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Day 250 – This Sharing Thing

October 19, 2013

Add new… Good morning world. I’m baaaack.

My blog is back live! I’ve missed it so much. I finally contacted the blog administrator and got things worked out and can I tell you how important this blog is to me?

I’m closing my eyes so I can see better… This writing thing is like magic to me. More than praying, more than talking, only dancing comes close. This writing thing helps me sort things out. And this blog in particular. It gives the days a sense of purpose. In my mind, I am constantly giving meaning to the days. I am constantly looking for ways to improve and appreciate. I am constantly analyzing and evaluating and I am constantly sharing and expressing. This blog has been my saving grace.

But it’s not the same when the blog isn’t working and I know there will be no audience. It’s not the same when I just write thoughts in a journal. Don’t get me wrong, writing my thoughts out in any form is very helpful, but writing for an audience, in this way, takes things to the next level. In this way, I become a part of it all. Even if only one person comes to the site in day, through this blog, I become connected to the world and it’s not just me sitting in a lonely room writing in my journal.  I really Love this outlet and I appreciate you so much for reading, for giving me this opportunity to share and grow with you. I have no idea who most of the people are who read this blog, but I want you to know that you make a difference in my  life. Thank you.

So… for today… I am crying right now. Tears of joy and gratitude. I am grateful. I slept well yesterday. A friend sponsored a trip to a spa where I got a massage and sat in a sauna. I ate a good lunch with coworkers and a good dinner with friend. I have a temporary roommate. He cooks and helps with rent and his presence forces me to stay clean and decorate and stuff… I have a job. I love going there. The work has zero stress involved and my coworkers are awesome. I get medical insurance and I’m a part of a (watch out now) union. The bills get paid. The blog gets renewed.

The men are gone. They come and go. I meet a new one at least twice a month, but the old ones, the recurring exes, are gone. I wrote them letters, sent them texts, talked to them, etc. Said goodbye. They were holding me. All these unspoken agreements to wait for someone, get back with someone, marry someone one of these days, be someone’s fake girlfriend or part-time whatever. I was beginning to feel a bit like a floozy. All these guys (I mean, there weren’t that many of them, but there were enough to say all these guys)… Hardly any of the men I have ever interacted with, since I was 16 years ago, have ever completed disappeared. None of them. They are gone, but not. I think one of them is married, but not. They resurface. Asking me to be their mistress. Asking me to go to dinner. Come visit. Preserve myself. Sending random loaded texts saying hello. Wanting to hang out… I had to look at all this. This pattern of always having a man but never having a man. It wasn’t them. They have their own patterns and their own issues. They are not interested in falling in love for real, being committed to someone for real, building a life with someone…

It has been years and all these fine, eligible men are still single! And they come back to me, because I am safe. They can continue pretending forever with me. Or so they thought.

So what’s this blog about? The men? Maybe. I got sick last week. Body just fell apart. After about five months of growth, I had just crossed over to the professional writer thresh-hold, spending at least ten hours a week with creative writing.

Then I sprained my wrist. Then I sprained my body. Then entire right side of my body was in excrutiating pain. My head hurt. My heart hurt. My paycheck didn’t seem so big. I had crazy scary dreams. The exes came sniffing around. I felt so weak. Too weak to do anything. I felt confused. I don’t know about you, but sometimes, for those of us “deep” people, life just falls apart. It’s like everything just doesn’t make sense anymore and we become teenagers again, asking what is the purpose of it all. Why are we going to work? Why am I spending my free time writing everyday instead of, oh, I don’t know, eating avocados? Why do anything at all when I’m just going to die anyway? Shouldn’t I be praying or something or focusing on the next world? Who said there’s a next world? How do I know? Who’s version should I believe? Why aren’t I in some place where the air is cleaner? Where’s my husband? Will he ever come? Will I never be wealthy again? How long will it take? Is my crumbling health going to render me incapacitated? How will I ever pay off my debt? Will anyone ever hear the beautiful song that I wrote? Will my life be worth anything? Will I love someone again? Will he love me back? Will I love with my whole heart again?

All of these questions bombarded me all at once. I don’t know what set it off. I think it was some new dude telling me that I was the woman he’d been praying for forever. -_-

I didn’t feel the same way about him, but he was convinced. He wasn’t trying to play games. He had fallen for me at first sight. He was convinced. And I wasn’t. The tragedy of it all was overwhelming. I had been there before. On the other side. You pray and you pray and you think God led you somewhere. You see a vision. Like, not just in your head, but in your whole self, you see a vision and it’s that person. You think that it’s fate. You think you are in love. And that person is so perfect for you. Everything you’ve ever dreamed of and then some. The two of you get along so wonderfully. You love their character. You experience such joy. You want to be your best self in their presence. You want to spend a life with them… But they are not convinced. How is it possible, God? Why is it possible?

I didn’t have an answer for this sweethearted man who was standing at my steps with his heart in his hand. So I figured the best that I could do would be to let him go. Help him move on by not letting him get too used to my smile. I would want someone to do that for me. Don’t be mean, but just don’t tease me. Don’t give me anything to build on, because people in love will build on anything… So I let him go. He didn’t want to leave, though.

