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Day 251- For The Weak

October 24, 2013

“If you want to know the truth, then be the truth.” Or something like that.

In my dream, I heard those words. Completely falling apart for the past two weeks. Wrist sprained, body pains, head ache, heart ache, grief, loss of appetite…

Not keeping any of my commitments to people I love feels the worst. Not keeping commitments to myself. Loss of integrity. Debt… Even the guilt is not enough to get me off the bed and get me to do something. The bed has been my friend. Depression. Anxiety. Fear.

I still go to work. 9-5. Easy. I’m a hero at work. Helped three people get a promotion and raise. Good with the computer systems. Smarter and nicer and more friendly than most of my peers. It doesn’t really make me feel any better about anything though.

Let’s deal with truth. Not nice words that make us feel better about ourselves. Truth. The truth is, like the song, “every now and then I fall apart”. Perhaps I’m crazy, but I don’t think so. Perhaps I suffer from depression or any other psychological disorder, but the doctors don’t think so. Perhaps someone puts a voodoo spell on me every now and then, but there’s no proving that. Or maybe nothing is wrong and I am just evolving faster than I can keep up with.

When you are falling apart, the explanations don’t even matter. I am aware that I am at a stage of my life where it is time to practice what I preach. This is not easy stuff. This state of mind is not a state that you can put a bandage over. People do crazy things when they feel like this. Self-medicate so that they don’t have to think or feel. Become very very busy… I am done with running. I’ve got that part down packed.

People will say that I’m weak. But, you see, I am. It’s the truth. I am not feeling strong. In the prehistoric days, where it was survival of the fittest supposedly, a lion would probably eat me up right about now. My mother would be yelling at me to be strong and I would be lying in an open field just not having the energy to get up and run or fight. And perhaps a lion would eat me… Or maybe the Lion would have a heart attack right at my feet and through Divine Intervention, I would be able to have a moment of weakness and still live.

Maybe weakness doesn’t always equal death. Maybe weakness is a way of letting us know that, as smart as we are, as strong as we are, as much as we have, sometimes our will alone is not enough, and even if we are lying in a field exhausted and lion approaches, even if we get up and run or fight, even if we will to live, there is another element. It is not all our doing. Our lives are not 100 percent up to us…

This is what I’m learning as I lie on the bed and disappoint everyone. As I watch Scandal and realize that I’m not on that level with my writing. As the men fight and claw to stay in my life. As I look at my closet full of unfolded clothes. Can I will myself into another experience? You say, “How’s that been working for you so far?” Not so good. Once upon a time, I was able to do it. Once upon a time it mattered that people saw me as strong and successful and, if nothing else, at least guilt and loyalty was able to push me to do things.

But now, none of that matters. The only thing that moves me is a voice, I think it’s Your voice, God, telling me that I have stuff to do here. So I’m up. It’s 7:17 am and I’ll be getting dressed for work soon. The Lion didn’t eat me. You made it vanish in thin air and everyone who saw was changed forever.

We realized that some of things we had been taught were not true. We learned that strength was not a prerequisite for life. That weakness is not death. That no condition is permanent.

That You are here, with Your own plan for us. That we were given a new day and this day is not for lying on the bed because all of sudden, we just don’t feel like it anymore. No urgency. No desperation. Not because of guilt, etc. It’s deeper than that. We just don’t feel like lying there anymore. We have regained our strength in spite of ourselves and we are grateful that we didn’t have to do it all on our own. That you saved us even when we didn’t believe in You. You changed our minds even though we don’t understand what just happened. We are grateful and we thank you. Thank You. I  Thank You, God…

Day 251

For The Weak

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