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Day 190 – On Purpose

November 25, 2012

One of those days. Morning. Thinking about failures. Unsuccessful relationships. The loss of my mom’s house. The imminent heal the world trip that I was supposed to go on next month that I probably won’t make. They were waiting for me to lead them, but I was over here worried about survival stuff instead of planning.

I could have gone back home and that way I wouldn’t have had to worry about survival and I would have been able to plan the heal the world trip. I could have quit film school and saved my mom’s house. I could have just stayed with any one of my random relationships and it would have worked itself out by now…

I watched Cloud Atlas yesterday. One of those movies you either love or hate. I loved it. It was about the interconnectivity of everyone and how one’s purpose carries over from lifetime to lifetime until it is fulfilled. I thought it was an awesome portrayal of the possibilities of reincarnation. Whether or not I believe in that theory doesn’t matter. The movie did what any great work of art does: it made me come home and reassess my life and wonder about the possibilities… There was a line in the movie. One of the characters was questioning what decision to make, and the main character said: “Do the thing that you can’t not do”…

So, I’m sitting here wondering what is the thing that I can’t not do now. You see, this writing thing, this is my dream. This is for me. It is the thing that I can’t not do. Maybe it will help others, or maybe I will write an awesome movie or book that causes someone’s life to change, but I don’t write because I want to heal the world. I write because I have never been able to not write, because writing heals me and I Love it. But the other stuff, getting my mom a house or helping people or going overseas to make a difference in a way that I know only I can, that is stuff that I want to do for others on purpose and I know I can do. I think there is a part of me that can’t not do those things either. My life is all of it, but it’s none of it at this moment.

I have been reaching, Allah, into the fabric of it All. Reaching deep deep into the truth of it All, reaching to see what matters in a life. And You said this part should be on purpose, not just a rambling or a hoping, but an intentional decision of how We are to live, and intentional decisions are always wrought with hope and faith, because underneath an intentional decision is the belief that what you are choosing to create or have or do could actually come to pass. And so I am putting every ounce of hope and faith into these thoughts, into these decisions that come. Because I want to do it all, Allah, all of it.

I am not sure about what matters in the grand scheme of things. I am far removed from the books they said I should follow and the rules of my momma and society that were supposed to guide my life. How does one decide to move out to a city far from their nuclear family and pursue a challenging objective rather than stay home and do what’s safe? How does one decide whether to marry a person one doesn’t love or wait for a fictional something that may never happen? You know, these things are important. We spend so much time making reactionary, fear-based choices for our lives. We choose to live in a particular place because we are afraid of what might happen somewhere else, and we choose to be with this person because we don’t want to be lonely and we choose this job because we don’t want to be poor…

I have been trying to choose from a creationist place, God, but man, the results have been proving all the things that the scared people believe: that if you don’t follow the rules and do the scared people stuff and get some job some where and marry some safe dude that you don’t love and live near to people who will at least watch your kids even though you all hate each other, then you will become a lonely old nobody with no accomplishments. I am the scared people’s biggest fear and their biggest hope. Because even though I appear to be a lonely old nobody, I am a lonely old nobody with nothing to lose and the possibility of a dream coming true. The impossible dream come true seems like it just may be slightly possible for me for some reason. I know this. And God, I know that my family is looking to me to succeed. People I know and don’t know are looking to me to succeed. They are looking to me to prove that thing that people are so scared to hope. They are hoping that it is possible that if one sticks to one purpose, in spite of all the seeming disasters… they are hoping that it is possible that the dream will come true. They are hoping that I will show them that the dream can come true with my life, and I am hoping the same…

Because the dream is not my dream, Allah, it is Your dream for me. It has been in me as long as I can remember, and I am pretty sure that if I die and don’t fulfill it, the dream will not die… Like Teena Marie said in her song Deja Vu, I don’t want to come back here again. I’d like to get it right this lifetime. There is still time to get it right. The pity party is over. The time for being disempowered is over. I am reaching, Oh God, into You. They are waiting for me to do it, You see, and if that’s all my life is about, then that’s cool with me. I would live for that. I think that would be a life well lived. To give people hope. To experience the joy and aliveness that only comes when you are in alignment with your Purpose. That would be a fantastic life. Everything would be worth it. The person who plants an oak tree knows that they will never see the oak tree grow to it’s true potential, but the tree will remain after her death and provide so much for so many, and oh, the joy of planting!

Today I will walk in the direction of doing the things that I can’t not do. I will plant more seeds that may blossom into the life that I am here to live…

Day 190

On Purpose

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