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Day 311- How Do You Know You’re Not Crazy? (On Finding Your Religion)

April 21, 2014

Hi World. Good evening. It’s a quiet night. 8:35pm. I’m home alone. About to be stood up. Well, not really stood up. More like disappointed. I thought I was going to hang out with someone I wanted to hang out with. We didn’t make concrete plans, but talked about maybe doing something this evening when he was done with work.

And he hasn’t contacted me.

He could still be working but I doubt it. I think he found something else that he’d rather do more.

He’s not a very nice guy. He’s actually an asshole. I have a thing for assholes. I am drawn to them by forces beyond my comprehension with missions so absurd that I won’t even tell anybody. I don’t even usually want to be with them, but I say prayers and voices tell me, “love them”. Maybe I am trying to save them. I had the notion that I’d make a man out of this particular asshole and he would make a woman out of me.

I had the notion that he and I had unfinished business and that if we could manage to get over ourselves and get along for real and for good, then maybe we would be finally able to sustain loving relationships with people we want to be with.

I had the notion that if I was able to just love this asshole, who I love anyway for no good reason, if I was able to just not give his mean behavior any energy and just express and share what I felt I had for him, then I would be free at last and unable to be touched by all the mean things people do.

I had the notion that there was an epic healing about to take place between he and I. But he hasn’t called me. And I doubt he will.

Don’t ask me why I thought any of these things about he and I and the purpose of our relationship. I’ve only met him once and we have had an adversarial online relationship for years. I had no reason to believe that anything good could come from anything having to do with him. He is selfish. Usurious. Arrogant, egotistical and downright mean. Unforgiving. He gives very little yet expect much. I knew all of this, yet I was compelled to walk towards him.

And still I am compelled to walk towards him.

You will say I have low self esteem. Or that I like drama. Or that I’m not used to people being nice to me. Or that I need to feel like I’m saving people in order to feel valuable. None of these thoughts are true.

You will say he’s a nut and I deserve better, and perhaps this is true, but that’s not the point. The point is, I said a prayer and asked about this man in my life, and I was led to walk towards him, but he is not led to walks towards me, nor is he welcoming my presence.

So how do I know I’m not crazy? How do I know anything at all? How do I know that I’m not hearing voices?

Because You told me to walk towards this man and reach out to him for no good reason and I spent a lot of money and gave things that I don’t usually give and he’s an asshole and will probably be that way for some time. And still I’m not mad at him. I’m just disappointed. Because I thought we had work to do. I thought there was something spiritual going on here and I thought that if we could just manage to get along, just manage to let Your will be done between us, get over our ego’s and just show each other some Love like it was intended to be, then something major would be healed within us.

But he didn’t call and he probably won’t. And he is not interested in Your will. He is worried about whether our interaction is pleasurable to him.

And so if I think I’m hearing Your voice and I walk in a certain direction, but I’m the only one walking that way, how do I know I’m not crazy? How do I know it’s Your voice? How do I know that I’m not just trying to give meaning to an interaction that was meaningless? How do I know anything at all, God?

I am tired but not weary. I need some Truth to nourish my Spirit. I had an amazing birthday yesterday. I was surrounded by Love and showered with gifts. I danced a dream dance come true. I did everything that I wanted to do and got everything that I wanted to get. But I did not feel how I thought I would feel.

My ego is dying and without it, things aren’t making much sense right now. The rat race doesn’t make sense. Fancy clothes don’t make sense. Even silly men who disappear because they can’t face wholeness don’t make sense. Debt doesn’t make sense. My emotions and being sad or happy doesn’t even make sense. The only thing that makes sense right now is living the Truth of my life. And I don’t even know what that means. I don’t care about my name in lights anymore.

There are deeper things that interest me. Like the meaning of life. It’s OK if I never quite figure out which religion is the way of all ways or why we live and die. It’s OK if I never understand much and if I never know the meaning of life. If I can not find a religion that suits me, though, then I need to have anchors, benchmarks, a way to know what is true and what is not. A way to know which direction to walk. A way to know if I am crazy or not.

I am here in this body and I am here in this mind, Lord. I am here in this solar system on this planet in this country in this city in this apartment sitting on what I call a chair at a table in an apartment. Typing on a computer. I need to know how to know that I’m not crazy. I need a religion now, because my back is getting stiff from sitting still too long. And so I need to know how to know where to walk. It’s not in my feelings. It’s not in my mind. It’s not even wholly in the voices I hear and visions I have.

It’s in my heart, You say. Oh, thank You.

-Suspend your mind. Question the source of the voices. Let your feelings make you aware of yourself, but do not follow them. Get deep into your spirit, and from the vantage point of spirit, ask your heart. Your mind will follow. This is your way, Laydie. It is not everyone’s way. This is your religion. Be at peace, my dear. You are not crazy at all. You have come to Me at last and you are beginning to see what Is for what it Is. You have come to me at last. You are not crazy, my dear. You are just now becoming sane…

Day 311

How Do You Know You’re Not Crazy? (On Finding Your Religion)

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