in the shop, I get my baby back! I’m glad.

The world can fall apart. I remember when that healer lady told me to get excited because I was going to die! LOL. My old world can fall apart. It’s fine. It no longer represents what I’m becoming and where I’m going with my life. I’m about good Love with people who are ready, willing, and able to share good Love with me now. I’m about openness combined with wisdom. I’m about integrity and joy and purpose. I’m about honesty and trust. And I’m about powerful people (we are all powerful), who recognize that they are able to do things in the world and are willing to do them without trying to bring others down on the way. The cool folks. These are my new folks. It’s all right if I’m not on their level yet. I’m gonna get there real soon. It’s in me…

In the meantime, I’ll take it day by day. This day is the first day of my life and it could be the last. I’m gonna live it…

Day 187

Resurrection Of The Dream

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From → The Good Stuff

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