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Day 245 – From Seeking to Finding

August 20, 2013

Hi there.

It’s 7:10pm. I’m home alone. Dropping someone off at the airport later this evening…

Feeling a little low. A got a job. I think I told you. A full-time, with benefits thing. It starts next month. Not the best job in the world, but I think I’ll like it.

But I’m not thinking about that right now. I’m thinking about the parking lot in my apartment and how my management has threatened to take actions against me if I park there (even though they promised me a spot and didn’t give it to me).

I’m thinking about the fact that the one person I call family in this town got a great opportunity and will be leaving soon. And I’m thinking of the fact that I’m gonna have to get close to some new people or go back and surround myself with people I used to know, or be lonely, but I’m not clear on where to start…

I’m wondering if I will ever find a place to call home and if I will ever have a family of my own and if any of my efforts will ever lead to success, and I’m feeling a little low.

But since I vowed not to complain anymore, I’m not going to complain. I’d like to write myself out of this feeling, or at least write myself into something better than where I am…

God, we have been seeking for a long time, huh? Family is on my mind so strong. I see a man somewhere. A child. Something built. Something cooked. Some sweetness somewhere. I see big smiles. I see a home where I am welcome. I see the family I came from, too…

It is time to move, huh? Guide me, please. It is time to move from seeking to finding. This new job is an opportunity for stability. Guide me, please. Nothing pulls me to go back to my biological family. Everyone is grown now, starting their own families. Nothing compels me to stay in this town or go anywhere else for that matter. I am here, Lord, not quite lost, but not clear.

You say, get clear in my mind. You say the world is mine for creating. You say my life is mine to create, and I want to believe You so badly, but I don’t. I can say it and pretend to believe it, but You know what’s up. Guide me, Please. Help me to know the True Truth. I open myself. I open now.

I know that this part of my life is important. It’s all important, but somehow this part feels like the real part, like everything else was preparation. This part sometimes does feel like anything is possible.

You say ask and I shall receive, so I’m going to ask. This deep thing in my heart. A partner. I ask for a partner now. A partner, God. Someone to build things with. Someone to live things with. A partner. I can’t go home to mom anymore. I’m a grownup now. I can’t keep putting my time into temporary relationships just to pass the day. We do what we can to pass the day, but I’d like to do things on purpose now. I am not just trying to pass the day. I am trying to build here.

It all ends. It all falls apart eventually. We die and some say that this life is just a mirage, a big matrix full of puzzles and games. Some say that the real life is what comes next or what lies beneath.

But we are here now. In this matrix. In this so-called game. Sometimes nothing makes sense, you know? But what do you do in times like that? Go to sleep? Get drunk? Make yourself so busy that you can’t think? Go hide away on a mountain or on some vacation?

The world will still be here when you get back. The questions will still be here. The uncertainty looms overhead until it is addressed. And sometimes we cry because we don’t understand. Because we don’t know how to have the things we want. Because we feel pain.

And sometimes loneliness is a part of it.

But I think that all of that is just a part of it. It’s not the whole picture…

There is clarity in the world, just as there is confusion. There is camaraderie just as there is loneliness. There is success just as there is defeat. And there is certainty and joy. There is Love. I know it. I know there is Love.

They call these fears and doubts the devil. I call them fears and doubts. This time, they don’t get to win. This time, they don’t get to knock me down on the bed or have me creating some old drama. This time they don’t get to turn me into a fearful, anxious old woman. This time I choose to win. This time (and I oh, I’ve had issues with this one)… this time I choose to be strong and even powerful. This time I choose to finally be a finder, no longer a seeking wanderer.

I choose, God, to know fruition now. I choose it now. I choose to be safe now. You have already told me that I am safe. I choose to experience it now. You are the Master Planner. You are the Master Protector and I lean on You.

I have come too far to turn back now.

In this moment, I choose faith over fear. Faith, faith, faith, faith, faith. I choose Truth over falsehood. Truth, truth, truth, truth, truth. I choose to live with spiritual Power and Protection and Guidance and Certainty. I do the work I am called to do and I do it with gratitude and ease. And so it is… And so it shall be.

Ameen

Day 245

From Seeking To Finding

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From → New Beginnings

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