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Day 310 – Love Again

April 16, 2014

Well, well, well…

A friend of mine wrote a song about me and Dream Lover. A while ago. I just heard it this morning. It’s an awesome song about the fulfillment of one’s dreams and the fulfillment of love. It’s an awesome song.

Dream Lover is in town. Not in town but in state. Dream Lover is the only guy who I’ve ever loved unconditionally. He’s not the best guy I’ve ever known. Not the richest. Not the most mature or most handsome. He’s not even the kindest or the smartest. He’s definitely not the most brave. He even has a big coward side to him. But he’s the first guy that I looked at objectively, saw all his imperfections and knew that some of them may not ever change, and chose to love anyway. And we had a Heavenly time together. It was a short time, but it was such a dream come true. If I wasn’t there, I probably wouldn’t even believe that for a short moment in time, I lived my dream life with my dream person. Because after all is said and done, he was my dream person. I loved talking to him. I loved the way he walked and danced. I even loved the way his lips would tremble when he got upset. I loved what he was doing with his life and what he wanted to do with his life. I loved how he didn’t care about money and I loved how he didn’t think twice about giving from his heart. Mostly, I loved the fact that he could search my heart, read through every secret journal and thought, even ask my best of best friends, and he would find that there was no else I wanted to be with except him. I actually wanted to be with him. And he wanted to be with me. For a short moment of time.

But that time ended. So abruptly. And here I am. Remembering Heaven. He is here again. But not here. And even if he was here, things are not the same. I have a friend with a similar love story. He went somewhere and fell head over heels for a girl. He used to tell me all about her. The girl loved him too, but she was skeptical. She couldn’t believe that he could just see her and be smitten for no reason. So when he suggested that she just get up and leave her old life and follow him around the world, she hesitated. It wasn’t completely her fault. He had never gotten down on one knee and proposed to her, and she had heard rumors (true) that he had been with other women while trying to woo her. Eventually my friend abandoned the girl. Just disappeared. Told me that their relationship was over. I know he misses her. I know he loves her. I know she was his dream come true. But my friend met a new girl. A girl he doesn’t love and barely likes. But this new girl is safe. He is always in control with her. Never vulnerable. He knows that no matter what he does, this new girl will never challenge him or leave him. And so he picked her, while dreaming of the love of his life every night…

Perhaps this is my fate with Dream Lover. Perhaps our time has come and gone. I could get in my car and drive eight hours to go see him, like I’ve done before. I got buy a ticket and surprise him. But maybe he won’t be there. He has my number. He knows where I am on Facebook. He knows how to get in touch with me. Perhaps our time has come and gone.

The whole thing is just a little saddening. We can have such lovely moments with each other, such deep connections, and then pretend like nothing ever happened. Walk away without even saying goodbye. Never write a poem or a song or give a gift to let the other know that they actually meant something to us. Never say sorry or make peace. Leave our lovers with open wounds to close on their own.

Sigh… All these sad love stories. They bore me now. I mean, really. What am I gonna do? I have all these magical adventures with men that I could write a book about one day. Stuff people dream about. But the endings suck. They all turn out to be tragedies. And not even real tragedies. Nobody dies or anything. Someone just gets scared and does something stupid. That’s it. The end. Scaredy cat number one (me) closes up and scaredy cat number two (whatever man) gets with some woman that makes him feel safe. Those are really lame love stories. Nobody lives happily ever after.

What to do about all these lame love stories, God? What to do about Dream Lover. Should I go chase him down? Make him face his fears? He’s probably married or something. Probably been married all along. What should I do?

-Let him go, You say.

Such a sad ending. Let him go. Let him run away and wake up from the dream of him. His memory is a reminder of how good life can be. Of how possible Love is. Use that to wake you up again. Love again, Laydie. It’s time. All that good Love gone to waste. You know how to do it now. You know not to run or dump or cuss out. You know how to give and make a man know that he is special. You know to let your guard down. You know who to look for now. He must be brave, though. Only the brave can Love.

You know that this non-love life is pretty lame for you.

Let the wounds heal. They have been healing all along. Let them run their course. And Love again…

Ameen.

Day 310

Love Again

 

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