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Day 249 – More Than Words

September 29, 2013

So, It’s been a while. They cancelled my blog, so I haven’t written. But I miss writing.

But I don’t have time now, because I just sat on the phone for an hour arguing with a guy who flaked on me this morning and was trying to talk about me for living my life on a schedule….

I’ve forgotten how to do the blog thing now. I’m supposed to just write what was on my mind, but it was purposeful. I don’t know what the subject matter is for now. I think this is the last part, though. The initiation. Actually, I know this is the last part. I am already on the other side of happy. Now I am learning how to actually live this way in my day to day as I interact with people and come out into the world.

I’m not home that much anymore. I spend nine hours a day at work and then two hours writing, so I’m pretty much out of the house doing something from 7:15am to 8pm. Then I come home. I’m tired, but not that tired. I’m not really dating anymore. I meet guys literally every single day. I talk to them. Maybe we go out once or twice. They try to hit on me. They say something I don’t like. They ask me to change my schedule for them. They flake. They get mad that I work so much. Some offer to help (with a catch). They want to spend the night or try to get all up close and personal…. It makes me miss Dream Lover…. He was horrible, but he wasn’t imposing. He never asked me for sex. He was respectful. And his vibe was amazing. So high. I felt like I was living in clouds.

I think I’m holding out for that. Not him, but that. Some guy that I feel lifted by just by being in his presence. Some guy that I just get along with. Maybe I have become inflexible, but I don’t think so. I finally am getting my life together. Y’all know it has taken me a long time. I have been struggling with survival stuff for a good year now, and just this month, just this month, I am finally going to be able to pay all of my rent and bills by myself. I have tried to rely on men. They let me down. They make promises and take them away. Only follow-through halfway. My mom and my family and my close friends have been my support system through this time, not some dude.

So I don’t feel apologetic for putting my work ahead of all these silly wanna be relationships. They will not pay the rent if I can’t pay it. Some of them couldn’t even pay the rent if they wanted to because they can barely take care of their own selves…

I would like a man, though. My script is almost done. I have a producer already. I’m actually going to be in pre-production very very soon. I’m going to have a new roommate very very soon. A friend. Learning how to get along with people again. It’s just been me and a handful of long-distance people for some time. I’m going to be up close and personal again. It’s good preparation.

I have a couple of exes to completely get out of my system. I didn’t realize that I still had some Dream Lover residue. I let go of Almost Famous and I feel good about that. I loved me some him, but he didn’t want to be with me. There was nothing else to do. I’m glad that I met him, though. He was actually trustworthy. He never did anything to hurt me. He was considerate and he was always, always there for me when I needed him, even though I was never his girlfriend. He said sorry when he thought he had did something wrong and he didn’t say sorry when he felt I was at fault. He put me in check without being mean, and he never once called me crazy or silly or stupid or anything negative. He was just cool with me exactly as I am. He’d be at a party in the middle of the night with his fancy famous people and answer my call and make sure I was all right. He never said “I love you” or “I care about you” or “I’m your friend” or anything like that. He showed it. This is what they mean by “more than words.”

I am a writer and so I know about words. Words are the verbal expressions of our thoughts, but that’s all they are. They are a starting point for some. The proof of who we truly are is in how we live. We don’t even have to say anything. People will look at us and know. People will see how we treat them and how we treat each other and know who we are.

Almost Famous was a King. Of course he’s human and has his own flaws, but he was a man of God. He was someone who you could place your heart with and know that it would be safe. He’s actually one of the  only men I have ever known in my life that I felt I could place my heart with and be safe.

And so I’m glad to know that this kind of men exists in the world.

I don’t feel bad about not changing my schedule to accommodate my friend who flaked on me didn’t say sorry and now wants me to change my schedule and is talking about me for even having a schedule. He better go somewhere with all that. He says I’m prideful because I won’t change my schedule for him…

You know what? People will tell you all kinds of things about yourself, especially when you don’t do what they want you to do. They are just words. They have no power over you unless you let them. Not saying to ignore helpful advice on how to improve oneself, but just saying. Get to know yourself, so that when someone comes at you and tells you: “You’re stupid if you think you’re going to have a boyfriend without putting out” or “you need to change up your schedule to make time for me” or “stop working so hard” or anything that you know is just not good for you, you can recognize it for what it is: BIG FAT LIES. Lies told by people with a limited perspective. Lies intended to move you from the direction you had for yourself. Even if you haven’t figured out the truth yet, learn to recognize a lie.

The Truth is more than words… More than words.

Day 249

More Than Words 

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From → The Initiation

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