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Day 184 – It’s Your Life

November 4, 2012

I can’t keep up. From day to day so many internal changes. It’s a good thing… Today was a fantastic day.

I want to tell you what happened, but first I will tell you the most fantastic part of all. It’s the peace of mind I feel right now. It’s the clarity that is here. It is the knowledge that everything is all right, that I am on the right path. I know that some people don’t respect feelings and all the inside stuff that can’t be seen, but I am of the deep suspicion that happiness is and has never been about anything but feelings and the inside stuff, at least my happiness, and the debates go on. Some say feelings are impermanent and fickle, some say material things come and go and can be swept away by hurricanes, and some (like me) say it’s all about you.

It’s your life. And what matters to you is ultimately what matters…

Today I yelled at a man like a little kid yells. New Guy Old Guy. It was so liberating. He had been yelling at me for the past few weeks. Just talking and talking and talking and trying to force me to listen to his abuse. Literally. And I had been listening. And engaging. His subtle (and not so subtle) hints that something was wrong with me. Covert and overt power plays, etc etc. I ran into him at a restaurant today, and everything was semi cool, until he made a pass at me and I didn’t respond. His face changed and I noted it. I called him “sensitive”. Why did I do that? He started on a tirade about how he wasn’t sensitive and how I couldn’t affect him and on and on and on. He asked me a question and when I started to talk, he cut me off and continued with his tirade. Then I asked him why we are even talking when he doesn’t  listen to anything I  say. He went on and on and on about how he’s talking and he doesn’t have to listen, and I became so furious. “NOOOO! I’M NOT LISTENING TO YOU!!!” I screamed. He immediately backed off and walked away. He called me crazy or some name, but it was OK. I’m not crazy. Maybe I am. It doesn’t even matter to me.

“Don’t ever let anyone make you feel guilty for something you didn’t do.” It’s the best thing my first love ever said to me. He would have been proud of me. He would have told me that I should have knocked that dude out, trying to make me feel like sh*t and abuse me just ‘cus I wasn’t feeding his ego. But I didn’t knock him out. I just knocked him out of my life, and that’s enough for me. I’m proud of me that I can stand up for myself…

Before that, I went to my spiritual center, and I saw the big handsome man with the big hands again. This time, he was sitting about five seats down from me. I wanted to thank him for his prayer the week before. I wanted to tell him how he had busted my heart open and helped me to mourn my father for the first time. I wanted to thank him for being strong and gentle and lovely, but he’s so handsome, I didn’t want him to feel like I was hitting on him. So I sat there for a while taking deep breaths, but my spirit wasn’t having it. In one breath, I got up and scooted to the seat next to him. He was meditating and I disturbed him. He didn’t look at me, but leaned his ear in to hear me, and I don’t know what I said. I didn’t say everything the way I had rehearsed it in my mind, but I told him that he had blessed me the week before, and I was thankful. Then he looked at me for the first time. He asked me my name and I told him. He told me his name and shook my hand, and then said “peace”. People have told me that I have a healing touch before, and I’ve only felt a healing touch once before today, but this guy, I’ll call him Nameless, had a healing touch, a healing hand shake, for God’s sake!

And I went back to my seat. And I saw him ask the ushers for a tissue from the corner of my eye. And I saw him wiping his eyes… Before the end of service, he got up to leave, but he stopped at the seat next to me. He put his hand, his big healing hand, on my leg, and he looked me in the eye again. He told me, “Thank you for your words earlier. They really touched my heart. Have a great weekend”, and I smiled and said you’re welcome. And I hadn’t even thought about it. What if nobody had ever told him he was a blessing before? What if he had just gotten through arguing with someone, and they had tried to make him feel like sh*t, like New Guy Old Guy had done to me? What if he’s going to go home and mourn his mother for the first time, like I had done my father after he blessed me with his prayer?

And you can’t tell me miracles aren’t real. You can’t tell me that change doesn’t happen, because I am witnessing it up close and personal. Never in my life have I been aware of such kind people, sitting right next to me, living with me, communicating with me… There are phenomenal beings walking the Earth with us. We can be them. We don’t just have to read their books or watch their films or go to their seminars. We can be those people who uplift each other and know them up close and personal.

The catch is, they don’t hang out with vampires. They are sensitive by nature and they know that vampires have power, too. They walk amongst vampires every day, and they can hold their own if they get attacked, but in their inner circle, only goodness is allowed. They know that home is a place to rest and recuperate and rejuvenate…

You know I always used to try and “fix” people. Find these folks that I thought just needed a little bit of love, or some coaxing. Most people are good at the core, or at least I think so, but I used to be on these “fixing” missions in my personal life. It never works. Your inner circle is not about fixing. It’s about liking and accepting the people you come home to and wanting to be a part of their vibration… Write a book or volunteer or teach a class if you’re on a mission to fix… Pray for them from a distance…

My Dad used to say, when you see Satan, don’t try to be his friend. Don’t try to change him. Don’t even judge him. A snake is going to be a snake… Walk away or knock him out if you have to, but disengage. Snake bites are infectious and can be deadly…

I am humbled by the greatness that I have encountered over this past month. I am humbled by the kindness and open hearts that I have come across. I didn’t know that such good people existed in the world. Never before did I think that I was worthy of the presence of such healers, but now I think I can hang. I am stronger. I am more kind. I am worthy. I’ve still got a ways to go, but the journey is exciting. The journey is a blast…

Day 184

It’s Your Life

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From → The Good Stuff

2 Comments
  1. collatzvitality permalink

    This is the only post I have read of yours but it touched me especially the part about fixing people. I have also been one to seek out people to fix throughout my life until one day I realized what I was doing and how their negative energy was clinging to me. You can’t touch wet paint and not have your hand get wet. Coming to terms with the fact you can’t fix or change anyone is very difficult especially for the ones, such as me, that love to control their own destiny, and get used to manipulating every aspect of our lives to suit ourselves. Its very hard to realize affecting or own realities and affecting other people’s are two different things as everyone has different perspectives, You are so right: choose the type of people with vibrationsyou want to be around. Don’t choose people and then try to change their vibration. Good luck:)

    • Yes! Letting people be themselves and choosing to be around people that vibe with you can be a challenge, but I’m hoping that it will be a worth while choice… Thank you for reading. 🙂

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