And I noticed the feeling. The feeling of being held by him. It was like he was pulling. My back. Like those people that hang from ceilings with hooks in their back. It felt like that. Like I had a hook in my back. Upon further examination, I noticed several hooks. In my back and in my stomach near my womb in particular. Men. From the past. Pulling. Heavy things. From the past. Pulling at me. I could feel it in my body because I’m weird like that…

But I knew I had to let them go. For real for real. On a deep level. I prayed about it. You know, you just have to choose where you get your guidance from. People will debate till the end of time. Do you go to church? Do you read the Q’uran? Do you read some self-help book? Go to a psychic or therapist or healer of sorts? Ask your mom or people close to you? Do you rely on your own mind? Or do you pray or meditate? Do you write until you sort things out? I don’t have the answer. I believe that there is a Guide. I believe that there is an intuitive part of us that know when we have eaten good food versus bad food. And so, when my heart is heavy, when I am having an existential crisis, when my body breaks down for no apparent reason, I rely on God, the Guide that lives in me and in everything, to lead me to nourishment. I pray and a listen. And I walk where I am directed. It makes absolutely no sense at all, but it has worked for me.

I was led to release. The men. To remove the hooks. All of them. Once and for all. Finally.

This blog is long, I know. I’m not going to edit it, though. I’ve been needing to express myself for quite some time, so this is all the build-up of my repressed thoughts. I don’t tell anyone this stuff. Most of my friends just want to talk about themselves. Thank you for reading…

So, the men. I found Dream Lover lodged in my brain. What a beautiful time we had! Oh what a life we lived for that short moment in time. It seems like a dream looking back at it. Everything was so perfect. I accepted the beauty of everything that was. I didn’t try to villianize him or even figure out why he left. I didn’t blame myself. I just accepted that he left and that I may never know why. The fact of the matter is, that time, that relationship is over. Never to be repeated. Even if he reappeared, that time is over. I allowed myself to stop waiting for him to reappear. I sent him a letter.

I found Almost Famous surrounding my spirit. His voice like smooth Chardonnay (even though I don’t drink). His kind spirit. His arms, always there for me. Always. He never said he Loved me, but he showed me so much Love. I thought he was the one. The new one. But he didn’t want to be. I don’t know why. Maybe he doesn’t know. He is too kind to say that I am (too tall, too short, too quiet, too loud, to skinny, too fat, too sensitive, not sensitive enough, too controlling, not powerful enough, etc). He would never say anything to me that would bring me down, and I Love him all the more for that. But I had to accept that he didn’t want to be my man. I had to accept that and let go of the thought that one day he would come around… And I did. And I let him know. And of course, he responded better than I would have anticipated, because that’s what he does…

The others, the ones who I didn’t hold, but yet held me, I let them go as well. Strings. Hooks. Removed. Bleeding. Weakness. Screaming. Resistance… Compassion. Release. Acceptance… Release. Acceptance. Acceptance…

DNA. Changing. Body. Changing. Mind. Changing. Opening. Heavy weights lifted off of me… Confusion. Clearing. Growth. Happening. Time for new blog. New shoes. Feet need to be protected. Safe. New way of relating to world. To self…

Let’s not pretend. You know how you go through something and then you want to act like you know it all because you learned whatever lesson? Let’s not pretend that we know it all. Let’s not pretend that we are not afraid and sad sometimes. Let’s not pretend that every now and then, we don’t fall apart for reasons unknown to us. Let’s not pretend that we have the universe all figured out or that we are always happy. Let’s not pretend that we don’t have pains in our chests, regrets in our minds, resentments that we are holding. Let’s not pretend that we are not frustrated with the way things are sometimes. Our weaknesses. Our seeming lack. Our inability to manifest a million dollars out of thin air (that’s my pet peeve).

Let’s tell the truth. It is such a freeing thing to say that I don’t know why Dream Lover disappeared, but I know that I had the time of my life with him. There is no desperation around that statement. There is no fear. Strangely enough, there is hope in telling the truth.

You look back at your life and you see all the places you have been. For me, I have experienced things that I never thought I would see. Me, the little ugly quiet ghetto girl. I see the relationships I have had. Phenomenal. Better than I could have imagined. Even now. When I tell the truth, I realize that life has been better than I have dreamed and therefore it can be even better than I am dreaming now.

So this is what this blog is about. All those words to get to this point. It’s about telling the truth. Accepting the truth. I don’t know everything. I hardly know anything. I don’t want to change the world or be the queen of whatever.

The truth is that on any given day, life is full of possibility. We can forgive. We can say sorry. We can speak our minds and let someone know what we think they’ve done to us. On any given day, we can rest and rejuvenate ourselves. We can seek guidance when we don’t have the answer. And we can share. The truth is, today I just wanted to share. I just wanted to say thank you for reading and being a part of making my life better. Thank you…

Day 250

This Sharing Thing

From → The Initiation

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