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Day 306 – The Dreams

April 3, 2014

Good morning World.

I’m having another quit a job moment, but I won’t quit. Not today. They say my job is a dream job. People wait for years to get hired. We have great benefits, an excellent union, and all kinds of perks. Our work is not that strenuous. We can get promoted quick and move to all kinds of heights in this organization. At the end of the day, we can make a lot of money and retire early if we just stick to the rules. Our kids can go to college for free. We can get help going to college if we want to go back to school. It’s a dream job, they say.

But it’s not my dream.

I had a lot of dreams last night. I don’t remember any of them, but they were busy dreams. And I woke up wondering, ‘where do we get dreams from’? I mean, not the dreams we have at night, but the dreams we have of our life. I’ve been doing this writing thing almost as long as I’ve been able to write. The other day, my mom sent me the manuscript of a story I wrote when I was 8. Eight. And it was a good story! I’ve been doing this all my life and I’ve been wanting to be a writer all my life, but where did I get this dream from?

Because for all the dreams I have, I can’t remember a time that I haven’t had it. I even wanted to come to California as a kid. Not for Hollywood, but for the beaches and the Native Americans. I dreamed of what it would be like to know a Native American and go surfing…

Any way. Good morning World. Today I am realizing that my job is not my dream come true. It is a holding place. Like in The Alchemist when the little boy stops at the glass shop for a year before he continues on his journey. This job and this current life is someone else’s dream come true.

My dream is different. I don’t know where it comes from, God. It’s not my mom’s dream. Or my dad’s dream. It’s no one in my family’s dream. All these ideas I have about the life I want to live, I don’t know anyone else that has these ideas. But where did they come from? Because they make it really hard for me to go to work when I would rather sit at home writing and exercising and reading and studying ways to master the things I really want to do.

And how can I devise an exit strategy? That’s where I’m at right now. I need an exit strategy, God. An out point. So that I can carry on with the things that really matter to me in life. I’m not into being poor anymore, though, or living under other people. So I can’t just quit a job when I still have rent and debt. And I’m not doing that whole freelance hustle thing. That’s even more stressful than working a nine to five. But I need time now. I need time to focus on the things that really matter. I’m working at a snail’s pace here because I spend the big portion of my day at work. At this holding, stabilizing place that has no movement.

There are eight minutes left before I have to get dressed and go into the world, so I’ll take this time to close my eyes and pray.

God, I am grateful to have a holding place. I am grateful to know stability again. I am grateful because where I am now is a step forward from where I was. I am grateful to be stable in LA. It’s a big deal. And I thank you. I know there are miracles in every single moment. Every moment. And I sit in the seat of Wisdom. I sit in the seat of Truth. I sit in the seat of Peace. I sit in the seat of Guidance. I let everything go. Everything. Everything. Everything. I let everything go. Every and anything that would block, hinder or destroy my good. I let it go. I open. I do not need to understand how things work. I let go of the need to understand and control everything. I only want my dream to come true. My real Dream. The one that comes from You.

I only want my Real dream come True. There is a little strength in me now. There is a little patience in me now. There is a little wisdom and, well, my cries just aren’t so life altering any more. My will is strengthened and the broken parts are almost wholly mended. From this place, this Place of Truth and understanding, I pray. Let Thine Will Be Done With Me. Let Thine Will Be Done Through Me.

I am choosing to live my Dream come true, but I don’t know how it will happen. But I don’t want to worry about it anymore. I don’t want to stress over it and start strategizing. I want to live the real way. I am telling you, God, where I am directing my will. Guide me, please. Show me what to do next. For now I sit still. And wait.

Ameen.

Day 306

The Dreams

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